To be upset at this comment from nursery worker

[Thisistemporary]

My daughter recently turned 2 and has moved up into the bigger room at her nursery (2-4 year olds). She’s always seemed happy enough at the nursery since she started at 12 months and we were always told that she was doing well. We were also told she was settling in well in the new room.

But yesterday when I went to collect her the room leader said she doesn’t want to play with the other children and is the ‘serious’ one of the group. She repeated that twice.

I was really taken aback because that’s not how we view her at all. When we go to playgrounds she always seeks out the equipment with the most children and will try to chat or copy them. In fact we often end up feeling bad for her because a lot of the kids her own age don’t seem interested in that and will ignore her. The older ones or the ones that do interact she’ll play chase with or just run around laughing. She also loves being with her older cousins.

She can be a bit intense at times when she gets upset but generally snaps out of it quickly and her overall mood is happy. She usually charms passersby or waitresses by being very smiley and waving. Her speech and vocabulary is very good and I don’t have any concerns with that.

I’m worried now that she’s not actually developing as well as I thought or that she’s unhappy at the nursery and that’s affecting how she comes across. I also thought it was really unfair of the nursery worker to ‘other’ her like that and mark her out as different from her peers.

Am I right to be upset or am I overreacting? Should I say something to the manager?

That would have stung me too. I think I'd like to know if there are any concerns about how she's getting on ie is she seeming unhappy? I would imagine she's still settling into the new room and seriousness could be just her taking it all in but I'd like reassurance that she's happy. I don't know what you mean by othering her but I don't like how worker said this seemingly in passing? If she's not playing with others and it's a concern it should be raised properly.

Yes I would raise it from an “I’m concerned she’s not happy here as she isn’t like that at all out of nursery” place.

Our 2yo son has recently moved up to a bigger room and the new worker has commented he's shy and quiet. I don't bother about it, he was like this the first time he moved up. After a few weeks the become more confident, loud and played well with the other children once he settled in. It's still early days don't worry. She sounds like a happy little girl.

How long has she been in the new room? Maybe she needs a little while to adjust.

Two to three year olds typically play in parallel rather than genuinely together, although of course not every child develops identically and some two year olds will be beginning to play together.

Gravitating towards older children is very different to being able to play with peers - older children generally lead the play or make allowances for litter children, and either of those options is easier for a two year old to understand than their age peers are, so this may be why behaviour is different in a room full of mainly two year olds.

Additionally there may already be a group dynamic and friendships amongst the older two year olds and three year olds and your daughter is new - it's very different to the random and temporary dynamics of a park or couple of hours with cousins. Observing for a while (several weeks) before working out how to be in the new group setting isn't untypical or worrying.

"Reporting" the nursery worker in some way would be astonishingly inappropriate - she's made an observation twice but that isn't "othering". You might want to ask her not to label your child and say that she's usually more light hearted and playful and must be finding her feet in the new group at the moment. Presumably this worker isn't in charge of the room and isn't especially well trained if she doesn't know about age typical development and that it's normal for two year olds not to play together yet, but that doesn't mean she isn't a loving and well meaning care worker or that saying that your daughter was serious was malicious.

It's normal to worry of course, but it doesn't sound as though you need to at the moment. Two is very young.

I don't think the nursery worker did anything wrong. It's important for them to note her demeanour and characteristics. That was her exploring a trait she'd noticed - you either say "yes she does prefer to play alone at the moment, we're working on it" (in which case the nursery worker can carry on as she is) or you say "oh, that's not how she is at home, can we discuss whether something's bothering her?" (in which case the worker knows that she needs to try some techniques to help her).

We were always told to "communicate along the way" with parents because if we ever did need to bring up developmental concerns or concerns re them potentially being ND, then it didn't come as such a shock.

We could refer back to our notes and say "remember 6 months ago we mentioned this".

Children are often different at home. Some are better behaved, some are worse.

Either way, your nursery needs to feel like they can have open and HONEST lines of communication with you. It is for your daughters benefit.

I was once told by a nursery worker that my daughter displayed autistic traits because she didn’t like to share and kept hold of certain toys. It was total nonsense and they certainly did not have autism but as a first time mum this really upset me. I had the health visitor assess my child and she was able to tell me the nursery worker was talking shit and there was nothing wrong.

Hi OP, I used to work in early years and can appreciate a comment like that might send your mind racing. I'm not a parent myself so I know I can't fully empathise but I totally understand you wanting to do the absolute best for your daughter.

With that said, I don't think the staff member's intention was to other your child. We don't know the tone or the full conversation verbatim so it may well have been construed in a less than polite way.

Some children do seem 'serious' and there are so many reasons for that. Whilst SEN can be a factor the vast majority of the time it's down to the fact that children often act differently at school/nursery than they do at home. Sometimes they're just shy! And sometimes you do get the occasional child that just seems serious and wise beyond their years and you picture them as a barrister or a public speaker one day 😆

The most important part of working in childcare is that you have genuine care and compassion for the kids and in good faith I'd hope this staff member is that way too, even if she put her foot in her mouth with how she said it.

