How did you react when your grown up child told you they were getting divorced?

[UmbrellaNeeded]

Was it very painful? Did you see it coming? Was it a shock when your child told you? Were you very disappointed and upset?

How do you feel OP?

Which paper are you writing this for?

When my sibling announced their divorce, my parents were upset because she was so badly hurt, and disappointed that her husband, a loved family member, turned out to be a lying cheating shit.
I felt that way too.

But my parents were very supportive, helped her navigate the legalities, and were there for her.

At no point did they push her towards reconciliation or divorce.

My parents were shocked and upset, and guilted me about leaving my ex-DH. The way they stuck up for him over supporting me has irreversibly impacted our ongoing relationship.

Elated.
Only because he's going to prison for what he did to her.

It's normal these days so why would it be a shock or anything

Why would it be painful? It's not your marriage

Surely the only pain you experience is seeing your child going through a painful experience? Unless they were married for literal decades and the spouse felt like your own son/daughter, but even then, they aren’t your own so you should prioritise how your own child is feeling over how you are feeling. That’s the role of a parent. I say this as a child who told my parents I was getting divorced due to being cheated on and they were brilliantly supportive, all they cared about was my happiness and they made that abundantly clear. If they had said they were disappointed and upset then they would have been making it about them.

There are a few reasons.

Having to watch helplessly as your child has their heart broken is horrendous. I’d rather endure the pain myself than see it happen to my child again.

Also, having to deal with your own pain of losing a dear family member that you’d grown to love over years; often coupled with the usual feelings of anger/disappointment if there has been infidelity involved. It’s really sad when you love a person like a daughter and then suddenly you’re never ever going to see that person again.

Also as in-laws, we’re often shielded from problems in the relationship, so when a break up happens it is very sudden and appears to be out of the blue, even though it’s obviously not like that for the couple.

ETA: @Arlanymor It’s not making it about yourself to have your own feelings. Of course you prioritise your child and don’t voice those feelings. You keep them to yourself, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t feel it.

Thanks everyone for your input. I’m the adult child who’s parents have reacted less than favourably to the news, I’m trying to have empathy and see their point of view.

My parents were very upset and ashamed. They believed till death do you part. It was heartbreaking.

My parents were awful.
Made it all about them and flipped between going on about the ‘upset’ I’d caused by asking ex to leave (cheated for several years, abusive) and my ‘failure’
to threatening to kill my ex and causing a huge load of drama and chaos for me to fix.

When my mum decided that my drama had taken enough of the spotlight, she pretended to have an affair and get all the attention back on her.

Needless to say, I’m an eldest daughter who had to raise her siblings and take care of alcoholic parents with severe mental health issues.

At the time of the breakup, I had so much to deal with (taking care of the kids, finances, STD tests, restraining order) that I didn’t really process it but afterwards I felt hurt that they could not be supportive or even just kind like other parents were.

I’m sure it is difficult for a parent when their child goes through a divorce: we hate to see our children in pain, but unfortunately not all parents are capable of providing the emotional support we may need. In which case, seeking support from friends or other people outside immediate may be helpful.

sorry you’re going through this. It does get easier with time

I am sorry to read your update Op You are not the one who lacks empathy in this.
I have no advice, just the hope that your parents will wake up quickly .

Sad and worried about DS and DGC

Why are you divorcing OP?
I think it can very much depend on the reason for the divorce.
For example, if your own child has cheated on their spouse, or been violent towards them, it can be extremely difficult to deal with because their behaviour repels you, you never brought them up to behave in such a way and it can feel like you actually don't know your child at all. In which case the revelation of that type of behaviour can fundamentally and permanently change the relationship between parent and child.
On the other hand, you may welcome your child's divorce as it means they have finally seen the light about the true nature of their spouse.
Or it can just be a very sad, painful experience if the marriage has run its course for no particular reason. You can feel sorry for both your child and their spouse, it can be hard to lose a child in law whom you loved and treated as family.

Hang on, I didn't say you couldn't feel it did I? Not once. In fact my post made it very clear that if my parents has SAID they were disappointed then that would be have been highly upsetting. I never said how anything is/isn't allowed to feel.

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings - in every facet of life - it's when and where they express those feelings that matters. Thought that was fairly self evident in everyday life, but just clarifying it as it appears not...

My mum waa awful when my sister got divorced and it was fairly amicable, they was no cheating or anything they just grew apart but she never accepted it
When my sister met her current partner my mum never really accepted him and he's a nice guy and tried really hard
My Dad was a lot better he was upset at first but now realises my sister is much happier.

Wishing you lots of luck - I hope they come around in time. Good on you for doing what is right for you - this board is full of posts of people who can't bring themselves to do the same, despite it being patently obvious it is the right thing to do. Good luck for the next phase of your life - onwards and upwards.

I’ll be honest I cried. Ex son in law grew on us. Although it was obvious from a year into the relationship that their personalities grated on each other.
So initially I took it hard.
Yes my dd takes priority, but as he’s the father of two grandchildren we remain “family”.
The break up remains in progress, it’s messy and complicated and in the mean time we’ve maintained cordial family type relations with him.
Equally we love and support our dd.
We live far away so that makes it a bit easier.

My parents were supportive at first in person, when I told them.

Howwver, the next day they called me asking me to rethink for the sake of the children. That was absolutely gutting given what I’d told them about his general unkindness and how he treated me. I felt like I didn’t matter at all, with a side order of being made to feel selfish / like I wasn’t acting in my children’s best interests. It was awful, especially after my initial pleasant surprise about how they’d taken it.

I think if the parents have weathered various "storms" up to and including infidelity, growing apart, not agreeing with each other about quite important things but then over a very very long marriage resolved these issues and are contented in old age (60 plus) it can be difficult for them to resist suggesting reconciliation, patience, time.

I know one daughter whose parents advocated patience and forbearance until the day came that the son in law hit her. And that was it...a line had been crossed and they practically signed the divorce papers for her. Ironically, she might have given it another go because the parental pressure to stay married and "endure" was so strong in other ways.

Assuming there was no abuse or infidelity, I'd expect most parents to be sad and disappointed that it had come to this, but ultimately supportive of their child. Obviously it's more complicated when there are also grandchildren to consider, but I'd still expect them to be supportive, especially if any type of abuse was happening. You don't want your child to experience that or your grandchildren to witness it and absorb it into their own behaviour or expectations of life.

My parents were overall very suppprtive and, unlike them, kept a lid on it. Ex was a total
shitbag and my parents knew the ins and outs as the marriage happened and bit their tongue on stuff that I would have freaked out over if it were my kid. My parents offered to pay my legal fees. They never slagged ex off; it was all just business chat.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. My mum made it all about her, and how sad it made her feel. Although we have moved on, I won't forget that.

My in-laws were relieved when BIL announced his separation but his wife is really unpleasant. They were really great though and provided nothing but love and support, they tried very hard to appear neutral. Sadly they reconciled and BIL only really gets in touch if they’re on the verge of separation again.