Page 2 | DH spending when we’re trying to save

Tiswa · 09/06/2025 12:51

@NotAnotherChickenNugget why are you putting in more if he earns more?

so he can spend money on himself and you can’t?

let me guess housework childcare all falls to you?

Notaripoff · 09/06/2025 12:55

Octonaut4Life · 09/06/2025 12:38

You need joint savings as well as a joint current account. You can absolutely still have personal savings but you should both be contributing proportionate to your incomes to household expenses which includes major works

Basically this. The way your finances are set up now means that your DH (not entirely incorrectly) sees his money as his to spend as he wishes. If there was a joint pot I think you would both feel differently and this issue would have been less likely to come up.

I do agree he should be contributing more if he earns more.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/06/2025 12:55

If he earns so much more than you then what's he doing with his money Op? You shouldn't be funding more than half the building costs so that he can spend his money on what he likes. Tell him you've got your half of the costs and ask for his, when he says he hasn't got it you can have an interesting chat about what he spends all his extra money on

Ohnobackagain · 09/06/2025 12:56

@NotAnotherChickenNugget if the plan is you both pay for the works then treat the extra money you have had to put in up front as a loan from you to joint finances. You could ask him to even up things by giving you half the £15k you saved. That way you have both added £7.5k to the works fund rather than you being out of pocket. He can do it in instalments to you or any joint savings. Or you can agree some other way, or he pays the next big thing.

Bonmot57 · 09/06/2025 12:56

ThisPithyJoker · 09/06/2025 12:21

I understand why you're upset. I would be too. In this situation, I definitely wouldn't be putting more in than him for the work. I'd expect him to take a loan for the difference so you're putting in equal money. That's at minimum. There's an argument that you should be paying it in proportion to your incomes (so he pays 50% more). I know 'all money is family money' technically in a marriage, but that isn't the arrangement you have.

There’s no such thing as ‘family money’. Being married doesn’t mean a loss of one’s financial autonomy. The only point at which money can be forcibly shared is by a Court order in divorce proceedings.

It’s a matter of thrashing out a mutually agreeable approach to saving and spending.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/06/2025 12:57

I'd be spending some of that money so the balance is more equal. He agreed to save his fun money too but clearly thinks you are going to fund it all.

Notaripoff · 09/06/2025 13:00

Daleksatemyshed · 09/06/2025 12:55

If he earns so much more than you then what's he doing with his money Op? You shouldn't be funding more than half the building costs so that he can spend his money on what he likes. Tell him you've got your half of the costs and ask for his, when he says he hasn't got it you can have an interesting chat about what he spends all his extra money on

I do agree that they should be funding the building work proportionately to their income, but I'd be interested to see this thread reversed, with a woman saying her husband wants her to explain everything she's spending her money on. Especially in a set up where finances are managed quite separately, and with no clear, explicit agreement about saving up for a shared goal.

BIossomtoes · 09/06/2025 13:02

He agreed to save his fun money too

Did he? Or did OP just assume he would?

Daleksatemyshed · 09/06/2025 13:15

@Notaripoff I'm not suggesting her DH needs to run all his purchases past the Op for approval, that's completely different. It seems to me that the Op wants this building work done and her DH isn't so keen so he's happy to let her bare the burden, but it still seems odd he earns so much more and doesn't have much to show for it.

DontSpareTheTalons · 09/06/2025 13:27

Gettingbysomehow · 09/06/2025 12:50

Ive been there with my ex husband only in my case 99% of the money came from me. If that was me over again I'd cancel the building work and tell him why.
No way I'm doing anything like that again when both parties are not 100% on board.

I was thinking the same. He is freeloading, having his fun while making you bleed for something he claims to want just as much.

I would cancel the building work and tell the builders to address the bill for the deposit to your husband. Then I would be getting my ducks in a row and reconsidering this relationship.

Original poster

NotAnotherChickenNugget · 09/06/2025 13:43

Thanks for all your opinions and advice.

My DH has quite an expensive hobby which he (perfectly reasonably) spends his fun money on so I have no doubt at least a good portion of the money for this weekend away came out of his savings.

We had a chat at lunchtime (as we're both WFH today) and he apologised and said the costs for the weekend away were more than he’d originally thought they’d be and he should have thought about it more before booking and he should have discussed with me. He’s going to concentrate on getting together the money for the things we’ll need once the builders are finished and then we’ll make a better plan for future savings.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 09/06/2025 13:49

Good result!

Tiswa · 09/06/2025 15:03

@NotAnotherChickenNugget whet about putting money for bills as you implied you put more in

and do you get to spend money on yourself like he does his hobby

Original poster

NotAnotherChickenNugget · 09/06/2025 16:12

Tiswa · 09/06/2025 15:03

@NotAnotherChickenNugget whet about putting money for bills as you implied you put more in

and do you get to spend money on yourself like he does his hobby

Haha sorry I think that was a predictive text typo, it should have said “him putting in slightly more” 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

HarLace1 · 09/06/2025 20:37

Selfish selfish prick

lessglittermoremud · 09/06/2025 20:44

I’m glad you’ve had a chat with him about it and he agrees that his weekend away wasn’t particularly fair if you’re saving.
I think as someone else has mentioned it would be best for things like this that you have a specific savings account that you both contribute the same percentage of your wages to, and keep ‘fun money’ separate. That way things are much fairer and you both know what is expected.

