DH spending when we’re trying to save

[NotAnotherChickenNugget]

My DH and I have got building work starting soon that we’ve been planning for ages, and we decided to save up for it rather than extend our mortgage. Our builder asked if they could start a couple of months earlier as they had a gap and we discussed it and decided we could just about do that if I threw in every last penny of my savings (we manage our own savings and “fun money” with a joint account for everything else). I’ve saved up about £15k more than him, despite him earning 50% more than me.

At the weekend my DH let slip in front of me when talking to a friend that he’d spent almost a thousand quid on a weekend with his BF and I can’t help feeling resentful. I’ve been so careful with my spending and we can’t afford to buy furniture or do the finishing touches once the building work is done, or have a long weekend away with the kids in the summer, but he went ahead and spent this money without any discussion.

I often feel like I’m the financially responsible one as well as carrying the mental load. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling angry and resentful about this? He doesn’t seem to think he should have discussed it with me.

It depends on whether it came from his “fun money”. Presumably the whole point of keeping it separate is that you each decide how to spend your own.

Sorry but what on earth did he spend the £1000 on?
Does he spend that much on weekends with you?
Does he think he is still single? It doesn't sound as though he has taken on board he is a married man in a partnership with you, his wife
I can see real problems ahead if he doesn't recognise financial decisions should be joint ones with both partners singing from.the same song sheet..

You’re a family, so why have you got separate money?

Put it all in one pot and then you should have an equal amount of ‘fun’ money.

I guess my issue is that any fun money I’m not spending (and I’ve not been spending much) is going into savings to get this work done and he seems happy to leave that responsibility to me.

Think concert & accomodation type thing. No he doesn’t think he’s single and we do like nice weekends away - when we can afford it! I obviously knew he was going but didn’t realise it had cost so much!

Was this already planned before you started saving? Is it the oasis gigs?

I think it depends what your agreement was on savings & fun money.

If you had agreed to save £X a month and whatever was left was your fun money to do what you like with, then YABU. As long as you both saved the agreed amount it was up to you if you chose to save your fun money rather than spend it. But if the agreement was basically save every possible £1 and for the duration of that saving there shouldn’t be any “fun money” then YANBU.

I’d take £1000 of yours straight back into your savings, you didn’t skimp to save it so he can blow the same amount on concerts. Tell him that’s on him to cover now.

I didn’t say we have separate money, I said we manage our savings separately - we each have an ISA.

I don't believe separate savings works in these circumstances.

You either need to to go at his pace and save less, potentially missing out on opportunities like building work etc.

Or

You put in more and resent him.

Also, it's about more than the actual process of saving. You may feel like he doesn't share the same goals and priorities as you. That's a difficult place to be in with a long term partner.

I would match his savings 50/50 and tell him that anymore from you needs to be matched by him and if that means he gets a loan that matches your remaining bit to cover it.

he wants separate do any financing of this is 50/50 so you are taking back 7500 and he can get a loan.

or you will loan him the 7500 to avoid anything and he can pay you back at 500 a month

or from now on everything is pooled

I understand why you're upset. I would be too. In this situation, I definitely wouldn't be putting more in than him for the work. I'd expect him to take a loan for the difference so you're putting in equal money. That's at minimum. There's an argument that you should be paying it in proportion to your incomes (so he pays 50% more). I know 'all money is family money' technically in a marriage, but that isn't the arrangement you have.

You need to rethink your financial arrangements. If he makes 50 % more than you he should be contributing 50% more than you to the shared family pot. From that pot you can both have set aside savings (for work) and savings (for retirement). Then you both have your fun money spends.

Ah, cross-post with Tiswa

If you had no idea of the cost of his accommodation/ tickets etc. involved in this weekend away then obviously you weren't interested enough before hand to discuss what it was going to cost.
In which case complaining about how much he spent after the event is actually unreasonable.

I think you have a point, I think I’m so desperate for the work to be done and he seemed just as keen that I wrongly assumed we were both going to save our arses off to get the money together and though he wants it done he doesn’t want to give anything up to do it.

Our regular day to day money (mortgage, bills, food, days out with the kids, minor house purchases etc) works like this with I’m putting in a bit more, but we’ve always had our separate ISAs as well.

Given that it’s “fun money” I don’t think you have a point. He’s using it in the way it says on the tin, you’re choosing not to.

You need joint savings as well as a joint current account. You can absolutely still have personal savings but you should both be contributing proportionate to your incomes to household expenses which includes major works

We are not married and have separate savings and go 50/50 on stuff like house repairs/extensions. I am not sure exactly what is happening here - you are going to pay for more of extension or just that upfront you will pay more and he will pay you back? Was the weekend agreed before? I think it is a bit rubbish that you can't have a family holiday but that should be accounted for I think in the joint account. And I think you should have started a joint pot savings that you contributed equally to (or proportionally by income) for the extension (maybe you did and it is the extra coming from personal savings?). I guess not sure who is unreasonable but that it might be a good time to review how you do finances?

He needs to pay half of the cost of the work - arguably more given his 50% higher income. Seeing as he hasn't come up with this upfront, he will need to pay you back.

Why are you paying for the work 50/50 if he earns so much more than you???

But that's your choice. As long as you're both putting money into pot for the work being done, you can't moan about how he spends his allocated fun money. That's the point of having personal money.

so the issue is youve squirrelled away 15k of your fun money so that both of you don't have to extend your mortgage, and he is booking extravagant trips with his fun money?

Id be either revisiting the decision to not extend the mortgage (joint i presume), or id be putting the 15k of my money in as a loan which he pays you back 7.5k with interest (by signed contract).

Ive been there with my ex husband only in my case 99% of the money came from me. If that was me over again I'd cancel the building work and tell him why.
No way I'm doing anything like that again when both parties are not 100% on board.