Awful mum

[absolutelynoideaat]

I’m absolutely at the end of my rope with my autistic daughter and I’m feeling like the worst Mum ever. She is almost 10 and she absolutely drives me insane 😢. For years I have to constantly repeat everything I say. I feel myself getting so burnt out. Every day is a constant battle for her to do absolutely anything. And she always says I shout at her… problem is I constantly get What What… so I do end up shouting.. Then I feel like sht. I’m heading for perimenopause and I’m an absolute dragon! My job is sht my life feels an absolute mess. My partner has an autoimmune disorder and I really resent it!! He manages to work fine but can’t manage at home… Problem being I know it’s absolutely so bad for him cause he’s working to provide for us… I work part time but lately I absolutely hate my job… I really want to run away… I’m feel so bitter and trapped. I’ve hated our house since we moved here.. it’s council and we were very lucky to get it… Problem is I’ve never settled here and it depresses me so much. Everything I touch seems to feck up, I just want to disappear. Feeling like a complete failure and I’m lost in what to do. I’m an absolute mess. Any advice is welcome cause the way I’m feeling is scaring the absolute sh*t out of me!!

Does it sound like she's in a position to relax and have fun? Obviously just out to be unkind.

I hear you!
daughter is now nearly 13 and it’s much much better, not great but much better, was feeling very much like you last year, still do at times, hoping some parenting asd support groups, do something just for you that takes you out the house if you can, take some time off work if it’ll help, it’s really hard but days will get better

You're entitled to try HRT. You don't need to explain you'd like to try it.

The NICE guidelines state women be treated based on symptoms. The tests are nonsense - worthless.

Your life sounds hard. It's understandable you feel exhausted and overwhelmed.

You need to think of little things you can do daily to make life better/nicer/easier and then think of bigger things medium term.

I don't have much advice to offer but don't be too hard on yourself, you're not a bad mum, you're having a really tough time.

🙄

You don’t need to explain yourself OP, just focus on the supportive responses. This poster can make her own thread if she needs support.

It sounds really hard and I can understand why you’re struggling.

I agree you need to put your foot down about HRT. You shouldn’t have to but it sounds as though you’ll have to. Can you see another GP?

Oh if only the OP had thought of that...

Your feelings are valid and well within the possible normal range of emotions experienced by SEND parents.

Make sure you’re getting DLA. Can you afford to give up work and go on Carer’s Allowance? I know it is shit money, but sometimes it helps buy some sanity and breathing space.

You need some help, and some good strategies. “Now and Next” are good strategies. “Now you need to listen to me, and next it will be your turn to talk”. Allow her processing time to take in what you have said. Has anyone given you advice re the PECS visual system?
Call your local SENDIAS for support, as well as local autism support.

Oh and find some activities that you can take her to where you can meet other parents in the same situation. There can be difficult to find, but they do exist. These can be a lifeline.

I'm in the same situation, OP. Perimenopausal with an autistic 10 year old. I agree that it's a good idea to get yourself on HRT. The rage and short temper that comes with perimenopause generally isn't useful when parenting an autistic child. They generally require a calm and measured approach. I realised I needed help when I threw the remote at the wall. HRT hasn't eliminated the mood swings completely but it has massively reduced them and made them easier to manage.

Hugs. Reading that made me wonder if your dd has a slow processing speed? Try to take a deep breath and give her time to process what you say. Say her name wait for acknowledgment then speak, pause for a couple seconds even after she says “what?”. My whole family is autistic and a couple of us will say what because we haven’t yet processed what was said.

you are also allowed to be stressed out. Sounds like you have a lot going on. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Set one small goal of your house- like get a new rug for the living room, or new bedsheets, or organising the kitchen cupboards. Something small and easily achieved so you can feel a sense of accomplishment and home feels a bit more like home.

Ffs one person with chill out and one competing in misery. Op I am so sorry you feel overwhelmed. I have a 17 year old autistic son and before puberty was hell, he was suicidal at the age of 10 and it terrified me because he is a gamer and I don't think he understood when it's game over in real life u don't get to press play again. And now I have a 6 year old non verbal autistic son who's the opposite of the spectrum and it's very frustrating and hard and guilt ridden. Then the teen daughter in the middle who I have hormonal battles with and worry she is being a typical middle child syndrome because her brothers take so much attention. I have been advised to contact the local social work for families with disabled children, I believe it opens gates to respite, support, grants etc but I'll be honest I haven't been able to self refer yet because I have so so so much on my plate and I'm so overwhelmed I just lay in bed frozen with overstimulation. You are not an awful mum. You are a mum with tougher challenges from the little responsibilities to the more important issues. And I fail to address so many every day and I know the relevant services or schools will pick up on my constant forgotten appointments etc. We are living life for the first time, we all don't know what the fuck we are doing and we are all winging it and even the most prim and proper mothers will get rebellious teens, grown up kids estranged because their parents cause them trauma, learning and physical disabilities don't choose a family either. No one can do a better job than you can. Believe in that. I'm trying to force myself to not say anything negative each day and find positive things when I'm angry. And I've finally started shutting my bloody mouth mid argument no matter how angry or in the right I feel because it just adds to the stress. You will get through the rough days. I am with you.

I want to prefix what I am about to say by making it clear my experience of SEN children is limited.
If you have training in this area could you sit quietly for a bit (after daughter is in bed or before she gets up!) and think about your situation but imagine you are not DD mum, imagine it is as if you are watching someone else parent her.
What would you advise that person parenting your daughter to do? If, for example you would advise them to send her to gymnastics for a few hours on a Saturday whilst they get coffee then do that!

