To feel hurt old friend ignores me and ask would you say something?

[LorettaYoung]

I've been friends with Callum for 21 years - we've seen each other through a lot of crises, bereavements and also great times. He now lives in one of Europe's most popular tourist cities and I've visited him four times since the move.

I last saw him in October 2023. A few months after this visit, he told me he had a breakdown. Around May 2024 he said he was feeling much better and coming through it. I was there for him when he needed and gave space otherwise.

Now, what's bothering me. The last year has been a shitshow for me (not comparable to his situation I want to add). I've had three bereavements, a break up and redundancy. Around January, he asked how I was doing and I was caring for my relative at the time who died soon after. I said I was burnt out/dealing with end of life stage - he didn't reply! And then she died and the next time he messaged it was months later about something mundane and unrelated, with no acknowledgement.

A few days ago, he sends me photos of his dog who I adore saying she misses me. He then asked 'how are you doing?' and when I said things have been difficult the last few months, he completely blanked me since. I said other things like 'how's your summer going/any trips planned?' etc but FFS.

I want to make it clear - I'm not expecting a shoulder to cry on like when we were 20. I am expecting him to say something akin to 'I'm sorry, hope things get better soon' or to have expressed something about my relative. What can I say to him?

Ps and maybe it has an element of: man expects emotional support from woman, and expects not to be bothered with woman’s needs?

If he's having his own emotional crises, that may well be making him unable to even acknowledge the pain other people are experiencing. And that's fine, I get that. But its also completely 100% okay for you to say that while you get that he doesn't have the emotional capacity for this, you can't deal with the pain of someone not even acknowledging the loss of a loved on.

I think mutually beneficial friendships often involve compromise at times, but it doesn't work if one person is doing all the compromising and accomodating the other person's emotional needs exclusively.

Cost benefit analysis. How much would you miss the fun and company of your friend balanced against how difficult you'll find it to ignore the hurt he's caused you. Think about what you stand to gain by cooling off and what you stand to lose.

He's being a shit.

Either keep it superficial or phase him out.

A man that selfish won't take well to a bollocking and will make himself the victim and name you "Loretta was sooo mean to me, she knows I've had a hard time and couldn't support her because [excuse about how he had a shit time years ago], all she needed to do was call me blah blah blah".

Personally I'd probably just reply "lol" or with an emoji and not communicate the issue. He will either work harder because he feels unsettled and will review your exchanges and see what the problem is or he will get the message you're not a trauma dumping site and you can stay in touch until he matures and gives back to the friendship or stick to dog pics.

Gives you some control without making any decisions just yet.

Sorry for your loss and sending a big hug. I am having a similar issue with a long-term friend. I supported her when her parent was dying and went to the funeral which she was really grateful for as she didnt have any other friends there. Now, I don't want a medal or anything but now my parent has passed, I have not had the same reciprocated support. She isn't working atm but its all lately been about her anxiety over an event where she lives. I was secretly hoping that she had contacted my sister and will surprise me at the funeral next week but I doubt it. Her parent's passing was over 2 years ago so I was wondering if its a personal reason that brings back too many hard memories, but even so. As they say, its times like this that you realise who your real friends are. So sad but the harsh reality of it.

@TheSlantedOwl there have been one or two other times in our friendship when he's been thoughtless and I've told him how I've felt and he's apologised. But do I see that happening now...

The thing is that for most of my life, Callum was the most sensitive and empathetic friend I had. It's such a huge shift from who he was.

But yes, often men are shit at this kind of thing compared to women, so maybe he's changed now and sees it is my job to be the compassionate one. 😕

I think you should talk to him about it, but that’s 50:50 I think - the friendship may break entirely. But otherwise it will be a hobbled connection with conscious resentment on your part (understandably).

However, I’d give it a bit of time first.

@EggnogNoggin you summed it up in four words!

See, I feel like the fade out is probably for the best.

But I find this kind of thing SO hard. I'm a communicator. I like to talk out/resolve things with people I'm close to, but really is there a point.

Either A) I fade out and ignore him otherwise/maybe add an emoji now and then or

2. tell him something like 'look, the last year has been really difficult for me and it hurt my feelings that you didn't respond when my relative was dying/acknowledge it afterwards. I know how hard these last few years have been for you too and while I didn't expect to lean heavily on you, all I wanted was an I'm sorry or I hope you're ok. it's not working for me having this sort of downgraded/never talk about what's going on friendship, so I'm going to take some space for now, and hope we can get back on an even keel later.' Maybe?

@TheSlantedOwl yes - I already feel resentful. I think if I were going to say something, I'd wait now until the next time he gets in touch.

Something similar happened to me and in the end my friend (also male) ghosted me. I’d been there for him, and as soon as something tricky arose for me I didn’t hear from him. I was so surprised, asked if he was ok etc. He apologised but gradually all contact dropped off. We’d been friends since childhood. I’m still curious about why, but I’ll never know.

You know him better than I do and what's worked in the past but honestly I'm now at a point in my life where I just can't be bothered to do the emotional labour for men. You figured out how to be a good friend. He knew how to be one once. Why should you have to teach him?

You may bit be at that point yet though so fully respect its up to you. Sending you a hug though because it sounds like you've had a really shitty time xx

@Rvethetgergwtbteh just jumping in to reply to you and say although I don't the exact reason for his breakdown, in the year before it he ended his relationship of 10 years and his aunt died from covid.

We had a big long talk about it after a few drinks in October 2023. He told me the whole story from start to finish, that he'd been phoning checking on her and the next time he called she didn't answer because she'd died. It was heartbreaking. At this time I said I thought maybe he should see someone? He said no I'm fine...few months later. Breakdown.

@TheSlantedOwl that's hurtful, sorry you've been through similar with a childhood friend. He's my oldest friend, so this is part of me hanging on.

I don't expect people or friendships to stay frozen in amber but this extreme, where no care or empathy is given at all, feels too hard.

I’d ask him how he is feeling these days, as you were surprised he didn’t comment on your bereavement. I’d make a decision based on his response to that. I wouldn’t be too quick to ditch a friend who has shown themselves capable of empathy and support in the past.

@TheSlantedOwl is onto something here I think. It's a cliche and there are obvious exceptions but a fairly large proportion of men see women as emotional support animals and don't consider that they have an obligation to reciprocate. Particularly with a platonic friendship as opposed to a romantic one.

I don't know your friend but it sounds like it may not have been a two-way street on the emotional support front.

I think its completely reasonable for you to call him on it btw if you feel you need to. I just wouldn't be under any illusions that his behaviour will change as a result.

@Thepeopleversuswork no, I'm not expecting him to change right now.

The difference with him is that he was a brilliant friend for a long time. He started to change while in his last relationship (the 10 year one) - she was quite cold/standoffish and over time I found him becoming more like her. Not blaming her btw, just noticed him become less like the person I knew over time.

In the end I'll probably say something. If nothing else because I'm not comfortable with fading/disappearing without explaining why. I still hope things will change again in future but could be a pipe dream!