Ex and money

[wobbles25]

I'll give all details as don't want to drip feed.
Separated 6 years ago, 2 dc.
I took over the mortgage, he rents and pays £750 pcm. He earns around £46k per year though does overtime too so prob takes him to £48k. He does pay a large sum into a pension (public sector employment).

He has not paid a penny in child maintenance since we split, he does pay for school trips, music lessons and school dinners for eldest dc (youngest has packed lunch).
He does have them mostly 2 weekends out of 3 and the other weekend he has them for one night. We are quite relaxed about this though so it does vary if he has plans etc.

During the holidays he typically has them for a week at Easter and Christmas and 10-14 days during the summer holidays. All other holidays fall on me.

Anyway, he doesn't pay anything and has always said it's because he has them so much and pays for the things I mentioned above, and that he just cannot afford to pay anything and if I insist, he will have to move back in with his parents who live 100 miles away.
It's always felt like a bit of a threat.

Fast forward to where we are now, I am self employed, it's a constant struggle to balance childcare and work and if they are sick or have appointments it's always on me.
I earn probably half what he does and I am struggling, really struggling and it's taking its toll on me. Just today I've had to cancel work because my eldest has an emergency appointment?

So, am I being unreasonable to think he should contribute something?

Before contacting the CMS, I'd put it in writing what you'd like.

By the sounds of it, it's not about the money but him saying he has them "so much of the time" when really he doesn't.

Could you suggest a 50/50 split including half of school holidays? e.g. one week alternating, then pay half each for all school trips, music lessons etc... Or he has them Wednesday to Sunday every other week then continues to pay for school trips and music lessons?

Or is it actually money rather than time? In which case, just open a CMS case. If he's in a public sector job then he can't do the self employed trick.

You need to sit down as adults and parents and discuss this, perhaps with someone neutral with you to help form an agreement that feels fair to both parties.

Were you married op? Have you divorced yet as all this would come up in the financial agreement re the house and child maintenance etc?

No he has not had his share of the equity (which is minimal anyway) but an agreement is in place for when the house is sold and it's not really relevant to this post.

As you have been separated for six years it is probably time to sort out the financials for the house re the mortgage as that is hanging over you too.

Oh cross post there

Yes we are divorced. It was only the house equity, no other ties as I opted not to pursue his pension (of which I was entitled to 50% of) and child maintenance wasn't included in any financial arrangements.

Actually the more I write the more I think I must have mug stamped across my forehead!

why isn’t he as worried about keeping things amicable as you are?? And how is it amicable when he is exploiting you?

also he can still see his kids plenty if he has a commute. is there a specific reason you need those weekends free? seems deeply unfair that he gets so much weekend time but you do all the school runs and weekday routines when youre also trying to hold down a job.

If you split up six years ago have you not remortgaged since? I know that your everyday living costs will be at the forefront of your mind but the issue with your home is one that will come up eventually and if he would really move back to his parents would he not also demand the equity in the property?

I agree with posters suggesting you sit down, set out the difficulties you are experiencing and come to solutions together.

Of course he isn't moving back to his parents 2 and a half hours away when his job is nearby too.

I do hope you have a financial order in place about what happens to the house you are paying for eventually!!!

CMS now. He is playing you.

Sorry just seen your post, disregard what I’m saying about equity then if it is sorted

I won't do that to the children (or myself), they would hardly see him

He hardly sees them now. For most of the year he sees them for 2.5 weekends a month - that's 5 days out of 30 op.

EoWeekend would change that 5 days to 4. It's hardly any different.

Sorry but yes, you are being a mug.

your problems are much more than just the CMS then frankly. YOu are paying the mortgage but he is still a 50% owner. I thin you need to get this settled, and asap.

I would actually talk to a solicitor before going to CMS. Becuas at th emoment, arguably, YOU are paying HIM child maintenance in the form of his share of the mortgage.

Just go to CMS and stop cowing to his emotional black mail.

So some questions

if he moves back to his parents how will he work? Is he really going to give up his job?

according to a calculator if he’s on 46k pa net that’s £2997. Take off the 100 he pays you and the rent that’s still 2200 per month, just what is he spending that money on? ok he maybe paying extra into a pension, but that’s not helping you now and he perhaps need to reduce that payment until the kids are older

If he wants to make it more difficult. For him to see the kids that’s his choice, but please don’t use him not seeing the kids as a reason not to claim CMS. You need that money to provide for the kids and you are the default parent here, ina month he sees them 7/8 days, that’s 22 days you have them, in the holidays he sees them about three weeks, that’s 9weeks you have them, so how is that him ‘having them a lot’

Call his bluff tell him you want £400 pm or you will go to CMS. You can tell him that the £100 he pays now can be included, but your kids require support and he needs to step up

If he wants to move back to Mummy’s because you have called his bluff let him, he’s the one destroying the relationship with his kids, not you

No he won’t. His rent is only £750/month and he earns £48k. He can afford £400/month on his children. It’s an empty threat. He barely has them 30% of the time based on what you’ve written, he can only get away with not giving you money if he has them 50% of the time.