‘Love them like my own’ when it comes to step children?

[LotsOfSmallThings]

So I see this quite often on here - posters saying they love their step kids like their own/the same as they love their own biological children. And I always wonder, really? Actually, really, do people feel exactly the same about their SC as their own children that they carried and raised and nurtured and loved from before they were even born? I just don’t get how it’s possible!
I have both DC and DSC and we are generally a happy, functional blend but when I see the ‘love them like my own’ thing it makes me feel like an arsehole because I absolutely do love my DSC, a lot, but not remotely in the same way I love my own DC - it’s just not comparable.
So I suppose my question is AIBU to actually NOT love my DSC like my own, but in a different way that is specific to them? And if you have SC, where do you fall on this/how do you love them and how do you feel about it?

To each their own, as long as your step children feel the love from you and feel safe with you, trust you etc then that’s what matters. I’m sure you’re not saying to them “I don’t love you like I do my biological children”, so as long as they can’t feel the difference then sounds like you’re doing a great job as a blended family

I have a DSC but no biological children yet, I don’t know how it compares and I don’t know how I will feel but right now I love her so much, I would give my life for her and often watch her with wonder at how I get to be part of this little girls life.

My partner and I discussed early on about adoption, it’s always something I’ve considered and I truly feel like I could love that child as I would a child that I birthed. My partner doesn't think he would feel the same, neither of us are wrong or right.

I would be at best indifferent to step children.I find other people's kids boring and exhausting.

This is why I would never be a stepmum.

I was and am loved by my stepfather as much as he loves his own kids. He was bonkersly in love with my mum and I dare say that led to him investing so much in all of us. They've been separated for 15 years but he's an equal grandad to all the kids. He nursed us through illness, helped with uni applications etc like any dad. I don't think he's in any way typical though.

I can confidently say I do love my step child and make similar sacrifices for them as I did my own but the love is not the same at all.

Errr... What about us adoptive parents?

I didn't carry DS, nor raise or nurture him until he was three. I don't like the implication that my love for him is inferior.

I don't think that's a comparison really.

You are a parent, if you and your dp split, you'll still be a parent.

You make decisions about your dc, you have a say in thir lives, you'll have a space at their wedding with no fuss, you'll be a grandparent, no question.

It's an entirely different scenario with a step child, the relationship is based entirely in the relationship with their parent.

As a step parent your expected to love them as your own without reciprocation, or the reciprocation has rules attached.

It’s not inferior 🤷‍♀️ notice I didn’t say my love for DSC was inferior or less than, merely that it’s completely different and therefore not comparable. I think it’s a totally different thing with adopted DC vs DSC for all the reasons the poster above outlined, as well as the fact that the adoption process is long and gruelling and the DC is/are the end goal of it, whereas DSC are a side effect of a relationship rather than the aim of it - no one gets into a relationship with someone purely with the aim of becoming a step parent, whereas you go through the adoption process with the specific aim of adopting at the end of it.

That’s weird I had this conversation with my mum yesterday. I care about my step kids and want the best for them but definitely don’t love them which probably makes me a horrible cow but I can’t help it.

I would die for my DD. It’s my partners job to die for his DS. Fundamentally that is the difference. Love them both, yes.

And to add to that Adoptive parents are the sole parents whereas a step mum is sharing but more likely secondary in hierarchy to the actual mum. I think to cope with this weird dynamic you have to consciously or other wise develop a different kind of love / relationship - like self preservation because loving someone else’s child as you own that is already loved by their mum could lead to a life of eternal rejection and heartache coming last.

So you can only love people you have control over or something?

OP YANBU at all to say you don’t love your SDC like your own DC. However you feel is totally normal and natural.

However you are completely unreasonable to act like everyone should feel the same way as you. Circumstances are different, families are different, people are different , relationships are different. Some people do love their step children as their own, regardless of law, or biology. Those things don’t define a relationship at the end of the day.

Not sure why you are shrugging your shoulders at that pp, when you wrote this:

Actually, really, do people feel exactly the same about their SC as their own children that they carried and raised and nurtured and loved from before they were even born?

That doesn’t apply to many adoptive parents/ children but they are loved just the same,

So you can only love people you have control over or something?

Wtf, that's quite the reach.

In my experience it is not really the same. I love dsd in a certain way, but it has always been more guarded and conditional than that for my own dc.

For instance, I know that if I and dh had ever split I probably would never have seen her again. I wouldn't have been in absolute pieces unable to carry on with my life, or going bankrupt for the courts to request access, like I would for my own dc, because I'm not batshit.

That also was never my role, she has a lovely mother already. She didnt need me to fill a gap because there was none.

The only person I've seen appear to feel and act the same way is someone whose stepchildren saw her as their mother (theirs had died when they were young) and she had no dc of her own.

I've noticed that the people I know who really adore their step kids don't have biological kids of their own. I think it helps not to have that direct comparison.

Same.

I am a loving ‘Aunty’ in my step mum role

Fond of, care for them, love them. But they aren’t my children and it’d be insulting to their mum to say I love them the same as my own

I cared about and for mine when she lived at home with us, but didn't love her the way I love my own children. Now she is an adult, and has had an opportunity to make adult decisions and express herself as she chooses, I don't even like her. I'd also add that I recognise she is the product of both of her parents, and that my DH has had a lot of work to do on his parenting since I met him because his approach was extremely punitive

I think it's fine to love your DC and SC differently. I expect my DH to love all his children.
My SC know they are loved and welcome but equally don't love me like a mother. And that's fine too.

I think it depends on many things. The age they were when they became your sc. whether their bio mum is still in the picture. How much they live with you. Probably some other things .

I have 2 children of my own and 2 step children. My feelings are the same as you.. I love them but it’s a totally different love to how I love my own children.

No, was never the same.

I would say my love for DSC is very similar to the love I have for DN’s. In both cases I am another adult that loves them and has had a part to play in their upbringing but I’m not their parent.

This is lovely and I would say that is pretty much my DCs experience with DH - I had small DC when I met him and he raised them along with the DC we had together. He loves them all equally and has never differentiated. I suspect if he were scrupulously honest about it that the one he finds 'hardest' to love is his own who has been hard work at times and who clashes with him far more than anyone else.

The way you feel is completely normal and healthy.

As a step child I didn’t need and wouldn’t have wanted my step mum to love me like her own, she never had her own and that was still the case.

She’s never told me she loved me, I doubt she does. She loves her nieces and nephews and that’s what I’d expect. I had, lucky to still have, a mum and dad who love me to bits.