To Insist He Forgive and Forget

[UnreliableMemory]

I've posted before, same shit different day I guess, but my patience with DH is wearing thin. We've been together a very long time, but somewhere in the middle I was unfaithful more than once. We looked to have got over it, moved house, had kids (in their teens now), and settled down. Thing is, for the past 2 years or so he increasingly brings up my infidelity at every opportunity, especially in bed. I've tried being patient and to answer all of his questions, no matter how repetitive they get, but he's adamant my accounts aren't inconsistent or there's more to tell than he already knows. if there is it's insignificant to me. It's become a barrier to intimacy and sex, and I know we're both frustrated.

It's so long ago now, AIBU to insist he either gets over it and doesn't raise it again?

But he didn’t. He chose to stay so he can’t keep beating OP over the head with it.

OP he needs to get some help or you split up. He cannot keep attacking you with this if he chose to remain in the marriage

He might forgive but he will never forget.

somewhere in the middle I was unfaithful more than once

I couldn’t sleep with someone who had cheated on me once never mind more than once. That’s a line crossed imo and no matter how much they insisted I forgive and forget there’s no way I could forgive the betrayal of trust, I’m surprised he stayed tbh. I’d have left and so should he, he needs to find his worth and self respect.

He needs to put you in the bin and move on.

I saw your previous threads, this man has been brutally traumatised.

There's no way back, just start the divorce.

Hopefully he can start trying to heal from the trauma and build a joyous life, and he can continue being a wonderful father.

Of course you can’t insist he forgive & forget, anymore than he was able to insist you stay faithful. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

I didn’t see your other threads but it sounds like a long story.

How do you read previous threads?

Well yes yabu. No one forgets being cheated on and you can't insist that he gets over it and never raises it again.
What you can do is tell him that you won't remain in the marriage if your infidelity keeps being brought up, after all these years.

it sounds like something has triggered his upset at what you did. What that is only he can tell you but your not wrong to ask that he deals with it but he’s not wrong to work through what he needs too with you to get there

YANBU to want peace—but unresolved hurt doesn’t vanish with time alone. He’s clearly still stuck in it, and constant questioning sounds less like healing and more like punishment (for both of you).

You’ve done your part by being open. Now, if this is going to move forward, he needs to decide if he actually wants to heal—or just keep reliving it. Couples counselling could help, but it has to be a two-way process. You’re not wrong to set boundaries—he can’t keep reopening old wounds without taking steps to close them.

I honestly don’t see why you stayed together in the first place. But, yes, as above - he needs to forgive you or end it.

You can't insist he forgives you - forgiveness doesn't work that way. But you can say that if he can't forgive you there is no future for the relationship.

I don't think you can insist he forgives and forgets - but you can insist that he either accepts that the past happened and you move on - or the relationship ends. He can't keep holding this against you.

I would not take a cheating partner back - but he did so. He needs to stop throwing it in your face now. If he can't I'd end the marriage.

Insist he forgives?! You jest!
You wrecked your relationship by cheating ... you are the guilty party ... you are in no.place to indist on anything at all.

Multiple times is not a mistake.

I can see why it feels frustrating and untenable to continue repeatedly discussing this in the same fruitless way. It’s not reasonable to require someone to forget but I do think it’s reasonable to expect him to have decided by now whether he can forgive you or not.
Have there been periods of time during the intervening years where he seemed to have moved past it or has it always been this way?

If he seemed to have forgiven you and now seems not to have done so, then it is probably about more than just the historic infidelity. It could be that he is struggling in other areas of his life, it could be that he is comparatively recently more dissatisfied in your marriage and wants to revisit this so that you can be the bad guy when he leaves. And all this could be a conscious decision or completely subconscious. Neither you nor we can realistically unpick this.

It’s time for counselling, probably together and separately, to unpick all this.
And, although your frustration is understandable, I’m not sure the phrase “insist he forgive and forget” is appropriate. It makes you sound as though you are not truly sorry.

My ex was just like you someone who couldn’t keep it in his pants. He had me move across the country just so he could be closer to his last side piece, and I didn’t even know it. Then, after everything came out, he had the audacity to tell me I wasn’t allowed to bring up his cheating anymore and that I needed to “get over it.”

