Am I a grief grabber?

[throweay]

An old friend of mine committed suicide a few days ago.

We were close as kids at around the ages of 11-13 (I’m 25 now) and we went to a couple of events together as older teenagers, but didn’t speak outside of that.

We haven’t been proper ‘friends’ for probably close to a decade, but would always be friendly and say hello when we bumped into each other. No reason, we just drifted.

I didn’t know anything about her, her life or what she was up to before she died or in the many years prior. We still lived in the same town.

I am really upset by it, I have cried. I feel it isn’t my place to cry, I didn’t even know her!

I don’t know about funeral details, but would want to attend if possible. I’m worried her family/friends would be like, who the hell is that?

I don’t even know what I’m asking. AIBU to be so upset/knocked by this? AIBU to attend the funeral?

It’s because it’s tragic given her age. Definitely go to the funeral, her parents etc will be in no fit state on the day to think anything bless them. It will be the most difficult day and no doubt it will be a daze for them. They’ll get comfort knowing people cared

Of course it’s ok to attend. You were good friends back in the day and your shock/grief shows she was important to you at one stage in your life. I’m sorry for your loss.

What @PITCHpink said.

It is natural to grieve in a situation like this.
Close family will take comfort from the fact that a lot of people care.

When my brother died of cancer my mother took comfort in seeing his childhood friend attend his funeral. 20 years later she still remembers them and also his work colleagues, she like to hear from them at Christmas, its bittersweet for her.

Go to the funeral but as long as you make sure first it is not a family and close friends service - this is quite common when a person has taken their own life.

may your friend rest in peace and may you be a source of comfort not wailing in the back like a mob wife.

YANBU at all to grieve, and it is never in bad taste to pay your respects at the funeral of someone who has been a friend at any point. What an incredibly sad loss. I am so sorry.

When my teenage son died, he had a lot of people attend his funeral. Past swimming teacher, his old Cub Scout leader. I thought that was very kind to remember him years on. It gave me hope that if people remembered him years later, they would continue to remember him and that would keep his memory alive - and that he mattered.

Please go to the funeral, it shows you care now and treasured them even if it was for a short period.

Do go to the funeral, and if you can, write to her parents to say why you appreciated her friendship when you were younger.

I think family will always appreciate people caring about their loved one enough to want to attend a funeral. It’s pwrfectly ok to feel sad about the loss of a friend, even if they’re a friend from years ago.

I’d be mindful of language though. Your friend died by suicide. “Committed suicide” is a term that many agree should be avoided - it implies criminality and harks back to an era when suicide was considered a crime/sin.

Oh God, I'm so sorry. Of course you're not unreasonable to be upset. I think her family would be very touched if you reached out and attended the funeral, and I like @EBearhug's suggestion of writing to her parents. Sending <<hugs>> because I think you need one.

Your feelings are valid and don't seem to be attention seeking.
It's the attention seekers who make it all about them publicly who are grief thieves.

No of course you’re not grief grabbing.

At some point in your life this person meant a lot to you, you will have lots of happy memories.

Given the circumstances around her death and her age and that you personally knew them - I think you’re having a pretty natural reaction for someone with a lot of empathy ❤

If there are any public details about her funeral, then absolutely go!

If there aren’t any public details you could always Facebook message one of her close friends and politely ask if they believe the family would allow you to attend to pay your respects.

An old friend of mine died by suicide last year. She was a few years older than me and was very kind to me when I was in sixth form and a student. We drifted out of touch for a long time but had been in touch again sporadically for a few years before she died. I got details of the funeral from a mutual friend and went and spoke to her mum (who i knew quite well). I also wrote to her mum after the funeral and she wrote me a lovely letter back. I'm glad I went. I think you should too.

I'm so sorry OP. I lost seven(!) friends to suicide or overdoses last year (plus many more over the years). Some were closer to me than others but my impression was the families were just grateful to have people show up to show their respects. They wanted to know their family member was cared for (particularly in a suicide situation). Nothing worse than a funeral due to suicide and nobody bothers to show up (I have been to a funeral like this - just me, the mum and dad and an uncle - and I think his mum was almost more distraught about the fact nobody else cared enough to turn up than she was about him dying)

Of course not. It is very upsetting.
I'm sorry for the sad news.

Of course you're not out of line to attend the funeral. And your feelings are normal.
You were no longer friends, but honouring her memory by going is decent. I'd write a card saying, We lost touch many years ago, but I have wonderful memories. I'm so sorry for your loss. (Or something more eloquent).

I think your feelings are natural OP. When I was in my late teens I learned that a girl who had been one of my close friends in primary school had died of a drug overdose. We'd drifted apart as I moved house and we went to different secondaries so I hadn't seen her for years but I was still very upset. We might not have had a relationship at that time, but we did when we were children and it made me very sad that the life of someone I'd shared much of my early childhood with had ended so tragically and at such a young age.In fact it still makes me feel sad to think about even now, decades later. I didn't hear the news until after the funeral unfortunately but I think I would have gone if I had been able to.
Someone who you cared about has died and you are allowed to grieve. Of course it is not the same as losing someone that you currently have a very close relationship with but that doesn't mean it isn't real grief or that you are wrong to have such feelings. I think it would be fine to go to the funeral and to show your friend's family that she mattered to you.

A friend of mine at the same age (11-13) died in a horrible way in her early 20s. I had long ago moved on from our rather difficult friendship (she was SUCH a queen bee!) but it roused lots of memories and feelings. And it was a horrible way to die. I didn't go to the funeral but I wrote to the family, and was surprised to receive back quite a long note, saying how precious these letters were to the family, proving that their daughter had lived and loved and was remembered by so many people.

Paying your respects doesn't have to be earned. Go and honour your friend.

Of course you can go.

Lovely comments in here OP - I totally agree, it will mean so much to her family (and to you!) that you made the effort to go and say goodbye and that she was loved. So sorry for your loss

how tragic. It’s absolutely fine to feel upset at the loss of someone you were once close to. People who attend funerals can be from all walks of life and it’s quite common that they may not have seen the person for many years but still want to go and pay their respects. I really appreciated that at my dad’s funeral. No, you’re not a grief grabber whatsoever.

You're allowed to be sad. You're often sad out of empathy for the person or their family more than for yourself -- or just out of shock that someone so young can just no longer be here. You should definitely go to the funeral. It can really help you process it.

@VestanPance

I am sorry that you lost your son . I wanted you to know that 40 years after babysitting a child who passed away at 11 I still remember him and think about him. I am sure your son affected other lives in the same way and is still in other peoples thoughts x

I think if you are close to someone for any part of your life its very natural to feel grief when they are gone. It always hits hard when someone is very young. I'm sorry for the shock and sadness you are feeling.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and the losses of those posting their own stories. I hope peace finds you all.

Being upset about someone's death and attending the funeral are not 'grief grabbing' - it's totally normal. Most people want a good turnout at their loved one's funeral, it's seen as honouring them - a sign of how many people were touched by their life and care about them.

With the heading 'grief grabbing' I was expecting this to be about making loads of social media posts about how upset you are etc. That's what most people would call 'grief grabbing' - when someone not close to the deceased makes it all about them in an attention-seeking spree. That's a world away from privately crying and going to a funeral.