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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to family

45 replies

BHJ25 · 09/06/2025 06:19

For background; I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my sister. She’s very selfish and thinks the world revolves around her. My mum is very similar, she has issues respecting people’s boundaries and thinks everyone should do what she wants.

Myself and my partner were made aware a month ago that my sister was moving house at some point this month, and it was looking like it was around the time we were going on holiday and moving house ourselves. My mum had asked us if we would help her move I said potentially.

Fast forward a week, and I find out my parents are taking my sister and her daughter on holiday for my mums last ever abroad holiday. We were not asked and again my little boy misses out. A few more weeks later my mum rings me and talking about other stuff and then informs me that my sister got engaged the week before but hasn’t told me. I know we aren’t close but I am hurt that my own sister didn’t think to ring me up to tell me her happy news. I told my mum this and she brushed over it and I asked me if I would help my sister move house in a few weeks time. I said no, if she can’t be bothered to tell me about her engagement why would I go out of my way to help her? My mums response was it wasn’t my sister asking it was my mum. I said it doesn’t matter it’s still helping my sister out. My mum left it at that because they were going on holiday and I knew she wouldn’t want to argue before they left, but I’m sure when they are back this week it will start again.
This is the week they have all gone on holiday and normally if my parents are away I hear off them a couple of times, but this time nothing at all.

AIBU for not wanting to give up my weekend to help my sister move house?

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 09/06/2025 06:28

I don't think so. I have had different issues with my own mother and have recently had an almighty row with her, but I'm determined to stop people pleasing and to place reasonable boundaries about what I want I do with my own time. I'm nearly 60'and at times you'd think I was 16. It's her tone and manner that gets me and over the years I've tried and tried to ask her to moderate it. My DS just says 'she isn't going to change at her age', well I don't care whether she's 87 or 107, I'm not being spoken to by her in that curt manner again. I've truly had enough.

BookArt55 · 09/06/2025 06:28

Just saying no because you don't want to or the relationship isn't there- completely agree.
Saying no as retaliation I see as a bit petty. I would have just taken that moment to realise that you aren't close, consider what your expectations of the relationship are and adjust your effort accordingly.
Your response will have just made your relationship ship your sister more strained, and now you mum too. Whereas you could have lowered contact/effort/support with less drama in your life.
I understand why you did it, I just wouldn't have done it as a retaliation thing about not hearing about the engagement, which seems like an excuse. Really you just need to develop that skill of putting boundaries in place and holding strong with them.

PhaseFour · 09/06/2025 06:34

I honestly don't think you owe your sister or your mum anything at all. This kind of shitty behaviour really gets my goat, OP.

If you don't help, I'm thinking perhaps you'll feel guilty, receive snarky comments and be made to feel like the bad guy. If you do help, bang goes your weekend, and you'll feel taken for granted, disrespected and resentful. It seems no matter what you do, it's lose-lose for you.

Have you communicated your feelings to your mum about the holiday?
YANBU.

SuperTrooper14 · 09/06/2025 06:47

I wouldn’t help. Not because of not being told about the engagement but because if your parents favour your sister so much that they’ll pay for her to go on holiday then they can afford to pay for a man and a van to move her.

SpryCat · 09/06/2025 06:57

You are hurting more about the family dynamics, than not being told of your sister getting engaged. Why does your mum ask you to help your sister and not step back and let her to do the ask herself? Why does she feel the need to punish you because you said no? Has she always treated your sister as the golden child?
Are you difficult to please? Argumentative? Everyone walking on eggshells around you? Is the reason you weren’t asked on holiday because they didn’t want arguments on holiday?

nomas · 09/06/2025 07:03

BookArt55 · 09/06/2025 06:28

Just saying no because you don't want to or the relationship isn't there- completely agree.
Saying no as retaliation I see as a bit petty. I would have just taken that moment to realise that you aren't close, consider what your expectations of the relationship are and adjust your effort accordingly.
Your response will have just made your relationship ship your sister more strained, and now you mum too. Whereas you could have lowered contact/effort/support with less drama in your life.
I understand why you did it, I just wouldn't have done it as a retaliation thing about not hearing about the engagement, which seems like an excuse. Really you just need to develop that skill of putting boundaries in place and holding strong with them.

Edited

OP has adjusted her effort accordingly.

The relationships here are fractured and there is favouritism going on.

Putting in place boundaries and refusing to be treated like help is not being petty.

Fairyliz · 09/06/2025 07:10

You talk about your mum taking your sister and niece on holiday, but does your sister have a partner?
If she’s a single mum and you have a partner perhaps your mum thinks she needs more help?

justkeepswimingswiming · 09/06/2025 07:12

no i wouldnt help either. If they took her on hoilday, they can pay for a man with a van or her partner can help her move!

justkeepswimingswiming · 09/06/2025 07:13

Fairyliz · 09/06/2025 07:10

You talk about your mum taking your sister and niece on holiday, but does your sister have a partner?
If she’s a single mum and you have a partner perhaps your mum thinks she needs more help?

