To feel hurt old friend ignores me and ask would you say something?

[LorettaYoung]

I've been friends with Callum for 21 years - we've seen each other through a lot of crises, bereavements and also great times. He now lives in one of Europe's most popular tourist cities and I've visited him four times since the move.

I last saw him in October 2023. A few months after this visit, he told me he had a breakdown. Around May 2024 he said he was feeling much better and coming through it. I was there for him when he needed and gave space otherwise.

Now, what's bothering me. The last year has been a shitshow for me (not comparable to his situation I want to add). I've had three bereavements, a break up and redundancy. Around January, he asked how I was doing and I was caring for my relative at the time who died soon after. I said I was burnt out/dealing with end of life stage - he didn't reply! And then she died and the next time he messaged it was months later about something mundane and unrelated, with no acknowledgement.

A few days ago, he sends me photos of his dog who I adore saying she misses me. He then asked 'how are you doing?' and when I said things have been difficult the last few months, he completely blanked me since. I said other things like 'how's your summer going/any trips planned?' etc but FFS.

I want to make it clear - I'm not expecting a shoulder to cry on like when we were 20. I am expecting him to say something akin to 'I'm sorry, hope things get better soon' or to have expressed something about my relative. What can I say to him?

Essentially, I feel like a close friend is treating me like a light acquaintance. That sums it up.

Accept this is how he is. Some people are so obsessed with themselves they don't see anyone else. Make new friends.

You could confront him but you have to ask yourself what it would achieve?

At best you would probably get a denial and then he might try for a bit but essentially this is who he is. For whatever reason he can't offer more than this at the moment. He lives abroad and maintaining real intimacy with someone who lives in another country is next to impossible unless you're going out there regularly.

Sometimes its best to accept that friendships change and go with it: people put massive pressure on themselves and their friends to keep things stuck in aspic but things change: people move abroad/get married/move jobs/have children. This doesn't have to mean the end of the friendship but it does mean that if you put unrealistic expectations on people to maintain a friendship at exactly the same rate under different circumstances everyone will end up disappointed.

@slinkiemalinkiey I have other friends, so it's not an issue of volume - it's the fact he is my oldest friend. I agree he seems selfish.

@Thepeopleversuswork I know what you're saying. But he moved out there around 2015 and was always good at keeping in touch until recently.

I have another newer friend who lives in Ireland and she's been supportive. Does distance really mean its an unreasonable expectation to expect an 'I'm sorry'?

I don't know - I want to be able to convince myself I'm ok with downgrading the friendship to being fluffy and light with shared photos etc but I'm not really. This person knows me better than most and I can't talk about anything important in my life with him now in any way.

He likely doesn’t have the capacity to support you so doesn’t want to hear your struggles. Accept you are no longer close and treat him as the acquaintance he is

@LorettaYoung

I don't know - I want to be able to convince myself I'm ok with downgrading the friendship to being fluffy and light with shared photos etc but I'm not really. This person knows me better than most and I can't talk about anything important in my life with him now in any way.

You don't have to be OK with this if you're not. If the friendship isn't working for you you have every right just to walk away from it. Like any other relationship. There's no obligation to play by his rules if they don't make you comfortable.

I guess what I'm saying is that just because he can't meet your needs now it doesn't mean he won't ever be able to meet them. Sometimes just backing off and lowering expectations allows that reset to happen naturally, rather than trying to force an intimacy which isn't there.

To be honest even an acquaintance would probably respond with an ‘oh I’m so sorry’ or something.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

I suspect this is a person who doesn't know how to deal with other people having a tough time. To be quite frank, I would not be abel to maintain this friendhship. I completely understand what you're saying. -it's not that you wanted him to be there for yo to be sobbing down the phone to, it's that he's actively IGNORING any reference to you having a tough time. And the fact that a friend of 21 years can't acknowledge your bereavement at all is completely and totally unacceptable.

To my mind, you have two choices - you can try to challenge him and tell him how you feel and see if he responds with an appropriate apology and telling you he will do better. The issue with this is tha tit's more likely he will withdraw further and/or turn it into HIM as the victim. I can already see how that dynamic is playing out in your OP - he had a breakdown, that is truly awful. But I'm not sure how you can see your bereavements and redundancy etc as less than his breakdown? You are minimising the reality of your experience.

option 2 is that you simply fade away from this relationship. If you want to have him as the kind of friend who you send the odd meme too or who you go drinking with him in city for a bit of fun, fine (although I wouldn't), but I would not be engaging with his attempts to draw yo in generally.

Do you know what caused your friend’s breakdown?
Because I would wonder if maybe it’s related or your friend is scared of having another breakdown so doesn’t want to overwhelm themselves with your problems? Maybe they aren’t as recovered as they are saying they are.

@MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble I agree with you - after my relative died someone I hardly knew at all was really lovely about it. It's so basic.

