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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you have the ‘One that got away’

77 replies

Towonderwhatif · 08/06/2025 20:45

Or the one you wonder about occasionally?

I knew a boy at college age..we weren’t together ever, he was with other people, as was I

We got chatting over Fb maybe 9 years ago on and off for a few years. We’d send lengthy messages to one another and i’d say he was the funniest, most interesting person i’d ever connected with
We were due to meet up, but fate didn’t take that path..I was with someone (still am, but not happy) I had a child, he was not able to.
He married and lives abroad, I too live abroad but in a different country

He still just randomly pops into my head. The connection we had on every level was amazing and he thought the same

OP posts:
yakkity · 09/06/2025 18:37

Clariana · 09/06/2025 18:27

Yes, me too! We were together quite briefly, but were so much in love and great friends, we were just made for each other. But we were from different continents, and only together by sheer accident, both in the forces, posted together once, was never going to happen again, so we split up and promised to be in contact in 5 years to see if the situation was different.

I didn't hear from him, but then I didn't contact him either. I wondered about him frequently, and assumed he was married and happy, as I was by then.

Then last year (more than 25 years later) curiosity got the better of me and I googled him as he had an unusual name. I found out he had died quite soon after we split up. I had no idea grief could hit so hard, so long after someone had died.

Oh this tugged at my heart strings. I can imagine the grief. I felt a hugely disproportionate sadness when I discovered someone I knew had died some 25 or so years ago. It wasn’t a love thing but someone I occasionally thought about.
there is something massively shocking when you realise that to you, in your reality that person was alive the whole time. To discover they had died a very long time ago is quite disturbing to the soul

Smokesandeats · 09/06/2025 18:42

No but I have several ‘thank goodness I got away from them!’ I’ve been glad to see the back of all my ex partners.

Clariana · 09/06/2025 18:46

@yakkity Thank you, yes that is exactly it. All the times I had imagined him happy, doing things, watching films, going places in the world, and he never had the chance to see or do any of it.

So, so sad.

MoominMai · 09/06/2025 18:49

@Towonderwhatif Im confused I think 😅. How can he have been the one that got away when you never even dated. I thought that term was when you were with someone as your actual partner but they literally ‘got away’ usually a break up or moving to college/new area etc. but you’ve never been as happy with new people as you were with them hence the longing aspect of it. Happy to be corrected!

SilviaSnuffleBum · 09/06/2025 18:52

Towonderwhatif · 08/06/2025 21:05

Do you love your current partner?

Do you know what the one that got away is up to now?

I left my marriage, as it became abusive after our twin DC were born. Been single by choice since then.
The one that got away has been with his current partner 5 years and is apparently doing well for himself.
I'm happy that he has found someone he can make a good life with, as he was a good man when I knew him.
So, bittersweet memories, but I wish him the best (we have had no contact since we split up, but sporadically hear how he is doing via a mutual friend).

Snakebite61 · 09/06/2025 18:53

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 08/06/2025 21:05

Nah, I do have a 'fuck me he was properly fit as fuck' that I occasionally wonder about. We just fucked occasionally though so no real attachment.

That made me laugh out loud. Get your priorities right 🤣

DiscoDancingDoris · 09/06/2025 19:04

Yes. I think of him every minute of every day. I have him on social media and as soon as his status goes to single (praying and hoping) I am swooping in there..
He last messaged me about a year ago drunkenly telling me I am still the love of his life... 🥲

Catcooper25uk · 09/06/2025 19:07

No.not me once we split or you do me wrong you're dead to me as ive got older my tolerance levels are pretty low

notyourmummy · 09/06/2025 19:09

Yes. I was 18, he was 28, only person to give me goosebumps just by holding me. I went away to university and the age difference between us became too much and too noticeable, he moved on and married someone who's apparently very similar to me. I got married, but I still think of him and the way he made me feel regularly. If he turned up on my doorstep right now I'd drop everything for him.