Insisting that your GP prescribes hrt according to NICE guidelines would be a good start. A couple of weeks for it to kick in, then you can start looking at what else you can do to help yourself. If there is any way that you can go and get a 2 night break away from everything, do it, even if it's just in a local hotel. When you feel a bit more human, look at changing jobs.

Ask your DH to take over some small stuff. Yes, he has an auto immune condition and works full time, but he'll be doing a lot more if you break.

Definitely go back to the GP for HRT. The advice they have given you is completely wrong. I’m finding it much easier to cope with my ADHD DC now I’m not one big raging hormonal mess! Hoping things get easier for you soon x

I’m in a similar shitshow. Autistic ten year old who hard work, I have chronic pain but due to working less I have to do more of looking after ds. Dh works hard but struggles at home due to his mh issues.
Things that have helped me -
counselling
hypnotherapy - to calm anxiety
yoga- I do yoga with Adrienne on you tube
meditation - I use calm app

Things that help me/my son-
haveing a set routine
time on his switch/watching tv (gives me a break)
Repetitive activities he enjoys

Agree with others, go back to another GP and get on HRT is your first step. I have DD16 with AuDHD. Just try and reframe things a bit, she can’t help it so deep breath and repeat yourself. I find when mine has a meltdown I just go into soothe mode “it’s ok, it’s ok, your fine”
it helps her and me.

Work might be better once the HRT kicks in, if it doesn’t then start looking for something else.

Are you ending up having to do absolutely everything in the house? That would give me the rage too.

Thank you everyone. It’s so hard when you feel alone with things. Realising how many people are in the same boat has really helped. I’m going to contact my doctor today and insist on seeing another doctor. So much helpful advice on this thread. Feeling so overwhelmed just now. I adore my family… sometimes it just all gets to much. I appreciate everyone’s support on here

This.

It sounds as though you really, really need a break. You are probably doing too much and not having time for yourself. I know your husband has health issues but he manages to work so he could give you a break for a weekend surely?
Have you tried looking for a different job?
Are there any extra activities or groups your daughter could join?
I'm not surprised you're stressed with your mental load, you need time for yourself. Youre not a bad mother, you are doing a lot for others, at home and in work, you need to look after yourself too

When you’re under stress, cortisol and other stress hormones go up which means the body prioritizes the production of those over production of progesterone (a calming hormone for most). Progesterone is what drops first in peri whilst oestrogen spikes higher. Hence the rage… So hrt doesn’t always work for peri - it can but it’s often about needing more progesterone than oestrogen in the early days.. Google ways to increase progesterone and you’ll find it’s stress management (and you’ve got lots of stuff going on so that’s prob the most important for you)… cbt, therapy, exercise, getting outside, cleaner eating, no alcohol - the opposite of what we do when stressed basically. It sounds shit and it’s not a magic pill but if hrt isn’t for you yet, then these things will help - even just a little bit. Also are you getting all benefits you need? Can you get some respite care? I don’t know enough about carers etc but go online or ask ChatGPT. You can’t pour from an empty cup..,

Sending you lots of love and prayers 🙏 you're clearly overwhelmed....could you possibly take some time out and go on a vacation/staycation it will help you recharge. As for peri menopause it sucks ...either go to your GP get some meds or look online for alternative remedies that can help with the symptoms. I take Ashwaganda for my stress, it also helps me relax as I take it at night.. magnesium glycinate tab at night helps with sleep too.
If moving away isn't an option then make that house your home... little changes that are appealing to you will help. Basically work with your situation, accept it and change your perspectives, don't stress with what you can't control, change your mindset. Involve your friends and family if you can with some help or even a chat to keep you sane. Honestly just try to step back and literally try to chill and relax...go for walks, do something that helps bring your stress levels down. Xx

Totally empathise with you OP. I feel alot like you do. My son is 4 and has autism. Every day is hard, everything is a battle - getting dressed, transition, leaving the house, going to school, brushing teeth, eating, bedtime, bath time. He's very aggressive. I'm so drained. I've tried to go back to work self employed but I'm working when he's in school and then 10pm to 2am and I'm exhausted. He needs so much more than a NT kid. My husband tries to help but is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my son only wants me and goes berserk otherwise which makes things worse. I can't see it getting better but I've come to accept that sometimes life isn't fair and it is a bit shit. What has helped is having friends in a similar position and also just booking weekends away - by myself or going to see friends or a night off. You can't pour from an empty cup and you're doing an amazing job even if it doesn't feel like it. Surround yourself with the right people. I had some of DH family who were really critical of DS behaviour/our life etc and I've cut them off and I feel better for it.

My SEND child is slightly older now but a few years ago I was in exactly the same position. Trust me you’re doing better that you think.

At the time I didn’t know what was wrong and honestly thought I was going mad. I can only echo what others have said HRT it’s a game changer. I was terrified my Dr wouldn’t prescribe it (lots of horror stories from neighbours) so went via a woman’s clinic and then switched back to my GP. Changing my diet also helped as well as meditation and spiritual practices.

Once that was under control I found I had more patience to be able to cope with repeating myself, dealing with meltdowns and all the challenges parenting a SEND child brings. It’s still not easy but hey that’s the nature of our lives. If you’re not already then try to meet other parents in the same situation. One of the best days of my life was the first day of their specialist secondary school and finding a network of parents/carers who had been there, got the t shirt and were completely non judgemental.

Our lives are completely overwhelming without all the added on life stuff and it is really difficult to find time for yourself. Could you find little things that spark joy for you that can be slotted into a busy day. For me it’s growing things in pots (not gardening as that’s too much but pots I can manage!), a cup of proper loose leaf tea, crocheting or knitting squares or if I’m feeling really flush a full episode of something light and bright on the 5 app.