RawBloomers · 09/06/2025 21:12

He earns (a lot) more than you but saves less. Where did you think the money was going?

I think the issue is - has he been saving as much as you agreed to each save and is he going to pay you back the extra you put in so you can go on £1000 weekends with your mates (or whatever else you’d like)?

If he just hadn’t saved as much as he was supposed to, why is his comment about the weekend what’s made you baulk? Why were you not asking him WTF he’d been playing at when it turned out he didn’t have enough.

If he’s been saving what he was supposed to, you’re kind of moving the goal posts on him by being upset just because you agreed for extra savings to be used to take advantage of an earlier start date.

but I also think a sit down talk about finances in general might be good, because it sounds like you have different priorities and that can put a huge strain on a relationship.

Emmz1510 · 09/06/2025 21:15

You’ve posted about this work on the house before, recently. It all sounds like a complete nightmare. Didn’t he recently move out over it all? He sounds really immature.
Yanbu to feel aggrieved that he is putting less into saving than you. Not sure what you do about it. Can you each agree and equal amount to put away every week/month?

Welshmonster · 09/06/2025 21:28

You need to tell him how much money you have to put in. And he needs to pay you back if you are putting in all your savings.

don’t empty your savings account

Original poster

NotAnotherChickenNugget · 09/06/2025 21:44

Emmz1510 · 09/06/2025 21:15

You’ve posted about this work on the house before, recently. It all sounds like a complete nightmare. Didn’t he recently move out over it all? He sounds really immature.
Yanbu to feel aggrieved that he is putting less into saving than you. Not sure what you do about it. Can you each agree and equal amount to put away every week/month?

I think there must have been a similar thread, I’ve not posted about the building work before and he’s never moved out!

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAnotherChickenNugget · 09/06/2025 21:49

RawBloomers · 09/06/2025 21:12

He earns (a lot) more than you but saves less. Where did you think the money was going?

I think the issue is - has he been saving as much as you agreed to each save and is he going to pay you back the extra you put in so you can go on £1000 weekends with your mates (or whatever else you’d like)?

If he just hadn’t saved as much as he was supposed to, why is his comment about the weekend what’s made you baulk? Why were you not asking him WTF he’d been playing at when it turned out he didn’t have enough.

If he’s been saving what he was supposed to, you’re kind of moving the goal posts on him by being upset just because you agreed for extra savings to be used to take advantage of an earlier start date.

but I also think a sit down talk about finances in general might be good, because it sounds like you have different priorities and that can put a huge strain on a relationship.

Absolutely agree we do seem to have different priorities. We’re going to go ahead with the building work as it will benefit us as a family and he’s agreed he’ll work on getting the money together for furniture, flooring etc.

Once this is done we’ll definitely be sitting down to come up with a joint financial plan for our savings!

OP posts:

Deathinvegas · 13/06/2025 04:25

NotAnotherChickenNugget · 09/06/2025 11:43

My DH and I have got building work starting soon that we’ve been planning for ages, and we decided to save up for it rather than extend our mortgage. Our builder asked if they could start a couple of months earlier as they had a gap and we discussed it and decided we could just about do that if I threw in every last penny of my savings (we manage our own savings and “fun money” with a joint account for everything else). I’ve saved up about £15k more than him, despite him earning 50% more than me.

At the weekend my DH let slip in front of me when talking to a friend that he’d spent almost a thousand quid on a weekend with his BF and I can’t help feeling resentful. I’ve been so careful with my spending and we can’t afford to buy furniture or do the finishing touches once the building work is done, or have a long weekend away with the kids in the summer, but he went ahead and spent this money without any discussion.

I often feel like I’m the financially responsible one as well as carrying the mental load. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling angry and resentful about this? He doesn’t seem to think he should have discussed it with me.

YANBU you both agreed to put all your resources into making this building work happen even if it meant missing out on fun stuff. You’ve done what was agreed, your DH has continued as it’s business as usual & now you’ve got to pick up his slack.
If it was me i’d be annoyed too.

BIossomtoes · 13/06/2025 10:23

Deathinvegas · 13/06/2025 04:25

YANBU you both agreed to put all your resources into making this building work happen even if it meant missing out on fun stuff. You’ve done what was agreed, your DH has continued as it’s business as usual & now you’ve got to pick up his slack.
If it was me i’d be annoyed too.

Show quote history

They didn’t agree that at all. They agreed they wouldn’t borrow to fund it.

Blablibladirladada · 13/06/2025 18:20

NotAnotherChickenNugget · 09/06/2025 12:09

I guess my issue is that any fun money I’m not spending (and I’ve not been spending much) is going into savings to get this work done and he seems happy to leave that responsibility to me.

Show quote history

Of course he is.

the work is done and he can have fun. What is not to take? Take the piss you said? Yeah…there is that.

Unfortunately if you want it more than him then you may want to sacrifice more than him and you can’t be bitter about the fact that you chose how much you spend on your fun/keep as savings and that you also agreed on taking the work earlier than planned. You could have said no to both.

You need to find a way to not be resentful…such as :” hey, I think with all the extra I am paying in…you can manage the deco when it is done”. Also, that is assuming he also will have emptied his pot otherwise he needs to give from that for fun this summer!