To think ‘easily led’ is the opposite of ‘selfish?’

[MatthewL]

When I was a teen my mum called me selfish for liking my own company.

This turned me into a people pleaser with devastating consequences - serious, traumatic bullying etc.

When the bullies got me into serious trouble my mum said I was ‘easily led’. But I’d only become that way because I was terrified of the label ‘selfish’.

AIBU to think that ‘easily led’ is the opposite of ‘selfish?’

The former suggests you ‘go along’ with people too much and don’t show appropriate judgement. The latter suggests you don’t ’go along’ with people enough, iyswim.

Everything that’s happened to you is your mums fault, is it?

Assuming you’re no longer a teenager, I’d suggest taking responsibility for your own choices.

The opposite of selfish behaviour would be unselfish behaviour. What you have described is not behaviour I would ascribe to someone being unselfish.

Clearly it isn't. Selfishness has nothing to do with how much you enjoy socialising.

People pleasing is the opposite of confidence.

Are you the poster who's posted a few times about how your mum made you be friends with a girl you didn't like and everything in your life that's wrong is your mum's fault? Apologies if you're not the same poster, I'm trying to work out where you're coming from with this thread and that one popped into my mind as similar.

I don't think these two are opposites of each other, no. Selfish behaviour is thinking primarily of your own outcomes, unselfish behaviour is considering its impact on others and modifying your behaviour accordingly. Bring easily led is about not asserting your own values and principles or making your own decisions when faced with the actions of other people.

Thanks so much this is a good analysis I think

No, it isnt the opposite.

Thank you. This is very helpful.

No easily led is not the opposite of selfish. You can be easily led by the group or bad influences and still be selfish. It’s not selfless to be easily led.

As others have said, they're 2 distinct concepts I think. You can be either or both or none.

You are confused.

No, they're totally separate - my ex was both selfish (ie always put himself first, didn't think of others) and easily lead (what he wore/his hobbies/what he said and thought were strongly influenced by whoever he spent a lot of time with)

I don't think you were selfish at all as a teenager - being happy with your own company isn't selfish.

Thank you ❤️

Opp of selfish is generous
Opp of easily lead is stubborn

Thank you

No, being easily led can be selfish too. If you’re not comfortable going against the grain, you might be ‘easily led’ into doing something that has a negative impact on others. Therefore that’s being selfish as you’re prioritising your own desire to avoid discomfort (by disagreeing with others) over the potential negative impacts to others.

The opposite of being easily led (agreeable) is being disagreeable. Aka headstrong or maybe stubborn

I totally agree with this and have thought about this actually before you said it

Really good post

But "easily led" can be to your own detriment and no one else's. Obviously easily led and selfish can overlap but can also be distinct

I don’t think anyone was implying otherwise

No, they're totally different traits not opposite ends of a continuum. The opposite to selfish is selfless, putting others first because you would genuinely rather have their needs met than your own. For example, a parent might selflessly do something for their child that they didn't want to and cost them dearly, even their life. The opposite to easily led is strong willed. You do what you think best/right regardless of pressure from others. Being a people pleaser is something different again because that means doing acts that might appear selfless but for selfish reasons because you benefit from their aporoval/gratitude/ them not being cross with you.

Thank you. Good explanation

I think you just need to stay away from your mum and move on from all this. You were probably bullied because you liked your own company a lot and it made you stand out as an easy target. Don't let your mum or your bullies continue to impact your life any more OP, you're an adult now and you have autonomy.

Do you think you might be autistic? Just wondering if that could be the reason you're still overthinking this to such a degree, it could explain you liking your own company so much and being bullied through secondary school is unfortunately a common experience for teens with ASD.

Thanks your post is helpful but the only thing tbh you disagree on is this - I was more popular and certainly not bullied when I gave off more independent air and wasn’t socialising

I was only bullied when I was needy and clinging to other kids’ coat tails.

one of the bullies specifically pointed out my inability to say no as a reason