Friend distracted whilst we are on holiday due to new man in her life?

[Positivevibes01]

Just that really.
Currently on holiday abroad with two friends who I have known for 12 years. Absolutely no issues in the friendship, met at uni and stayed friends. I'd consider both my best friends and vice versa. We are in our 30s & 40s.
One of the friends is talking to a man she has met. Only problem is, she is already married. I've told her what I think of this and that she shouldn't act on it and needw make a decision either way as I feel she is playing with fire. Despite nothing physical having happened between them, we are currently on holiday and she is constantly on the phone tapping away, sending photos etc and wandering off to speak on the phone. Last night was the final straw for me as we came back to the hotel to have a drink on our balcony (which lasted all of twenty minutes) before she swanned off again to video call him for an hour or so. Other friend and I just sat together and finally ended up going to bed instead of waiting for her to come back.
This next part is what has made me irritated to say the least...I'm in bed trying to get to sleep and other friend is already asleep. Friend in question comes creeping in whispering our names to get a power bank charger as her phone was nearly dead. I purposely ignored as I was trying to sleep and she'd already been speaking to him for an hour at this point. Anyway, as she'd come in from outside, the air con in the room automatically shuts off. Great. So I got up and went outside to cool off. She was there and asked if I had the power bank, I said yes but I was using it to charge my phone (which I have done every night since we got here as I forgot EU plug). She asked to use it and said she would then put my phone back on charge when she came back. I reluctantly said yes but knew I'd get woken up again with her plugging it back in to my phone at god knows what time she decided to come back. And it did. She also just took the power bank, said "can't you sleep?"...I said no and off she went again, purposely walking away from our terrace to talk to him in private.
Fast forward to today, lovely morning so far. Have had breakfast together however she is now distracted again and has gone off saying she was going to get ice and our drinks from the room. 45 mins gone by and no sign.
AIBU to feel annoyed that I have spent a lot of money on this holiday (actually a lot more than we usually do and we go away together each year) just for her to be so absent and distracted?!

YANBU. What's your other friend think?

I wouldn't do it again but not sure how being annoyed now will make a difference if she is that obsessed it wouldn't sink in with her anyway

Other friend doesn't say a lot about the phone situation although she was asleep last night when all this palaver was going on.
She does agree that friend in question needs to decide what she is going to do though.

That does sound annoying. Don't know if she'd listen if you asked her to put her phone down for a while, can you and other friend try to enjoy yourselves with no expectation that she'll join you?

Do what again? Go on holiday?
I understand your stance and you are right. She is completely and utterly besotted. Which I would be happy for her had she not been in a relationship for 17 years, 8 married.
I'm just venting and upset mostly as we have all gone away every year for the last 4 and each holiday has been great. This has too but parts of it just feel like she'd rather be somewhere else.

I’d be tempted to start making plans without your friend who is busy, and not wait around for her. If she wants to ostracise herself, let her and don’t let it interfere with your holiday anymore.

I’d just go off with the other friend and leave her to it. If she wants to spend all the time talking to her new man and ditching her friends that’s her prerogative. I wouldn’t get mad about it. I’d just crack on and have a lovely time with my other friend

I don't want to cause a rift and turn the holiday sour as we only have two days left. She is on board with day trips and heading out for food etc it's just mostly when we are around the pool or at night when coming back from somewhere she is calling and messaging him or asking us to take videos of her in the pool/sea to send to him. But yes, me and other friend are just cracking on when she isn't here. I think I'll bring it up if I still find it causing issues when we get home.

I don't get what it has to do with you being a friend doesn't give you the right to have a relationship input tho. Think your getting annoyed over basic things when there's no need to, people change as the years go by, just because it's not happening like usual holidays doesn't mean it's a bad thing

I’d accept that you’ve lost her to this guy & focus on enjoying the rest of your hol with your other friend. It’s really rude of her but you can’t do anything to change it & I’d be concerned /annoyed at her dabbling with someone when she’s married too. But you won’t be able to change that either. Start to be a bit distant & focus on activities, trips or daily things without her. She”ll soon get the message. Ie Get up & out & out & leave her a note saying we’re by the pool /gone to the beach see you whenever. Or text & say we’re going into the old town see you later type thing. She’s absenting herself very rudely so nothing wrong with focussing on the 2 of you & leaving her to her own devices. If she complains then she’s hardly got a leg to stand on & you're not excluding her just living in the moment & enjoying your holiday, not hanging around waiting & hoping she’ll participate.

