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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and money

42 replies

wobbles25 · 11/06/2025 08:30

I'll give all details as don't want to drip feed.
Separated 6 years ago, 2 dc.
I took over the mortgage, he rents and pays £750 pcm. He earns around £46k per year though does overtime too so prob takes him to £48k. He does pay a large sum into a pension (public sector employment).

He has not paid a penny in child maintenance since we split, he does pay for school trips, music lessons and school dinners for eldest dc (youngest has packed lunch).
He does have them mostly 2 weekends out of 3 and the other weekend he has them for one night. We are quite relaxed about this though so it does vary if he has plans etc.

During the holidays he typically has them for a week at Easter and Christmas and 10-14 days during the summer holidays. All other holidays fall on me.

Anyway, he doesn't pay anything and has always said it's because he has them so much and pays for the things I mentioned above, and that he just cannot afford to pay anything and if I insist, he will have to move back in with his parents who live 100 miles away.
It's always felt like a bit of a threat.

Fast forward to where we are now, I am self employed, it's a constant struggle to balance childcare and work and if they are sick or have appointments it's always on me.
I earn probably half what he does and I am struggling, really struggling and it's taking its toll on me. Just today I've had to cancel work because my eldest has an emergency appointment?

So, am I being unreasonable to think he should contribute something?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/06/2025 08:32

Go through the CMS today.

Agix · 11/06/2025 08:34

If he has them less than 50% of the time, which seems to be the case, YANBU.

Nippytoday · 11/06/2025 08:36

What does the CMS calculator say he should pay? It sounds like he should be paying more.

MoosakaWithFries · 11/06/2025 08:37

CMS. That's the only way. They will sort the calculation - you will need to do very little.

Original poster
wobbles25 · 11/06/2025 08:40

The CMS calculator says £426 per month.

But I knew this already. He will move back to his parents if I do this though, so he has me over a barrel because I won't do that to the children (or myself), they would hardly see him

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/06/2025 08:42

So he’s not bothered about seeing the DC?? He really won’t want them EoW and during school holidays?

RandomMess · 11/06/2025 08:44

You can ask to come to a private arrangement with him £400 a month and he stops paying for the extras?

TealSapphire · 11/06/2025 08:48

Of course you are struggling, he has wriggled out of paying nearly $31,000 over the last six years that he should have.

Ohmygodthepain · 11/06/2025 08:49

Rent plus CMS is £1176 a month, less than £15k a year. He has over £2500 per month left over. How much do you have left over after paying the mortgage and everything for dc?

I'd bet my house there's no way he's moving in with his mum.

CMS today.

SamDeanCas · 11/06/2025 08:49

Go via CMS (there is a call in the gov website) .

Doing a very quick calculation based on him having the dc More than 3 nights a week - but not half the time (156 to 174 nights a year), and after pension contributions he earns £40000 a year, he should be paying you £52.56 a week.

iIf he has them 2 to 3 nights a week (104 to 155 nights a year), which sounds more in line with what you’ve said, he should pay you £65.72 a week.

I guess you need to work out if his current contributions towards kids clubs etc will be more or less than the above?

RentalWoesNotFun · 11/06/2025 08:49

Do you honestly think a grown man (presumably with a sex life) would move back in with his parents? I think he’s playing you.

And if he does move 100 miles big wow. My ex commuted 80 miles each way to his job. Daily. Personally it wouldn’t be me as I don’t want to spend all that time in a car but he didn't mind so heyho.

Is he the type you can talk to and tell him you’ve got problems at work getting paid time off so he needs to help more with his own children and their costs. Tell him what the CMS calculator says. And that if he doesn’t contribute more you’ll have to go to them because you can’t provide for his children if your wages keep getting docked.

SamDeanCas · 11/06/2025 08:51

What does that mean. He’ll move back to his parents? I presume it means he won’t have the dc? If that’s the case he’ll lose out on seeing his dc and have to pay more in cms. That’s on him, it’s not up to you to essentially pay him to see his dc

3LemonsAndLime · 11/06/2025 08:51

wobbles25 · 11/06/2025 08:40

The CMS calculator says £426 per month.

