Aibu: Partner shouldn't flip everything back to me

[Bleurgh99]

Aibu to think that my partner shouldn't get angry when I don't want to do as he says or recommends. That I should have autonomy to make my own decisions.

Example...me chopping garlic, partner on sofa...' chop it X way, shall I show you?'

Me: 'No thanks, this is working for me'

Partner then gets angry.
And conversations has to continue in a circular way until I am told that I have a tone in my voice. Well I likely do after being told several times that I am doing something the wrong way by a man say on the sofa.

Many Other examples. This is not just about the garlic! This was an easy one to share.

I have asked to separate, then he wants to share what I do wrong ...this doesn't help turn my desire to separate around. It adds nails to it.

Aibu?

NB it isn't about this one example, but many. I end up shouting now as I feel so done.

Bin

If my husband criticises how I do something I reply "You do it, then".
And I sit on the sofa instead.

You don't need his permission to separate, although I can imagine he won't like being "told" its happening with no say in the matter.

I have asked to separate, then he wants to share what I do wrong ...this doesn't help turn my desire to separate around. It adds nails to it.

You don't have to ask to separate. You can just leave him.

I would bin him off to be honest. The only wrong way to chop garlic is by mot chopping enough garlic.

If you want to separate (and who wouldn't!) then do so. It's not up for discussion. Probably would help if you knew what you wanted to happen - who is moving out, how are things being split etc.. I'd make a plan for what you want to happen and present it that way. I'd like to separate. I plan to move out as soon as I can get a place. I'll contact the landlord... etc...

He sounds like a know it all bore.
Does he have any redeeming qualities? Maybe time to call it quits if this is one example of many, he's going to wear you down.

What’s stopping you separating? You don’t need there permission to do that

Are you in love with this man? Or just with him for convenience and maybe have a nice home and kids. Can’t think of any reason why anyone would stay with someone like that. And with age he’ll get worse

Stop talking about separation and do.

You see the real character of a person when you say No.

Why are you "asking" to seperate?
You are in an abusive relationship with an angry man.

Stop asking, get organising to get the hell away from him.

I hope you do leave him. This is a miserable way to live.

Get rid of the controlling git. Who wants to have a relationship with someone like that?

It's a really big step, we have a house together and children.

Tell him he can chop the garlic himself and cook the rest of the meal while he's about it.

Thats why you get planning.
You reach out for support.
You tell those you trust the truth.
Abuse thrives in secrecy.

You plan and you get good advice.
Start detaching emotionally from him, thats the beginning.

Look at "grey rocking" "medium chill" methods of communication.

Read "Why does he do that?" Lundy Bancroft

No one is suggesting you leave tonight.
Just start thinking, planning, seeking support.

We are here for you.

I have already detached emotionally and physically. The final step feels so hard.

It's not getting better.

It's control. Is it coercive?

This is no way to live. So controlling and this sort of shit is abusive.

I don't think coercive.

I looked up DARVO and this rang bells.

The thing is I end up shouting and screaming now as everything is circled back to me and I feel so done. I recognise the pattern.

It definitely is a big step, but millions of couples do it. You know you don't want to be with him, so you know what you have to do!

OP, this anger and frustration is telling you that this relationship isn't working and that you need to bin it and look for someone who you can be more comfortable with. If it didn't feel controlling, it wouldn't matter. But it is and it's driving you nuts and frankly it doesn't bode well for the future. It's a sign pointing you in the direction you need to take — which is OUT.

Be fussy. Don't stretch yourself to breaking point to try and accommodate his needs and behaviours. Good luck,

He is abusive, OP. Find the strength to leave for the sake of your kids. They deserve a happy mum.

I have asked to seperate...

"this isnt working for me, i'm done"

You don't need permission to end a relationship. You don't have to give notice, or reasons. Just end it. No discussion, no invite to submit what he will change. Done.

Don't wait until he starts on your children. Because he will.
If he hasn't already.

And it will fuck them up.