NotOnThsAsosChristmasCardList · 09/06/2025 19:15

Yes, two.
One who was stupidly compatible we dated sort on and off over a period of time.
One I was with for 8 months and I would have completely uprooted my whole life for.
My husband is my ultimate 'the one' though.

CloudRainbowCloud · 09/06/2025 19:18

Yes and I have recurring dreams about him 😭
We had a very intense love affair in our mid-20's which he ended; i was devastated. About 4 years later he randomly messaged me on Facebook and we hooked up and started dating properly. My now exH and I got together and I had to end things. My exH turned out to be a complete monster and was very abusive. I went back on Facebook after we had divorced and commented on a mutual friend's post (the-one-that-got-away had deleted me as a friend). I must admit I was hoping he would see the comment and add me again, and maybe we could pick things up. Instead he blocked me! I only realised when I couldn't see his profile anymore but my friend could, because I got her to check. I'm really sad that he went scorched earth like this although I guess he has his reasons. We don't live in the same city and it's highly unlikely I will ever see him again in this lifetime. It makes me really sad. When I dream about him, it is always the same, we are in a post-apocalyptic city, sort of like MadMax or something and I'm at his flat. It is a very small flat, in a high-rise tower. I always wake up just before I see his face 😪

Manypets · 09/06/2025 19:19

Yes and no.

We have known each other since I was 13 (nearly 50 now). We had a very intense teenage relationship and he was my world. I thought I was his. He was 5 years older than I. In todays world you would have considered it inappropriate but in the 90s probably not.

Over the years we have kept in touch by text every so often.

I think that my flabby belly and mustache would probably be a huge dissapointment now. I have come to the conclusion I mourn the past and the good feelings or excitement but not actually him. Adult him is cringe. We would never have worked I am way too gobby and he wanted someone he could mould that was quiet and nice.

His present much younger partner is unaware that every so
often he messages me and asks to meet me when he is in my area. To date I have swerved the pleasure. Not into it in the first place and it would be disrespectful to my own family to entertain it.

notacooldad · 09/06/2025 19:20

No but I've been the one that got away for 2 exes, so they have randomly told me over the decades.

All I can say is im glad they got away!. They are nice blokes but Dh is better!

NeedToChangeName · 09/06/2025 19:21

First serious boyfriend. I thought he was it. He cheated on me and it took forever to get over it

I'd never go back to him. In my mind, once a cheater, always a cheater

But I do sometimes think about what might have been.. I imagine a parallel universe in which we were childhood sweethearts who had a family quite young

2025ismybestyear · 09/06/2025 19:22

Yes and I'm his. We have contact now.

Confusedformer · 09/06/2025 19:27

Yes a very intense mutual love and electric attraction that would almost certainly have ended in us being together if it hadn’t been for the fact that we met in unusual circumstances. We really shouldn’t have been attracted to each other, it was against the rules, so to speak.

I suspect I’d have got very sick of him if we’d actually been together, but of course I still wonder sometimes.

PermanentTemporary · 09/06/2025 19:30

I suppose my uni/graduation boyfriend. I fancied him from afar all through uni, though while shuffling my way through a deck of others. We finally got together immediately after exams when I just wore the shortest lycra dress I had and leaned against him all night. From his pov it was a fun lighthearted thing that he periodically attempted to end, for me he was THE ONE and I stuck like a limpet. Eventually he managed to get through to me that he was ending it. I married my first husband about a year later, poor sod, and ended up having a post divorce fling with my ex again, which finally kinda cured me. I still think about him, particularly the night I met him, man he was fit.

Then a man I saw a few times six years ago. We'd only have a relationship in hell I think, but he was so much fun in every way. I think about him every day and hope he's doing well.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 09/06/2025 19:38

Kind of - there was someone who was George Clooney type perfect on paper. I really wanted it to happen but sadly there was zero chemistry. I sometimes still think about him.

I wonder if I had given it a chance could the chemistry have appeared.

