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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ever heard of someone being given a bonus for their partner's '𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐛𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧'?

62 replies

BlackbeakQueen · 09/06/2025 15:16

I've just seen this on Linked In - and I am not sure how I feel about this. Is it cringy? is it discriminatory against single people? Is it patronising? or is it a nice thing to do?

Ever heard of someone being given a bonus for their partner's '𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐛𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧'?

I hadn't.

But a few weeks ago I had a conversation with an HR Director who talked to me about exactly that and I’ve not stopped thinking about since!!

At the end of his time with one organisation, he was given a bonus in recognition of his work (fairly standard).

But what stood out was this: his wife was given one too.

A thank you for her 'silent contribution'.

When he asked what that meant, his boss said:

"𝘉𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘺𝘦𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘨𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘰."

It really struck a chord 🥹

Behind every thriving employee, there’s often someone else cheering them on quietly - holding the fort at home, picking up the pieces after long days, listening when it’s hard, and sacrificing in ways that rarely get seen (let alone acknowledged).

Work and life don’t exist in separate boxes. They never have.

And while it’s not always feasible to recognise that support financially, even a small moment of appreciation can go a long way.

It was a lovely reminder that sometimes the people who make great work possible are the ones who never step foot in the office.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 09/06/2025 20:21

JHound · 09/06/2025 19:30

Lodgers don’t typically pay for cooking and cleaning.

but they pay to be there?

Kittycat1969 · 10/06/2025 10:21

My partners company send me flowers and a special card at Christmas thanking me for supporting him. I think it’s a lovely idea, they have no women work there but they do send male partners the same too

Swiftie1878 · 10/06/2025 10:26

Sounds very 1950s, Stepford Wives -ish!!
I don’t like it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2025 13:56

Ponderingwindow · 09/06/2025 15:23

That seems crazy to me. DH has gotten large bonuses before for his exceptional work. He acknowledges he could not have done that work without me covering some of his domestic responsibilities. We automatically share his bonuses without any discussion as it is obvious they belong to both of us.

This.
I would love to have a wife!

JHound · 10/06/2025 15:03

godmum56 · 09/06/2025 20:21

but they pay to be there?

For the room. Not cooking and cleaning.

KarmenPQZ · 10/06/2025 15:13

My initial thought was the tax implications. More efficient for the family to receive some income for a SAHM. It as others have said how do they have her bank details / NI number. And if it’s just given as a ‘gift’ what does it fall into on their balance sheet?

my partners company gave us (me) a nice hamper and flowers etc when we had our first baby. It was way more than my company did (nothing) so I thought it was generous. But giving money seems a step too far somehow.

godmum56 · 10/06/2025 15:18

JHound · 10/06/2025 15:03

For the room. Not cooking and cleaning.

so in that case, either the lodger does his own or the homeowner charges for it surely? And if their work means they can't do their own then the homeowner addresses it with the lodger?

JHound · 11/06/2025 12:55

godmum56 · 10/06/2025 15:18

so in that case, either the lodger does his own or the homeowner charges for it surely? And if their work means they can't do their own then the homeowner addresses it with the lodger?

Eh?

The comment was on bonuses for people doing household duties.

Somebody commented that they split duties with their partner lodger and should they get a bonus too.

Somebody said the lodger is paying for cooking and cleaning to be done for them and I said that is incorrect.

godmum56 · 11/06/2025 13:01

JHound · 11/06/2025 12:55

Eh?

The comment was on bonuses for people doing household duties.

Somebody commented that they split duties with their partner lodger and should they get a bonus too.

Somebody said the lodger is paying for cooking and cleaning to be done for them and I said that is incorrect.

oh. I read it as the OP and her partner have a lodger .....and I checked and was right.... LittleBitofBread · 09/06/2025 15:57

As with a lot of these things, it's more complicated than perhaps the people who came up with it thought, and potentially a can of worms.
My DP and I used to have a lodger who worked long hours in a demanding job.
Between us we did the vast majority of the cooking, clearing up, food shopping and general mental load. Did we deserve a bonus? If not, why not?

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/06/2025 13:23

Grim. Reinforcing the idea that behind every successful man is a facilitating wife.

As someone who's raised a child largely solo while working unbelievably hard with no support it makes me feel vaguely sick that men (and let's be honest it is always men) are being rewarded for having someone to do all their domestic work.

I'm actually quite shocked that this sort of shit goes on.

CMOTDibbler · 11/06/2025 13:26

Not a bonus, but dh books/pays for/ hosts his EA and her partner at a sporting event partner loves as recognition of him dealing with her being away a lot and working long hours. The personal gift from dh to EA at Christmas is also chosen to very much be something they both will like

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/06/2025 13:29

CMOTDibbler · 11/06/2025 13:26

Not a bonus, but dh books/pays for/ hosts his EA and her partner at a sporting event partner loves as recognition of him dealing with her being away a lot and working long hours. The personal gift from dh to EA at Christmas is also chosen to very much be something they both will like

I think that's fine though because its a reward that's personal and based on that personal relationship.

Generically rewarding senior people across the board for having facilitating spouses is basically admitting that you need a facilitating spouse to do your job. Plus its massively discriminating against and alienating for single people.

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