To be hurt that my other hasn’t called our daughters while away?

[IunderstandMissHannigan]

My partner of 11 years has been abroad with my son (17years old) for an organised trip with his football team.
My partner and I separated for a few months last year and we sought couples counselling for this. This has since stopped as he required individual counselling to work through some behaviour choices that was more pressing.
During that separation, at times, I felt that he was loving his new found freedom and (although we were trying to make amends in our relationship), he wasn’t quite giving it his all. - this was proven later after he’d moved back home when said ‘behaviour choices’ came to light. During the separation I felt he didn’t step up (I.e, would arrange to phone only one of our children as the other would be away to nursery by 9am - he didn’t seem to think to set an alarm to call her before then). He didn’t contribute financially for them during this time (he was leaving it for CMS to sort out but they’re rubbish and kept making admin mistakes so it was months of waiting.) eventually I did ask him for money to help buy school clothes and he bought a pair of shoes for one of our children.
Anyway… this is turning into a rant about then but that’s not what I’m asking advice on. It’s just a bit of context.
So. My partner and son are away for a few days. In that time my partner hasn’t once phoned or FaceTimed our girls. He hasn’t asked how they were. Not once.

I’m back to feeling he just doesn’t care. That he left all parental responsibility at check-in and just doesn’t want to think about his life or fatherhood. He just wants away from it all. It hurts. The girls have really missed him but he doesn’t seem to have had a single thought about them.

He’s due back in a couple of hours. Do I say something or just leave it? I’m hurt for myself and my girls.
I’d never go away and not even check in with the girls to see how they are. So AIBU? Is this something to just let slide?

this is turning in to a rant about then

it is clear that you hold a lot of anger about this and counselling doesn’t seem to have addressed it

How old are your daughters? How long is "a few days"? With little kids I'd expect him to check in but with older ones I wouldn't have thought a few days was a big deal.

In that time my partner hasn’t once phoned or FaceTimed our girls. He hasn’t asked how they were. Not once.

But did ring you?

The girls are 8 and 5.
My son hasn’t asked about them so it’s not like he’s passed info on to my other half.
I’ve mentioned the girls to him once - saying they were tired and sent a Snapchat of us bowling at the weekend. There’s been nothing else said about them. I guess I was kind of waiting to see if he was actually going to ask himself. Maybe that’s mean of me too though.

it’s not like my other half would have been swamped with things to do for the football activities - he wasn’t there coaching, just there as parents could go as well if they wanted. Plenty of Snapchats of drinking in the bar or sitting by the pool! Maybe part of me is jealous that he got to have a lovely break with my boy while I was still at home running the house and doing al the other ‘kid stuff’.

No. I absolutely agree. Counselling did not address everything we needed to.
it had to be cut short because if he didn’t start individual counselling to address why he made some behaviour choices during the separation, then there would be no relationship to save.
he needs to work on individual choices first then the plan is we will go back to couples counselling.
it’s not that couples counselling is stopped - it’s just that it’s paused while he works on things himself.

Have you spoken to him OP?

Typical. The boy is fun, the football is fun, actually parenting children is boring and best left to the support humans. Make sure the girls know they owe him nothing in his dotage.

The girls are 8 and 5.

In your haste to tell the OP off, you didn't read her posts.

I agree with previous poster that there seems to be an awful lot of anger and resentment that you haven’t addressed from your separation.

I don’t think that he should specifically need to ask after your DDs or check up on their wellbeing while he’s away for a few days with your son. You’ve sent him photos and updates. You can send him more if you’d like him to know. It sounds as though it’s all just business as usual, nothing in particular going on. He no doubt assumes that if anything is wrong with your DDs you’ll tell him. In an age of WhatsApp and photo messaging, “asking after” people is a bit redundant, really.

During that separation, at times, I felt that he was loving his new found freedom and (although we were trying to make amends in our relationship), he wasn’t quite giving it his all. - this was proven later after he’d moved back home when said ‘behaviour choices’ came to light. During the separation I felt he didn’t step up (I.e, would arrange to phone only one of our children as the other would be away to nursery by 9am - he didn’t seem to think to set an alarm to call her before then). He didn’t contribute financially for them during this time (he was leaving it for CMS to sort out but they’re rubbish and kept making admin mistakes so it was months of waiting.) eventually I did ask him for money to help buy school clothes and he bought l

This is how he behaved during the separation

and you thought it was wise to get back together because?

Oh and then edited to make yourself look less problematic. Interesting...

He sent me a few messages and Snapchats. He didn’t ask about the girls in these messages and he didn’t phone or FaceTime.

Tell her off? Goodness your skin must be so thin as to be translucent

I'm sure there are many issues here but the thing that stands out to me is you're both using Snapchat like a couple of teenagers

Did you tell him about the Girls? I'm assuming not, why wait to be asked? As an excuse to complain about his failure to ask?

How long was he away?

Op did you hold back talking about the girls because you were testing to see if he’d ask?

either way the marriage sounds rotten to the core. Maybe do another separation and if he doesn’t raise his game this time, progress with a divorce because you sound very unhappy and the family home must be very tense for everyone

Do you ring or FaceTime him or your son?

OP he’s due back shortly. I know it will be hard, but if you get in a grump about this, all the kids will be aware of the tension

I think if he doesn't care about girls but cares about his son's football future, you're not unreasonable to feel hurt.
I still voted YABU because he might still care for girls, but that doesn't mean he has to mention them specifically on phone or snapchat. Especially since you already told him about them.
Research suggest men care less about children of their ex partner. You're not unreasonable to still care that he cares about yours children, but I think it's ok if he didn't mentioned them. It's more important he is in your children life rather than following unwritten social norms.

This. You can bet it'll be the girls he will expect to run around after him when he needs it.

Hmmm… that’s not really the thing that I was trying to make stand out… but thanks 😂

You were unreasonable to expect someone with a history of not checking in etc to suddenly start doing that. Your expectation that he contacts them isn’t unreasonable but I suspect that it’s a sign of him thinking out of sight out of mind, like during your separation. What’s he like as a dad? By any chance do you do 99% of the work with him doing the 1% that you tell him to do?
Honestly, do your dd miss him? I wonder if he’d care if you hadn’t sent him updates from home?

Thank-you for the reply. This is what I was needing to read. Different viewpoint and give me some things to think about. Much appreciated xx

Sounds like he's not particularly interested in them, tbh.

The elephant in the room here is his behaviour during your separation. What did he get up to, OP? Because if it was something big, maybe you shouldn't even be with him any more.