For a couple of guys I am the one that got away - so glad I did.

incognitomouse · 09/06/2025 19:40

Named changed for this because it could be outing (and I'm not proud either) but I had a "one that got away", turns out I was his too. We were apart for a really long time, with hardly any contact other than the occasional FB message and then to cut a long story very very short, we blew up our entire lives to be together.

CrazyGoatLady · 09/06/2025 19:40

Yeah, kinda. The guy I went out with at uni before DH. He was part of the same friend group, but a bit older than me, he'd had a GF through uni and it had ended badly. He didn't want to commit, wanted to move abroad, and I was still studying for another couple of years. I ended it, because he kept saying don't catch feelings, I'm planning to move away, things like that. I took him at his word and decided to end it before I got hurt. We stayed friendly, but at a distance. He got married to someone in a different country and now lives there. I have kids, he doesn't.

He got married to a younger woman from a rich, privileged background who sounds rather spoilt, entitled and high maintenance. This isn't me believing the poor unhappily married man spiel, btw, I'm very wise to that shite - more what I've heard from mutual friends, and I met her once at a friend's wedding. She got drunk and said she knows he regrets not ending up with me, it was all a bit awkward! I just brushed it off, said oh we were young, it was ages ago, I'm sure that's not true, that type of thing. I don't hear much from him for another few years, then around 3 years ago, he visited the UK and came up to the city nearest to where I now live and invited me for a coffee. I thought OK, nice to meet up and have a catch up after all these years. Then he tells me he absolutely adored me and was devastated when I ended it, I'm his one that got away, he's never had a connection like it since with anyone, even his wife. You could have knocked me down with a bloody feather! I hadn't a clue he felt like that, as when we were together, he pushed me away.

He's still hot, even at 50, and I do occasionally wonder what might have been, but I think I'm definitely more happily married than he is. Pretty sure if his marriage was going well, he wouldn't be hitting up an ex from nearly 20 years ago! He does try and slide in my DMs every so often and try it on - I just tell him not to be so bloody daft. I feel sorry for his wife, and also kinda sad for him too. I did always wish him well, and wanted him to be happy even if we didn't end up together. Brings me no pleasure to see that he is miserable and unhappily married. He didn't get to become a dad either because his wife would only consider surrogacy (culturally common where they live for rich people) and he refused to do it. But the answer to an unhappy life isn't romanticising the past. For whatever reason, as miserable as he says the marriage is, he's still in it, so ya know - take responsibility!

sidebirds · 09/06/2025 19:45

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 08/06/2025 21:05

Nah, I do have a 'fuck me he was properly fit as fuck' that I occasionally wonder about. We just fucked occasionally though so no real attachment.

classy 🙄

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 09/06/2025 19:46

@TwistedWonder had you gone off him fully when you met him on the stag do? I know it would have been a crappy way to treat the fiancee but still it's very dashing, bold, romantic gesture (whatever the right word,) saying that he was still so much in love with you.

TammyJones · 09/06/2025 19:47

Funny enough I dreamt about him last night.
its 40 years since we met.
Dated 18 months then had a on / off messy thing for a few years.
But he wasn’t right for me and I’m so much happier with Dh.
(they are similar in many ways)
I think things happen for a reason.

Andsoitbeganagain · 09/06/2025 19:47

Yes. We can't be together but I think of him every day and how different my life would be with him in it. He was, and will probably always be, the love of my life.

OhMelville · 09/06/2025 19:58

Yes. Met him after going through my divorce. It was a whirlwind 6 months. It ended abruptly as we were on different paths in life. I moved on and 7 years later, He messaged out of the blue when I was pregnant with DC1. My ex was a total narc and very paranoid so I didn’t dare reply. I finally did when I split up with ex and we had a good long chat and cleared the air. He occasionally pops in my thoughts but not as much since we spoke about everything. I guess it’s the mystery of the unknown that makes it more exciting.