Things change when someone relocates long term. They have to find new friends in order to adjust and build a new life, and it is inevitable that old friends from back home will, slowly but surely, start to take a backseat.

however, you mentioned 4 visits since he moved. Could it be that you visited too much or outstayed your welcome? Has he come to visit you - have you invited him?

Maybe other friends have visited him in this tourist location and it all became too much?

I understand long distance can change a friendship. But I don't think this is a good excuse to then ignore the other person when you do get in touch and ask how they are?

@Enrichetta I doubt it as he was asking/encouraging me to visit. Whether it became too much, not sure. He hasn't visited me at all and yes I have invited him. One other long-term friend fell out with him over him not reciprocating visits.

My friend's attitude was terrible, ie I live in this fun city, people should come to me. I told him, not when those people in 'boring' UK towns are your best friends!

I 100% disagree with this. her friend is in touch with HER. He wants to chat. He wants her to engage with him about his problems, about his dogs etc.

The issue is that he does not seem to have the emotional capacity or willingness to engage with HER.

And OP, I agree - even a perfect stranger could send a generic "I'm so sorry to hear your mum died" or whatever it is. This man is not really your friend.

I am your friend in this situation. I had a close friend growing up, and we supported each other, but I now have minimal contact, as he gets me down. It's self preservation on my part. He moans about everything and anything, so when something actually bad happens, I find it very difficult, as I don't want to open the floodgates.

He had a breakdown himself and he probably feels that he doesn't have the capacity to deal with and help you through your trauma too. As hard as it is for you I suspect it is very much that he sees not responding as a way of self-preservation.

@Spirallingdownwards it has dawned on me maybe his therapist that's given him techniques to drown out negativity or something - don't know!

The thing is - I'm not expecting him to help me through my trauma at all. I am expecting him to acknowledge it or say he's sorry. Or hope you're ok. Maybe he doesn't realise this but simply ignoring/not replying is so hurtful after 21 years.

@XWKD well in my case I don't moan about anything and everything in general. But I have had a very difficult year.

Except a) OP supported her friend/you when he was going through shit and b) the firend is NOT minimal contact. HE is reaching out to her.

And honestly, if you are still in touch with your friend and she tells you that the person who was living in her house and she was caring for died, I'd hope that even if you didn't want to be there for her emotionally you'd have the basic good manners to resond with an aprpopriately worded message of condolence.

He doesn't want to offer you emotional support. Either because he wants it from you and doesn't want to reciprocate, or because he doesn't have the emotional capacity for someone else's needs and only wants friendships to offer fun and diversion. You need to decide whether you're prepared to reframe your expectations based on this, or whether its not enough and you need to move on.

OP, I have never been in this situation but I'm finding this thread weirdly upsetting because of all the people minimising your friend's behaviour.

He's not being nice or kind or a good friend and it's got nothing to do with you wanting to unload to him. Some people are only friends if YOU are there to support them, It's okay to decide you don't want that for yourself.

@MattCauthon yes, this is it exactly. I could not believe that knowing she would have died, he said nothing about it when he finally replied. I almost cut the friendship there and then.

I'm not sure I can carry on and I don't like blanking people so I think when he gets in touch again about his dog or whatever I'd have to say something to explain I'm taking a step back. We've been friends a long time so just disappearing would feel not quite right to me.

Thank you 💐I'm trying to give him credit for all his past support, but in truth I don't even recognise my friend anymore.

It maybe the case that you aren't expecting that but he doesn't know they so his barriers go up.

Maybe approach him in such ways as - having a tough time what with x passing away but looking forward to happier times. So let's talk about Y. That may lead to him acknowledging the bereavement and feeling comfortable that it doesn't become a thing.

"I last saw him in October 2023. A few months after this visit, he told me he had a breakdown. Around May 2024 he said he was feeling much better and coming through it."

I would guess he's still just managing himself and isn't able to help you. It's a shame he can't reciprocate but maybe that's just how it is. Also if he's not been communicating as much over the last year then you don't know what else is going on with him.

I think you very much have to lean on other friends, and maybe in the future if you feel able to, try again to see if he needs help and is really past his problems or not.

I agree with @Thepeopleversuswork. Friendships change, and there are dips and fallow periods, It doesn't mean you won't be closer again just because he can't currently offer you the emotional support you would like.

What strikes me from your posts is that you seem to be communicating entirely by text? I don't think that's the best medium for emotional support. Don't you ever talk on the phone? And also, when you followed up your text saying that things had been difficult the last few months with one asking him about whether he had planned any trips for the summer, that for me would have been a strong signal that you didn't want to talk any further about your difficulties. If I change the subject like that, what I'm saying is 'Back off.'

YANBU.

He’s basically ignoring you, your life and your feelings. You can tell him or you can let this friendship downgrade. Sorry, I know it’s hurtful.

@5128gap you're right.

In theory, friendships for fun and diversion are good sometimes too. We have fun when we're together, but to be honest our friendship has been one of confidantes.

The thing that hurt the most was saying nothing after my relative died. The question is am I ok with potentially letting the friendship cool and see where it is in a few years. I don't know.