To be hurt that my other hasn’t called our daughters while away?

[IunderstandMissHannigan]

My partner of 11 years has been abroad with my son (17years old) for an organised trip with his football team.
My partner and I separated for a few months last year and we sought couples counselling for this. This has since stopped as he required individual counselling to work through some behaviour choices that was more pressing.
During that separation, at times, I felt that he was loving his new found freedom and (although we were trying to make amends in our relationship), he wasn’t quite giving it his all. - this was proven later after he’d moved back home when said ‘behaviour choices’ came to light. During the separation I felt he didn’t step up (I.e, would arrange to phone only one of our children as the other would be away to nursery by 9am - he didn’t seem to think to set an alarm to call her before then). He didn’t contribute financially for them during this time (he was leaving it for CMS to sort out but they’re rubbish and kept making admin mistakes so it was months of waiting.) eventually I did ask him for money to help buy school clothes and he bought a pair of shoes for one of our children.
Anyway… this is turning into a rant about then but that’s not what I’m asking advice on. It’s just a bit of context.
So. My partner and son are away for a few days. In that time my partner hasn’t once phoned or FaceTimed our girls. He hasn’t asked how they were. Not once.

I’m back to feeling he just doesn’t care. That he left all parental responsibility at check-in and just doesn’t want to think about his life or fatherhood. He just wants away from it all. It hurts. The girls have really missed him but he doesn’t seem to have had a single thought about them.

He’s due back in a couple of hours. Do I say something or just leave it? I’m hurt for myself and my girls.
I’d never go away and not even check in with the girls to see how they are. So AIBU? Is this something to just let slide?

4 days

I do find this concerning too. Seems quite immature.

What were the mystery “behaviour choices” OP? Drugs, sleeping around, drinking? Not sure I’d be comfortable him away with my son on a footie weekend if any of the above…

My son from my first marriage.

But yeah my DH went on a stag do recently and checked in every day, did a (hungover) video call once I think. It was 3 days.

I do agree but I find it weird not to ask about the kids, if they are that young. Are yours older @Berriesplus ?

I would have told him to ring the girls if I thought they wanted to hear from him directly, rather than getting silently annoyed about it. Men and people in general can get wrapped up in what they are doing and not think about things that are obvious to others.

He's on holiday with his son ... He doesn't have to call them. Phone calls with little ones are always weird. I wouldn't expect him to call for a week away

I thought from your initial post that it was nice he has taken your son away seeing as though he is not his dad!

And also you said you sent him some photos at weekend... It's only Tuesday and you said he is due back today?! So it's only been one day (yesterday) where he hasn't been updated...? I would just leave this tbh and not mention it.

However I do feel like you post and subsequent comments are very complicated and conflicted in terms of your feelings for him so I would look at the bigger picture rather than focusing in on this and decide whether you are actually happy in this relationship...

He showed you he didn't care when you separated. Why did you get back together?

He doesn't care clearly, or assumes they're fine because you're there pigging all the gaps he is leaving in his relationship with them, emotionally, financially and in every way by your description.

It's crazy how he thinks he can jut wall away, if you did the same where would the children be? Don't these men consider that, if everyone did as they do?!

If you went away would you check up on your son . It was notable that you said you would check up on the girls rather than check up on the children (all).

Is there a father/son, mother /daughters dynamic to this

I agree with this.

He is spending one-on-one time with your son. I wouldn’t be expecting him to call during such a short trip. Maybe one WhatsApp FaceTime call to the girls jointly during four days?

But I also think you wouldn’t be focusing on this issue so much, or it wouldn’t bother you so much, if you felt he was properly invested in his relationship with you and as a dad and as an active member of the family.

You don’t need to say what specific behaviour choices he has made but they have obviously hurt and disappointed you and damaged your trust in him.

Only you can decide if you are flogging a dead horse op I’m sorry to say,

Is he worthy of a second chance that is the question? I would proceed extremely cautiously; especially as you don’t want your girls feeling that it’s acceptable to tolerate low standards from partners and fathers.

Good luck 💐

I think that's pretty shitty of him OP. Could you have gone on the football trip instead of him as he was your son, not his? Would he have agreed to look after your two daughters?

He sounds generally quite shit if he contributed nothing financially while you were separated and didn't really bother with his own children. Do you think that it was a mistake to get back together?

Stepson.

I agree with this.

He's away, for just a few days, with your ds, and has sent you pictures and messages about what they are up to.
You are with the girls and could, if you think he needs to know, send him pictures of what you are all doing (as you did with the bowling).

Presumably if there were any issues, you would tell hm during these messages ?

I wouldn't have any expectation of my dh messaging the other dc if he is away with one of them.

The other stuff you've told us - particularly not contributing financially whilst you are separated - OTOH, tells us a lot about the sort of person he is and potentially why you are separated.