Saying no to family

[BHJ25]

For background; I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my sister. She’s very selfish and thinks the world revolves around her. My mum is very similar, she has issues respecting people’s boundaries and thinks everyone should do what she wants.

Myself and my partner were made aware a month ago that my sister was moving house at some point this month, and it was looking like it was around the time we were going on holiday and moving house ourselves. My mum had asked us if we would help her move I said potentially.

Fast forward a week, and I find out my parents are taking my sister and her daughter on holiday for my mums last ever abroad holiday. We were not asked and again my little boy misses out. A few more weeks later my mum rings me and talking about other stuff and then informs me that my sister got engaged the week before but hasn’t told me. I know we aren’t close but I am hurt that my own sister didn’t think to ring me up to tell me her happy news. I told my mum this and she brushed over it and I asked me if I would help my sister move house in a few weeks time. I said no, if she can’t be bothered to tell me about her engagement why would I go out of my way to help her? My mums response was it wasn’t my sister asking it was my mum. I said it doesn’t matter it’s still helping my sister out. My mum left it at that because they were going on holiday and I knew she wouldn’t want to argue before they left, but I’m sure when they are back this week it will start again.
This is the week they have all gone on holiday and normally if my parents are away I hear off them a couple of times, but this time nothing at all.

AIBU for not wanting to give up my weekend to help my sister move house?

Keep saying no.
Sounds like she doesn't deserve your time.
(Maybe I'm biased because I've finally said enough is enough with my own self centered sister).

PLEASE don't feel bad about your response to your mum - it sounds to me like it was a very reasonable reaction to you being made aware yet again of how little you matter to your sister. The fact that you're doubting even this minor pushback shows just how well they've trained you that your feelings don't matter to them.

You've nailed the family dynamic - the narc mother, your sister, the Golden Child, and you, the doormat. Time to start cutting them loose emotionally - as in, accept that they don't care about your feelings, and try to get to a place where you can shrug it off. You'll never change them; but you don't have to accept being at their beck and call.

You can’t and won’t change the dynamics of your birth family, just keep in mind that your DC will be in the role of scapegoat too. The only thing you can change is your response. I personally would distance myself away, you need to know it’s not because of you but a defect in them. Don’t get involved or be drawn into their problems or lives, concentrate on you and your family you have created. You have the right to say no @BHJ25 if asked I would say you are giving back the same energy you receive from them and then leave it at that.

There's a fairly classic Kiwi response that works well here.

'Yeah. . . . nah'.

I wouldn't be helping them. If they can only remember your phone number and family connection when they want something of you, be they family or so called friends, they can fuck right off.

Thank you everyone for your advice ☺️. They are back off the holiday today, so will see what happens

What's changed from your Mum being the problem and now it's your sister? (from your other thread). Has your Mum influenced this switch? I don't understand why you didn't go very low contact with your Mum when she ignored your pregnancy and newborn. Perhaps rethink having contact and burn your bridges, by telling her straight. As for the holiday, there is a difference between going on holiday with a baby as opposed to a child and would you still expect her to change clothes after smoking, while on holiday? However for the way she's treated you, you shouldn't be playing happy families for the sake of your MH. She's never going to shape up and it isn't your sister's fault.

@Rhaidimiddim Thanks for this response. It's just helped me realise my own family dynamic!

OP, it's hard to see what is reasonable and what isn't when there has been a certain dynamic in the family for many years and your own mother puts your interests last. But there is absolutely no need to feel guilt. Your sister has a fiance who can help her move and she doesn't value you if she can't even tell you she is engaged.

Your sister needs to ask if she wants help. It's disrespectful not to. But it sounds to me more like your dm is being manipulative than your sister actually wants help. Mine does this. Decided how she wants things, then lies and manipulates to achieve it. I'd avoid being dragged into it. Tell them you're on holiday.

P.S. has your sister offered to help with your move?
(I bet I know what the answer is.)

Is the problem less with your sister than with your mother interfering, mediating the relationship and asking for things on her behalf which your sister may not actually want at all?

Stand firm

It was no then. It is no now. It is no when she moves.

Your family sound very enmeshed, with a need to do everything together (holidays etc). You are the "normal" one, OP, so just crack on with your own life, stop telling your family everything and don't spend so much time with them.

Agreed with this.
No need to help her with ANYTHING at all.
Your parents and her fiancé can do the running around. Stay well out of it!

Update - they got back on Tuesday and I didn’t hear anything for another 24 hours. All my mum spoke about was her favourite grandchild and then asked me for a lift on the weekend. I’ve told her no and haven’t heard off her since. That was Wednesday.

Is your mum very ill? Why is this her last ever holiday?
Each family has its own weird dynamics, which probably accounts for why you didn’t call your mum when you knew she was back from holiday, and why you didn’t call your sister to congratulate her when you heard about her engagement.
I Suspect your mum asked to help your sister without your sister knowing, obviously if your sister would like you to help her move she should ask you herself. For some families, helping out for something like that almost goes without saying, and family members would offer, but with more separation between you, I can see that you don’t see why you should. Your mum sees it as an expectation that family members help each other out, I’d guess.
What you do nexr depends on the relationship you want with them going forward.

Bloody hell, she only calls to ask you favours!

Well done for saying no. Keep saying no until they start to want to see you just for seeing you and not asking for anything.

Stop doing all the thoughtful things you’ve been doing because they’re not appreciating them as loving gestures from their daughter / sister bit as your duty.

For some families, helping out for something like that almost goes without saying

If it goes without saying that you help family then it also goes without saying that you invite both of your daughters on holiday, not just the golden child.

If the subject of helping your sister with her upcoming move comes up again, and it will ad nauseum, don't mention all the (justifiable) resentments again. It has been made very clear that your Mum thinks you have no grounds for these grievances. Instead, say, on repeat:'"if you remember, Mym, I am moving house myself in the next few weeks and am up to my eyeballs trying to get everything ready for that. I'm afraid that l can't possibly help Sarah on this occasion." If you are feeling bold you could add: " "I'm sure, now that they are engaged, that Mark is itching to help her." If your Mum brings your lack of help up in the future - and she almost certainly will - you can always say: "if you remember, Mum, I was in the throes of moving myself at that point and was in no position to help Sarah. Mark was brilliant, though, wasn't he?"

Obviously she does NOT see it as an expectation that everyone helps. The op is moving house, where the fuck is her help?? She needs to reply to her mum if she asks back ‘actually mum I’m really looking for some help with my house, so if Sarah and mark (is that the names people are using for sis and fiancé?) are on top of things it would be great if you could mention that I could use a hand. Anyway I’m snowed under here, got to go bye.’

@BHJ25 Iagree that my response to not helping my sister might seem petty and it was a knee jerk reaction in that moment. But I think having time to think and process then my answer will still be no, based on a lot of things that have happened over the last 18 months

I think your response was perfect.