AIBU about paying CMS on maternity leave

[Odellio]

Are we (DH and I) being unreasonable in thinking that CMS should still be paid even if non-resident parent is on maternity leave?

SC live with us, their Mum pays DH via CMS, collect and pay method because of history of non-payment. It looks like CMS have decided payments to continue on weekly basis now she is down to SMP. She has applied for reconsideration of their decision to not pay.

DH never stopped providing financially for SC when we had another child, so we don’t see why she should have to stop paying CMS. Surely if you can’t provide for your existing children, don’t have more?

We are expecting another child and again, SC will not go without from DH financially because of this. She is having full year off on maternity leave whilst I’ve had/having to keep mine to 9 months both times for us to manage financially as a family. So maybe I’m just resentful of this fact.

Unless I'm missing something that wasn't the case? And if I am then yes, it's just as bad.

Read the op, stepmums us annoyed they couldn't cut CMS when they had their child together.

Also my entire point is based on 'whats good for the goose is good for the gander'

Would I personally disadvantage my kids by setting up a second family? No! But if my kids dad did then took exception if I did the same if be pretty amused by the lack of self awareness.

My husband and I only have kids withe ach otherive no personal skin in the game either way. I just think stepmums complaint is a stone from a glass house

100% this ^^

I think she's only annoyed because THEY couldn't or didn't cut so why should she? Surely your exact point. Either they both can't or can. The "special difference" because women have the baby is only relevant for the shortest of times after the birth and actually not relevant to the moral point of someone else's choices imposing a financial burden on a separate household.

No, both will have reduced CMS payments for life by virtue of having other dependant children in the home.

While mums personal income is reduced her CMS is also temporarily reduced

If dad was to lose his job or have to take a lower paid job or became a carer as ops child had a disability or whatever then his CMS payments would be reduced then too, even if op was a high earner herself. Because new partners I come doesn't matter in the equation.

That's what happens when you have children with someone who has children already, you take all these possible scenarios on

Either they both can't or can. The "special difference" because women have the baby

loooooolllllll. Have you just reduced/ diminished the reproductive differences between men and women to an inverted commas “special difference”.

What a world.

Sounds like you all can’t afford your baby on the way if you’re relying on her payments

If she’s not going to be providing any child support for her kids then like I said she could get doing some more school runs and tea times. School holidays are coming up so why can’t she have her kids extra time while they’re off seeing as she’s on maternity leave?

Or should she just not have to do anything for them at all “because she’s having a baby?” Like I said, the bar is very low.

Morally yes of course she should but the system is unfair and stacked against the RP.

The whole thing needs an overhaul and there should be far stricter sanctions enforced. Non payment should be viewed like the stigma of drink driving.

The bar is very low? For women? For mothers? Are you kidding me?

Of course this mother should be doing more for her kids, and almost everyone on this thread has said so.
It's by no means the norm for a mother to abandon her kids, although it does happen of course, which is why I asked OP about the broader context.
It's awful to hear that any parent would leave their kids for an affair and have more kids with their new partner without taking any responsibility for their previous :(.
However, CMS is not due to be paid by women on statutory maternity pay for solid reason, and that's not the biggest issue here imv.

I personally think she can afford to pay the same amount in child support as those who have it deducted from their benefits. We’re not talking hundreds of pounds. I wouldn’t agree if someone suggested that. It’s about £20 a month. It could go towards their school dinners or something.
If you’re against that then yes I do think in this case the bar is very low. But I guess if you agree that she should be doing more practically while she’s on maternity leave then at least that’s something.

If you’re against that then yes I do think in this case the bar is very low

Well I think that is nuts. It’s got nothing to do with any “bar”.
Anyways we can agree to disagree. And the rules are what they are.

If I were OP and her DH I’d be far more concerned about the relationship between these children and their mother than the impact of a loss of £20 extra per month for a 9 month period.

Would love to know more about the broader context here.

The rules are what they are, you’re correct. Doesn’t mean it has to be a case of just because I can I will. If I was this mum I would want to pay towards my kids, despite what the law says.

Why does the relationship between the children need to be impacted? If their mum has them then they can see their sibling.

And yes I would love to hear the broader context too.

Sorry I’ve misread your post. You said the relationship between the children and their mum. My answer is still the same though really. If she has them then the relationship won’t be affected. But she could do that and pay towards their school dinners.

Yep. I have. For the purposes of this discussion, it shouldn't make a difference. I'm not a big believer in mother's instincts being superior to fathers, if the father chooses to take the primary role. Breastfeeding isn't an absolute given..plenty don't or can't and barring unusual issues, most women recover from birth within weeks. If we want fathers to take an equal role we have to stop setting women up as somehow superior. They don't have yo be the primary parent. (And before you start, I am gender critical and believe sex is real, immutable and matters in some contexts. But not this one.). Both parents have equal responsibility to provide for their children and should not get to wriggle out of it for avoidable reasons.

It’s not considered income if it’s the only source of income

You can afford it, so just get on with it, what else can you do.

My ex husband has never paid anything and I left him 12 years ago.

I raised my ex partners son without ever receiving a penny from his mother.

It is what it is.

Just caught up on recent posts.

I’m not sure where the idea that DH was ever paying his ex CMS came from. The kids have lived with him since she left 6 years ago. He has never paid CMS because he has always been RP.

No she does not do any school runs, clubs or weekday tea times. She moved away, too far for her to get SC to school etc. So just has contact on her weekends.

A few people asking about the broader context, as you can imagine, just based on the details about this particular issue, that things have not been plain sailing. Of course - her relationship with SC is a much bigger issue, and historical and ongoing problems with her as a mum exist, and are of much bigger concern to us than CMS. I’m not posting about those though because I don’t need feedback on whether she is unreasonable in those aspects. I know as a mother myself where she is failing SC. We do everything we can to support and protect SC but we can’t make her be a better mum.

Hi OP. Well based on your update it’s even more
important that she does her bit to support her children financially if she isn’t local enough to do school runs and after school tea times easily.
She should want to provide something. I’m not saying hundreds but I think it’s really poor that she won’t give her kids anything for their upkeep for the next 9 months.

You’ve misunderstood this. This is not the case.

Well well well if I ever needed proof that gender critical was just about transphobia rather than concern for women and their biological differences and needs. 🫢

Thank you. I shall bookmark this post.

@Tandora do feel free. And let's not derail the OPs thread. By all means start your own on whatever it is you object to in my post.

It’s alright, it doesn’t telll me anything I didn’t already know;

back to OP