Let’s be clear: what you did was disgusting. You blew up your marriage, shattered someone’s trust, and now you want him to stop asking questions and just move on? That’s not how this works. If you cheat, you don’t get peace. You get consequences. Either live with the guilt and the fallout or do him a favour and leave but don’t sit here and act like you’re the one being wronged.

Have you read ‘not just friends’ by Glass?

I have just reread my post and it seems harsh however I also feel it’s necessary as your opening post suggests you have no clue as to what damage you have caused. Did you rug sweep at the time?

Unfortunately cheating can cause PISD and you cannot control how the betrayed reacts to your poor choices. You made a choice and now you have the choice to put up and be honest and patient or leave. You can’t make him behave in the way you see as ‘correct’.

What was the reason for you choosing to betray him? What work have you done since cheating on the personality traits that allowed you to (presumably) betray yourself by betraying your own values and beliefs? How have you shown your spouse what work you have done.

If you explain to us why you cheated (not the details) but just the Why, we may be able to help.

I think some relationships can be fixed and improved upon but in the main most cheaters don’t have the personality traits needed to fix this. The lack of those traits is why they betrayed their own values (or didn’t have the necessary values to be a partner) at the point of cheating.

Repetition suggests trauma.

Did you write a timeline? tell him everything immediately or trickle truth at the time? Does he know everything?

By staying over 10 years he is trying very hard every day. Have you ever just said thank you (out of the blue) - you know it must be hard for him. Have you offered him info that he didn’t have to ask for? When infidelity shows on a film have you brought it up and discussed how YOU fucked up and sought ego kibbles or whatever. Or do you just appreciate the peace when he doesn’t mention it and seems okay and quiet? Do you avoid bringing up your infidelity unless he mentions it?

The biggest problem is (in my opinion) as time goes on the betrayed starts seeing the poor personality traits that allowed their spouse to cheat. Due to trauma this can take years. Then they can’t unsee it. Then they get the ick (cheating in a nutshell by Mitchell - explains how they may see you). The less you address it, the more likely he’ll leave.

If you had a car accident today or were assaulted by a stranger you could avoid your trauma and heal. He sees the woman who caused his trauma daily. And is trying to be okay. His focus needs to be on him and it may be that your behaviour is still a deal breaker - and that’s okay.

Book counseling with a Gottman counsellor. Buy Gottmans books and sit down with an honest timeline. Yep he may dump you if you lied. But that’s his choice and it’s his right. You made your choice when you chose to shag someone else.

Cheaters want to control the narrative (hence they sneak about and usually hide the truth).

Trickle truth is often the real killer. Plus the slow burn of ick over 3-10 years.

Good luck op - there are great resources out there but your post suggests you aren’t a great reconcilliation choice - you don’t get it. He’s clearly in pain.

Affairs are neither sexy nor attractive - they are cheap and nasty and the gift that keeps on giving. Why are you still there?

The trouble is, what you did cannot be undone. You can heal a wound but the scar stays forever. There’s a reason why it’s come up again now. Ask him what’s bothering him. Has something else happened to make him feel insecure? Is he depressed about work or something like that?

You cannot reasonably insist he get over it. You did something unforgivable, and it’s not his fault that it’s bothering him again now. You need to work with him on why it’s bothering him again now. As others have suggested, relationship counselling would be a good idea.

You've obviously caused him a deep hurt which has lasted years. What you did was unforgivable. You need to either keep being patient with him or leave, your call.

That he didn't leave you in itself is a miracle. Had this been my wife it would have been over.

Having said that, either get over it or get gone. My instinct would be that you should draw a line in the sand and move on separately

Poor man. Maybe he's realising, when thinking about his life, that he shouldn't have stayed with a cheat, but because he did, and had children, that adds so many extra layers of difficulty to the situation.
I think you've got an incredible nerve to expect him to forgive and forget. He will never forget. I hope he can summon the courage to leave you and live a better life. If you're not happy then why don't you leave him?

Lmaoo he should of just left you in the first place.

If it’s been so long and you haven’t managed to both move past it then it’s not really gonna happen is it?

He loves you clearly but doesn’t trust you and probably never will.

I’d struggle to trust someone if they cheated multiple times too but neither of you deserve to be unhappy - so maybe do the right thing for both of you and end it. 🤷🏽‍♀️