I'm annoyed because her behaviour (coming back to the room and disturbing us) isnt fair. She is volunteering information willingly and actively telling us about what is going on between her and him. I'm not prying. I also know her wife (she is married to a woman) and we go out together as friends in a group and I don't agree with what she is doing!

This has disaster written all over it and when it all implodes you are going to get dragged into the whole sorry mess when her dh finds out that you knew.

She is being incredibly selfish doing this *( both to you, mutual friend and dh) and has obviously lost her head over this new man. Do you feel able to talk to her about this op?

Sure, it’s annoying to be woken up, but that has nothing to do with her extramarital relationship, really. She was just being insensitive. And I think you need to separate your feelings about her potential affair from her not feeling fully present on your holiday — if she’s up for day trips and going out just as usual, and it’s only that she’s calling him or messaging at night or when you’re by the pool, that doesn’t sound as of it’s too disruptive?

I do to a point bit she says she isn't cheating and wouldn't do anything (physically). I suppose it depends what you class as cheating doesn't it. I'd be devastated if my partner was speaking to someone else the way she is with this new man and her wife would be too (she is married to a woman). I've tried to tell her that it isn't fair to her wife and that she needs to either cut him off or leave her wife if she isn't happy. But she just says she doesn't know what to do and that she has a good life with wife, apart from sex which is what is fuelling this relationship with him as she isn't being fulfilled. Which I've told her I do understand, but a decision needs to be made. She just says she doesn't want to stop talking to him and hopes it'll fizzle out.

It has everything to do with it when she's scrambling around us and trying to get our attention at 1.30am to get a power bank to continue speaking to him outside. She has a charger of her own plugged in the wall in the room which she could have used to charge the phone but wanted to carry on speaking to him outside.
By the pool and at night is constant. Constantly messaging, video calling and disturbing us asking to take videos, editing them in slow-mo etc for us to send to her to send to him. Basically, the long and short of it is, she isn't really mentally present.

I think it’s a bit shit on her part if she’s asking you to take videos of her in the sea so that she can send them to him. That would cross a line on my part as she’s asking you to enable the emotional affair or whatever this is. Personally I’d be unapologetic and brief about saying no to that, you respect that she’s an adult and can make her own decisions but it’s not on to expect you to actively collaborate in behaviour you don’t feel comfortable with. Re the charger etc I’d also just say briefly and unapologetically that you understand she wants to talk to this man but she’s being inconsiderate by waking you up and deactivating the air con when it’s hot. Please don’t do that.

Is her wife at home with children and working whilst she’s off doing this?

Wife is working and they have one 18 yr old at home.

If you are friends with the wife, I would be worried you will be dragged into deceiving her.

@GreenCandleWaxthey are already deceiving the wife by not telling her.

I understand this view however I don't feel it is my place to potentially blow up their marriage. I would say I am friendly with her wife but only when going out to a beer garden, bbq round the house etc. So when I said we go out in a group, this is what I mean. I don't ordinarily talk to her wife as my friend.

Ugh I would hate this. She's cheating on her wife and asking you to assist her to do that. I couldn't stay friends with someone who behaved like this. People split up, if she's not happy in her relationship then its ok for her to leave and for you to support her through that. But to conduct this kind of emotional affair in full view of you and get you to act as a bystander, collude (by taking videos for her to send, give her your power bank so she can carry on her heart to hearts with him and presumably by keeping this secret from her wife- who you also know) she is taking things way way too far. I'd not be able.to hold my tongue with this. It's awful behaviour.

But again, thst has nothing to do with it being an extramarital affair. She could be just as distracted by a new relationship or flirtation that was entirely on the level, or waking you up in the night because she snores/sleepwalks/or is an insomniac who keeps sighing and turning her pillow over noisily. Deal with the issues separately.

So what she’s saying here makes no sense? The issue with her wife is lack of sex/lack of good sex and ‘that's what’s fuelling her relationship with this man’, yet she claims she has done nothing physically with him and wouldn’t? Makes no sense at all. Is she being honest?

I know what you're saying but I'm afraid I disagree. The reason matters. If she was being distracted because she was keeping tabs on an unwell relative, or awake in the night because she was unwell herself - it would be reasonable to expect friends to support, offer help and put their own needs aside to an extent. But she's not - she's being selfish and a bad friend because she is conducting an affair. Sometimes it's ok to judge. This is one of those times.