AIBU to worry so much about myself when my elderly invalid mother passes?

[WildHasBeen]

Having given up work, my apartment and a lot of my freedom to be a live in carer for my bedbound mom, i sometimes worry when she passes not only will i mourn her greatly but ill be unable to rebuild my life. i try not to be resentful as deep down i feel i’ve made the right choice to care for her but i worry of my future as a lonely. unemployed divorcee.

Why is your mother invalid? It sounds like you love her and she has value. Surely she counts as a valid person?

You’ll grow into your new world, as tough as it might be. There is no point speculating now about it as you don’t know what the future holds.

I think it’s invalid as in disabled. Not as in not valid.

@WildHasBeen you’ll figure it out. It probably won’t be easy but you’ll rebuild your life.

I am sorry you are going through the hard and often lonely role of being carer for your elderly mum. It is a role which you do sacrifice your life for and give up so much to do it. Do you have any support, a sibling or adult children? Are there any carer's groups? Could you get respite for your mum and go on a small holiday? You will mourn and feel the loss deeply and that not only the terrible loss of your mum, but the loss of the role that has become your life. I was a carer for my mum so understand your concerns and if you have family then try to talk to them and get emotional support. Plan a trip away after the loss, see an old friend, go on a cruise for single people, join some volunteering group to get back into working and to meet others, but don't shut yourself away. Grief counselling would also be a great help for you. The advise is to not make any big decisions in the first year after losing someone, but don't hide away from any family or friends.

Oh, thanks. I haven’t heard of disabled people being called invalid before.

☺️ No worries it’s pronounced in-vah-lid instead of in-vaal-lid (like valid) (I’m terrible at phonetic spelling so excuse my clunkiness.)

@WildHasBeen Sorry for the derail. I think that @OneBlossomBee really gave some great advice and I don’t think I could add anything else to it except my warm thoughts for both you and your mum.

OneBlossomBee gave good advice. I would only add to find a grief counsellor now, don't wait, as you are experiencing anticipatory grief and it would be good for you to have a relationship with them for when the day comes. Grief counselling groups might also offer you solace and a way to interact more with others who have some understanding of your experience.

You are already experiencing grief and loss over your loss of job, life, home. These are all valid things to grieve.

Grief counsellors help with bereavement, but also grief and loss in itself which comes in many different forms.

Really? Invalid is and always has been a very common term. How strange.

Why is is strange? Having googled it is it very outdated in British English use, and the government website has a page about terminology not to use, and invalid to describe a disabled person is on there as a word not to use for inclusivity. Maybe it is in use in different cultures or age groups but not in mine.

Rightio then. You’re absolutely right of course, everyone has the same experience as you, Google talks shite, and you know what others are thinking. Bravo.

go on a cruise for single people.

With what money?

Perhaps the person who suggested this was fortunate enough to be left even a small bequest. But it’s highly likely that, as well as not being employed outside her caring responsibilities, the OP will inherit almost nothing. If her mother had anything to leave it would already have been used up in caring for her.

So there may well be no lovely cruises to look forward to.

Whatever @Nosuchthing2025 No lectures have been given here except by you. Why is that? Self appointed thread police to derail a “deeply distressed” OP? Give yourself a gold star.

Some of us would find a cruise a nightmare. OP, will you still have accommodation when you lose your mother or will you have to look for somewhere? Depending on finances there is help with benefits, including housing benefit, while you get yourself back on your feet. Can you restart your career, change direction and go on a course? You don’t say whether you are drawing a pension but pension credit might be applicable to you depending on your circumstances. Age UK are very helpful for those seeking advice and information. Of course you will mourn your mother greatly but you will still be able to restart your life and perhaps go in a direction you have never thought of. It’s never too late.

Stop it both of you! This won’t be helping the OP at all and might even put her off returning to this thread. Nobody cares that someone mistunderstood the meaning of a word.

I think you are wrong. It was clearly a genuine misunderstanding and you made it worse.

I'm sorry OP because I don't have any solutions. I've seen this happen to my sister when the person she was caring for her passed. I feel like there is a real lack of support for carers transitioning out of care work - trying to deal with grief, physical and emotional exhausting and expected to find work etc. I wonder if there are any support groups available?

I don't even live in the UK, and can tell you that invalid is a very common word. It generally means someone who is sick rather than being used for a disabled person.

@PinkyShrewbridgeit means invalid as in the noun , an outdated description of a disabled person.
Not the adjective , meaning not valid.

I’m sorry about your situation. I think your worries are totally valid. There is very little support for carers, particularly post caring.

Are you in touch with any carers support groups? Carers IK, local carers groups. They can be a life line for an advice and meeting people. Your GP should be able to put you in touch.

Are you getting any support? Carers coming in to give you a break? Respite care? It is important to take a break to maintain/build friendships for when caring does come to an end.

Hard question and not one you have to answer here, but do you want to go on caring? I ended up giving up work to care for my Mum for a time. Not 24/7 and not live in. But it took over my life and I didn’t want to do it anymore in the end. Mum had to go into a care home, which was heartbreaking, but the relief at not being her direct carer anymore was intense. There are always choices if you don’t want to continue.

i have gone back to work, so wasn’t totally unemployable but I’ve taken a step back and don’t think I’ll progress much further. I also have a massive gap in my private pension which worries me. I don’t regret my time caring, but it is a massive sacrifice.

What will happen to you when caring does end? Does your Mum own the property you live in or is it rented? If rented make sure your name is on the lease if you can so you don’t end you bereaved and homeless.

Mum died this year from advanced dementia. It is a relief her suffering is over. It is also nice to remember the person she was before dementia took her. Grief started way before she died and I feel like I’m also dealing with the trauma of years of worry as a carer if that makes sense.

No right or wrongs here, just some thoughts from my own experiences. Massive hugs because being a carer is lonely and hard and I don’t think people understand if they haven’t been there.