But I knew this already. He will move back to his parents if I do this though, so he has me over a barrel because I won't do that to the children (or myself), they would hardly see him

You aren’t doing this to the children. HE is. He can still pay you the CMS and stay around in the area - in fact, I would bet he probably will. This is just a threat to make you think this is your fault, so you won’t ask. See through it, and request CMS today.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/06/2025 08:53

Well if he moves back to his parents he will have them less and have to pay more. And you would be able to pay for some support. That’s assuming he carries out his threat.

I’d take the risk. Just prepare sone lines for the kids if he starts trying to weaponise the payment like “the law decides how much parents should pay. Daddy has been asked to follow the law. It is not mummy’s decision. But mummy does think it’s important to follow the law”

Finteq · 11/06/2025 08:53

He wouldn't move back in with his mum.

He is just manipulating you.

Go via the CMS.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 11/06/2025 09:02

YABU!

You separated 6 years ago but haven't put in a CMS claim yet?!
He owes you something in the region of £30k towards the costs of bringing up HIS children, who he deigns to look after for 100 or so nights (of his choosing) per year? And he earns a whopping £46k (higher than the average UK income), so is hardly short of cash...

Call his bluff. Let him move back in with his mummy and daddy.

ZenNudist · 11/06/2025 09:05

Is CMS more than the piano lessons and school clubs / uniform?

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 11/06/2025 09:12

When you say you took over the mortgage how is your home currently owned? Is he still on deeds/paperwork or does he have a claim to any of the equity?

If I were you I’d work out what he’s currently paying, compare that to CMS and go from there but just wanted to make sure he can’t make your life more difficult in any other way like extra cost of childcare or claiming anything on the property etc.

Lmnop22 · 11/06/2025 10:39

You have to make a CMS claim OP and I think you know this.

If he chooses to move 100 miles away to his parents house and stop seeing his DC then that’s absolutely not your fault, that’s totally on him (and likely an empty threat anyway!)

Why should you struggle so you can pay for 75% of the costs of raising a child so that he doesn’t have to pay a thing??

Original poster
wobbles25 · 11/06/2025 10:44

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 11/06/2025 09:12

When you say you took over the mortgage how is your home currently owned? Is he still on deeds/paperwork or does he have a claim to any of the equity?

If I were you I’d work out what he’s currently paying, compare that to CMS and go from there but just wanted to make sure he can’t make your life more difficult in any other way like extra cost of childcare or claiming anything on the property etc.

He is still on the mortgage because I couldn't get a mortgage for the amount needed to remain in the house. However, I pay 100% of the mortgage and have done since the day we separated.

OP posts:
Original poster
wobbles25 · 11/06/2025 10:49

In answer to those asking what if he moves to his parents...
It would mean that he sees the children less, probably eow, it's a 2 1/2hr drive away. This would impact them a lot, he is a good dad to them.

I have tried to have the conversation about money before but it's an instant "I can't afford it, unless I move back to my parents". I would like to keep things amicable, and I know going to the CMS would cause ww3.

The music lessons and school dinners plus anything else comes to about £100 a month.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 11/06/2025 10:50

wobbles25 · 11/06/2025 10:44

He is still on the mortgage because I couldn't get a mortgage for the amount needed to remain in the house. However, I pay 100% of the mortgage and have done since the day we separated.

Show quote history

Did you give him his % of the equity?

Midmeddlecum · 11/06/2025 10:56

For a start, quit with the he’s a good dad to them nonsense. A good dad would support his children financially. Get a CMS claim in now.

Lmnop22 · 11/06/2025 10:58

wobbles25 · 11/06/2025 10:49

In answer to those asking what if he moves to his parents...
It would mean that he sees the children less, probably eow, it's a 2 1/2hr drive away. This would impact them a lot, he is a good dad to them.

I have tried to have the conversation about money before but it's an instant "I can't afford it, unless I move back to my parents". I would like to keep things amicable, and I know going to the CMS would cause ww3.

The music lessons and school dinners plus anything else comes to about £100 a month.

He isn’t a good dad to them if he refuses to pay his fair share to them!

And every other weekend is a pretty normal arrangement which isn’t a detrimentally small amount of time to spend with your children.

But if you’re unwilling to ask for money and you’re justifying his threats to move and saying you prefer him spending 2/3 weekends with the kids to money and eow then what’s the point of the post?

DaisyChain505 · 11/06/2025 10:59

Well if he doesn’t want to pay he needs to have them 50/50 so you can work more or pay less towards the children as you won’t have to feed them etc 50% of the time.