AIBU to worry so much about myself when my elderly invalid mother passes?

[WildHasBeen]

Having given up work, my apartment and a lot of my freedom to be a live in carer for my bedbound mom, i sometimes worry when she passes not only will i mourn her greatly but ill be unable to rebuild my life. i try not to be resentful as deep down i feel i’ve made the right choice to care for her but i worry of my future as a lonely. unemployed divorcee.

Being an invalid is not the same as being disabled, it usually implies chronic illness where someone is unable to get around or do much for themselves, bedbound or in a wheel chair, something like chronic heart or lung disease.

It isn't a term we use anymore in the UK. It's now considered outdated and it is offensive for the reason you pointed out. Disabled people are people who have disabilities, not people who are invalid. I take it that the OP is in the States.
OP, how easy is it going to be for you to find work again? How ill is your Mom, will this be years of care? Could you go part time at all? This is a massive sacrifice that won't be easy. Don't worry about being single later in life, there'll still be plenty of single men when you are ready.

I would think about what you could do, calculate what money you might have, whether you could stay living where you are or whether you would want to move and start again. Have you thought about taking some on line courses that you could fit in around caring so you can have some recent qualifications to take back into the workplace, or at least to keep your brain ticking over. Are there any online support groups for carers that you could get involved with who would understand your position and be a shoulder to lean on? Be a bit proactive in keeping your life moving forward as much as you can. Good luck.

It is very much still used in the UK, maybe not by the medical profession (but it really isn't a medical description), but in common parlance. As said above an invalid is not usually a disabled person they are someone with a chronic medical condition (chronic heart or lung disease, etc) that limits their movements and self sufficiency. There can be overlaps but generally not the same thing. We are losing the subtleties of the language.

Google ai is, of course, a really good source for information.

Exactly. And counselling also costs money.
There's no help for people who are skint, which means all those lovely recommendations are lovely but also possibly unattainable.

No, you’re not being unreasonable to worry. I think this stage of life with elderly parents can be exceptionally challenging. One problem is we don’t know how long things will go on for and the impact this will have on our own lives. My mum passed away a few weeks ago and it marks the end of 9 years of caring for my dad then mum. She was also bedbound and as a family we moved in to care for her.

@GreenBadger mentions trauma of years of worry as a carer, so true, every decision falls to us, we see the gradual decline and deal with any medical emergencies whilst trying not to sink with our own existing responsibilities.

Earlier this year I began to really struggle with mum’s declining health and thoughts of a nursing home began to cross my mind - don’t rule this out in the future.

Due to covid I work from home and this has saved my sanity. Interaction with other adults, an income and a distraction. Is this something you could explore?

Since mum passed I’ve been completely exhausted with aches and pains I didn’t have before. I think it’s just a release of all the stress so baby steps forward to the next chapter of life.

You have done something amazing for no reward at all except knowing that you have done it.

Can you talk to your mum at all? Can she contemplate what is going to happen after she dies or is that something she can't/won't think about?

I agree with pp that it's OK to think about whether you can or want to continue caring. But of course it depends what system you are in. Maybe there are other options? Maybe it's time to think about those?

What networks do you have - a place of worship, old friends, other relatives?

I do some voluntary work, it may not make me money but I have made some great friends through it and as it’s been in charity shops I get a discount.

It’s a really common term., as I’m sure you well know.
however, if that shocks you, you might pass out to find that Paris has a metro stop called Les Invalides (where wounded/disabled soldiers were housed).

I think it’s possibly about levels of care needs to me you can be disabled and still out there living your best life. When someone is described as an invalid they are often bedbound / chair bound with a high level of care needs and won’t be getting better often due to the conditions of old age.

I do think it’s a common description for the elderly who are really quite unwell.

Yes, i should have wrote “disabled” not “invalid”! Sorry for the confusion

@WildHasBeen I really feel for you. I also admire you, and other people, who take on a full time caring role. I am honest to admit I couldn’t do it so I really respect what you are doing.

My parent is now in a care home and I am relieved that the practical side of caring for her is taken care of. However, this frees me up to do the financial/admin for her as well as spending quality time with her.

A key issue for you is how much time you can carve out for yourself. If your Mum can be left for an hour of two then there are potentially low cost options that you can explore to build a social life. As pp have said there are carers groups but there are also hobby groups, u3a groups, meet up, my district council runs free meet up groups etc. Churches often run groups/coffee breaks where you can meet others and chat over coffee and biscuits.

It is important you have some time for yourself as being a carer can be all consuming.