To Insist He Forgive and Forget

[UnreliableMemory]

I've posted before, same shit different day I guess, but my patience with DH is wearing thin. We've been together a very long time, but somewhere in the middle I was unfaithful more than once. We looked to have got over it, moved house, had kids (in their teens now), and settled down. Thing is, for the past 2 years or so he increasingly brings up my infidelity at every opportunity, especially in bed. I've tried being patient and to answer all of his questions, no matter how repetitive they get, but he's adamant my accounts aren't inconsistent or there's more to tell than he already knows. if there is it's insignificant to me. It's become a barrier to intimacy and sex, and I know we're both frustrated.

It's so long ago now, AIBU to insist he either gets over it and doesn't raise it again?

Actually I agree that it could be him cheating. Its similar to why cheating people will accuse their OH's of being sneaky or cheating or whatever, because they are looking to deflect from themselves. But in this case its already happened so he can justify an affair with the fact that she has cheated on him first.

Not a huge leap at all actually.

You've said previously that he's offered to leave but you don't want him to, you've also said that you have never been honest about answering his questions. By your own admission this wasn't a single affair, it was multiple and over a period of around five years. He might've forgiven but he will never forget and he would be foolish to forget. I think it is time to part ways.

You fucked the relationship by doing this more than once. Why would he even want to be with you? You reap what you sow. You broke the relationship , you broke all trust, you broke what makes your partner special to you. It’s over. He should have left you ages ago.

It was practically a different lifetime, all those years ago. He has apparently been harbouring a grievance all this time. I wonder if he really didn't want to lose you in the past so chose to forgive, but now doesn't care so much so is dragging it up. Or how old is he, dementia creeping in and it suddenly seems recent.

It sounds like he can't forgive and forget. That can't be forced from someone.

That said, I think people who stay, but use infidelity as a stick to beat their partner with even many years on also need to take some responsibility. If you choose to stay, you are choosing the path of reconciliation, forgiveness, building something new out of what was broken. If you can't do that, you need to leave the relationship. There is no shame in being unable to stay and unable to live with it. As previous posters have said, infidelity can for some people be traumatic and scarring. I don't know the backstory here as not read previous posts, but if the OP's DH is still stuck with these feelings years on, perhaps he is one of those people for whom it's impossible to overcome. But if that's the case, he needs to face up to it.

You have two options here. Go to couples' therapy and see if you can resolve this and salvage your marriage. Or, you need to have the difficult conversation about whether it's actually possible to stay together if this is still an issue 10 years on.

A mistake is dropping a glass. Thousands of micro choices are involved in having a few affairs. It’s a choice not a mistake.

You also need to accept that he may never forgive you. Why should he forgive you?

But it is okay - You can forgive and stay together or you can forgive and move on or you can never forgive and stay together or move on. All are acceptable. It’s fine for him to never forgive you (it’s unforgivable in my opinion as it’s abusive mentally and physically and I’d never forgive an abusive partner) you can still reconcile.

what you can’t do is demand he behaves the way you want him to. A reply to your demands could be ‘I am sorry I haven’t been able to react the way you wanted me to to your betrayal and my trauma’. It’s abusive to expect him to. Yes it may be frustrating but you have no right to demand he is traumatised in a specific way that you allow.

You may not like it but as I said up thread you made you choice the minute you chose to overstep your monogamous relationship. You ended your relationship that minute. He just didn’t know it yet. Now you need to create a new relationship, or split or stay together for the kids .

What has made you change from cheating unsafe partner to a good partner? Why are you now a good partner?

I am the child of parents who were in this situation and stayed in the situation until one of them died. My mum had an affair and my dad, understandably, was very upset but they carried on together. The thing is that he spent the rest of his life making digs at her about it. I was in my early teens at the time and of course realised everything that was going on. I used to wish that they would just bloody split up (so long as I could stay with my mum, dad was always tetchy and sneering).

I always thought my mum had an affair because my dad wasn't very nice, is this how you felt about your DH, OP?

I personally think you have to start accepting that your marriage is over.

You don't get to bark out those sort of orders. You're the one who did the dirty on him. However If he doesn't want to forgive nor forget then he should hoof your marriage to the kerb. It's also not fair on you that you're punished your whole life for a wrong doing.

If he wants to continue the relationship then he needs to find a way of drawing a line on the past and moving on. It’s not a trump card to use against you that he can drag up in every argument forever more. That will do neither of you any good.

if he can’t move on or find a way of letting go of the anger and rebuilding trust then he should accept that the relationship is over.

a decent therapist should make that entirely clear.

He should get some self worth and leave you. Not many people (with good self esteem) get over the absolute betrayal of infidelity. It rots your mind.

You can’t insist he forgive you, no. Especially for something so awful! You can tell him if he can’t get over it then the marriage should end and then he can decide if he wants to stay or not

Your cheating changed him. And this is what you have changed him to. A man with deep rooted resentment and insecurity that keeps bubbling to the surface. Your choices are to accept this as the monster you created, leave him or get help as a couple to try to repair things.

In a nutshell you don’t get to ‘insist’ that he forgives and forgets . He may come to terms with it but he will never forget as I’m assuming you never would if the situation was reversed.

This is the mature response needed

This

Yeah….. but it’s MN

What were the reasons you were unfaithful and did you fall for the other guy?

“Somewhere in the middle I was unfaithful, more than once”.
I think in the right circumstances, I could maybe forgive infidelity. I could not and would not forgive it though if this was the attitude of my DH. You’ve basically said “yeah, I shagged a few other people, but it was years ago, get over it”. I don’t think it works like that!
If you want him to accept and get over the fact that you actually did it, you need to accept and own the fact that what you did was selfish, hugely hurtful and damaging to him. Minimising it won’t help you or him.

If this is legit, and not a reverse, he has a right to his feelings, you have a right to leave.

I hope he dumps you. He deserves someone better than a cheating liar.