I wouldn't rush straight to complaining about the staff member but you're definitely within your rights to have a chat with the manager about any concerns you have regarding your child's wellbeing and development.

Two to four year olds is an absolutely huge difference at this age. That surely isn’t great for anyone.

The nursery worker is just raising something to you that she has noticed. To get upset/ angry at the worker for doing that completely unfair and it would be a huge and completely unnecessary overreaction to complain.

Would you rather you weren't told such things?

Your daughter will take time to settle after moving rooms at nursery, particually if there is a different age group in the room than she was used to. Just work with the nursery to make sure she settles in and is happy, rather than fighting against it.

She may be unhappy, but it may be something else. Is she able to communicate well enough to let you know?

My daughter was considered serious by her nursery but watching her interacting with those kids at parties, I soon realised it was because she was ahead of her nursery peers, developmentally, and she engaged and played better with older children who could speak as fluently as her. She is 7 now and doing well both socially and academically at school. So it may just be the particular group of kids she is with.

I told my children that just being "one of the group" and fitting in perfectly with others meant that they'd never be outstanding - they'd be average.

Is there any chance you're a bit of an OTT parent and the worker was a bit anxious in your presence so rambled, repeating herself unintentionally? It's just, you seem to be reading a lot into this and hugely overthinking it.

I don't think that you ahould get upset. If tour child is not playing with others and seems unhappy or serious and this is out of character, then surely you would want to know that, if they didnt say anything and she was deeply unhappy then that would not be the best thing.
The best thing is that they have raised it with you, and you can follow up on it. Have a chat with them and explain this is out of character and see if they can support her better to enjoy the setting or make friends. There is no pount being defensive in this situation, the nursery will want to work with you to find a solution and if they don't or she remains unhappy throuout the day then potentially it is not the right setting.
As someone who went through nurserys and childminders like underwear, we realised they are not all the same. Horses for courses, not all settings are right for all children.

I found it really important to know how DS was at nursery - especially when that was different to the side of him that I saw. I didn’t take offence at it because it was important to me to understand it in the context of DS’ development and work with the nursery to identify strategies that could support him. By way of an example, DS rarely talked at nursery. He was perfectly capable of talking - and staff saw him talking with us at the start and end of the day - but he was very quiet. We worked with them to try and help him develop his confidence in the setting which was invaluable for when he transitioned to school.

She’s the newest and youngest in an unfamiliar setting so I’d be asking the room leader what they can do to help her settle and integrate with the other children. It’s pointless and unnecessarily worrying to simply say that to you.

A mixed room of 2-4 is ridiculous. Massive difference in their development. Do they not have a separate pre school room for 3 plus?

Why on earth would you complain? The nursery worker sees how your child interacts with others in the nursery setting. You cant see this, so it’s her responsibility to tell you. Doesnt mean theres anything wrong, its just a factual observation. She said it twice - so what?

I completely understand you want your child to be happy and okay when you are not there , but “reporting” people is not the way to go about it.

I agree with this - 2-4 is a huge age range! She’s probably quite overwhelmed by all the much older children, and the way they play is bound to be different. Especially as it’s “day in day out” exposure - any kids can play together in short bursts but it can be totally different when they see each other every day.

I’d be asking how they can support her going forward with making friends.

Surely it’s the job of the childcare worker to point out to what she observes?

YABVU saying the member of staff 'othered her'.
All EY Practitioners have a responsibility to report what they see, not what they think parents want to hear. It can be a very daunting part of the job for many.

Secondly, many, many dc present differently at Nursery from the way they are with their parents.

I expect she is still sizing up the new room and presents (currently) as has been reported back to you. Give her time and she will a) relax into things and b) grow more confident as she gets a bit older.

In the nursery worker's defence, they probably feel under pressure to give some personal feedback for every handover and it must be hard to think of things sometimes. Were they commenting on how she is in general, or giving their daily feedback?
Being the serious one in a group of 2-4 year olds on a specific day would really depend on the group mood that day, the others might have found an activity they did hilarious and been bouncing off the walls giggling constantly and she might have just been being less ridiculous. I wouldn't read much into it.

Thanks for the responses. I didn’t intend to ‘report’ the nursery worker (who is in charge of that room) or get her in trouble but I do want to discuss my daughter’s development and how concerns are communicated. She made the comments to me in front of other parents at pick up time which didn’t feel appropriate, and while I was trying to get my daughter ready to go so I couldn’t really discuss it with her properly. I also don’t think it’s helpful to label children as the ‘serious’ or ‘shy’ one or whatever as if that’s all they are. That’s something they carry with them and I would hope people working with children understand that.

It just came as a real shock and I didn’t really know where to go with it. We’ve always been told she’s fine there and she comes and goes happily so I thought that was true. My interactions with staff have always been breezy because there’s been no issues so don’t think they consider me OTT, lol.

I don't think she was expressing a concern! Just making a comment about the nature of how your child presents in the room. You are hugely overblowing this to make out it was inappropriate for her to mention it in front of other parents. The poor worker!