Shes not a single mum though, shes just got engaged.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2025 07:14

Your mum and your sister's fiancé can help her move.

Misspotterer · 09/06/2025 07:14

Fairyliz · 09/06/2025 07:10

You talk about your mum taking your sister and niece on holiday, but does your sister have a partner?
If she’s a single mum and you have a partner perhaps your mum thinks she needs more help?

Did you miss the part about her sister's engagement? It's right there in the OP

Fairyliz · 09/06/2025 07:17

Misspotterer · 09/06/2025 07:14

Did you miss the part about her sister's engagement? It's right there in the OP

Show quote history

Yep I did sorry! My only excuse is it’s early for me.

Mix56 · 09/06/2025 07:21

Your sister has a fiance, he can help her.
I’d simply say no more at this point.
If your Mother returns to this subject, I would repeat, I have no meaningful relationship with S, I am moving myself & I am going on holiday.
that I am paying for. I am not available

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 09/06/2025 07:34

Don’t deal via your mum, it’s your sister who wants the favour, not your mum, stop talking to your mum about your relationship (or lack there of) with your sister. If you don’t want to help any more, fine but tell your sister, don’t tell your mum expecting her to relay it back. You need to manage the relationship with your sister directly.

nomas · 09/06/2025 07:35

Fairyliz · 09/06/2025 07:10

You talk about your mum taking your sister and niece on holiday, but does your sister have a partner?
If she’s a single mum and you have a partner perhaps your mum thinks she needs more help?

It doesn’t excuse treating grandchildren differently.

CaptainFuture · 09/06/2025 07:35

SuperTrooper14 · 09/06/2025 06:47

I wouldn’t help. Not because of not being told about the engagement but because if your parents favour your sister so much that they’ll pay for her to go on holiday then they can afford to pay for a man and a van to move her.

This and wonder how much 'helping' it would be, as opposed to you doing it while they were conveniently 'busy' doing important stuff..

nomas · 09/06/2025 07:36

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 09/06/2025 07:34

Don’t deal via your mum, it’s your sister who wants the favour, not your mum, stop talking to your mum about your relationship (or lack there of) with your sister. If you don’t want to help any more, fine but tell your sister, don’t tell your mum expecting her to relay it back. You need to manage the relationship with your sister directly.

Why would OP talk to her sister? The sister hasn’t asked OP, the mum has!

ApathyMartha · 09/06/2025 07:39

The response from your mum about it being her that was asking and not your sister leapt out at me because that’s what always happened in our house. We all tiptoed round my dad and endured family meals with him not talking to one of us but mum wanted a ‘family meal’. My brother (takes after my dad) has accused me of several things (all false) to deflect away from his shitty actions. She has never challenged him on any of them and continues to financially support him whilst he spends money on whatever he wants. My mum will always try and paper over the cracks to have this idea of ‘family’. Im very low contact with most of my family and do call out the double standard - not that it’s acknowledged. If your gut is telling you not to help your sister don’t. She has enough people to help her. As a previous poster has said, hold firm on the boundaries.

Lurker85 · 09/06/2025 07:46

You mentioned you were moving house also. Did your mom ask your sister to help you move? Doubt it! I’d avoid them all!

PussInBin20 · 09/06/2025 07:58

What did your DM say about the fact they are taking her on holiday and not you? What is the reasoning for that? I would be more peed off about that.

Original poster
BHJ25 · 09/06/2025 08:22

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, it has given me a lot to think about.

For more info, my sister has always been the golden child and can do no wrong. I’m the one that is always frozen out if I don’t agree with something they are doing or have said.

This holiday isn’t the first time something like this has happened and I have voiced my opinions in the past, and as you can see nothing has changed, because in all honesty I don’t think my mum cares about my feelings. I haven’t said a word about the holiday, partly because I will just be wasting my time.

I agree that my response to not helping my sister might seem petty and it was a knee jerk reaction in that moment. But I think having time to think and process then my answer will still be no, based on a lot of things that have happened over the last 18 months.

OP posts:
Macklemup · 09/06/2025 08:27

Step back OP.
She is golden child and you are the scapegoat.

Your child will be treated likewise.
I hope you are moving further away.
Stop calling or making any effort.
Certainly say you are too busy to help.

Put all your energy goi g forward into making friends and building a replacement network of support for you and your family.

It will be better in the long run.
Drop the rope.

Lambourn16 · 09/06/2025 08:31

My immediate family dynamic is pretty similar to yours. I wouldn’t even consider assisting with the move.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/06/2025 08:37

You absolutely don’t have to help but giving the reason as being because she didn’t tell you personally about her engagement just makes you look petty.

Take a big step back. And if she asks for any more favours just say no you’re not available. Don’t give a reason. There’s no need

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 09/06/2025 08:50

They can sort it out themselves like they planned a holiday together.. You and your time are worth more than them op..
Tell them you are taking your dc out for that day. Whichever day they suggest.
Be less available..