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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long do you attend family events for?

34 replies

OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 08:50

We went to a family event that was 4 hours, lots of people. We enjoyed the event, helped serve, chatted to guests etc. We stayed back to help clear up load the cars etc. Then said our goodbyes. My FIL was hurt we weren't going over to theirs. He asked me (3 times) and I said no - it's been a long day. He then asked my husband (twice).

I'm new to setting boundaries and I understand that I get to set them but don't get to choose how the other person feels about them. But I find it really hard...keep seeing the hurt/angry look on his face in my mind.

My question is...AIBU to have wanted to go home after 5 hours there? (The journey is an hour also there and back again).
I just wanted to be in my own space to unwind. If we'd gone over we'd have had to stay for long enough for DC to have dinner which felt like the day was stretching too far, or literally go in for 10 mins and go home which seemed a bit pointless.

The reason I feel AIBU is the complete lack of comprehension on FILs face and also some people did go over to theirs afterwards so it clearly didn't feel like a long day to everyone.

(I do feel like my FIL was BU by asking more than once but that's not what this thread is about)

OP posts:
greencartbluecart · 08/06/2025 08:53

Only question - was he after a lift or something in particular ?

Hufflemuff · 08/06/2025 08:54

Hes unreasonable for asking 3 times then asking DP 2 more times.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 08:55

greencartbluecart · 08/06/2025 08:53

Only question - was he after a lift or something in particular ?

No he had his own car. As far as I could tell he just wanted the core family to gather post-event for a cup of tea, whereas in my mind we'd all just seen each other for several hours, albeit with extended family there.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 08/06/2025 08:57

No you weren't unreasonable but it's one of those situations where you have to say no, we'd love to but:

The DC need to do their homework
My friend Jane is popping round at 6 to help with x.
We need to cut the grass/get ready for next week and this is the only time we have available.
I need to get a report finished for work before Monday and this is the only slot I have to do.

We would have loved to come and hope to another time.

NoNameisGoodEnough · 08/06/2025 08:57

Gosh no, that's plenty of time. DH is not the most sociable creature and he is often done before me so we make a move. We certainly wouldn't be making anything longer than the 4 hours you'd already done. Do other family live closer?

user1471505356 · 08/06/2025 08:58

3/4 hours is long enough.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:00

RosesAndHellebores · 08/06/2025 08:57

No you weren't unreasonable but it's one of those situations where you have to say no, we'd love to but:

The DC need to do their homework
My friend Jane is popping round at 6 to help with x.
We need to cut the grass/get ready for next week and this is the only time we have available.
I need to get a report finished for work before Monday and this is the only slot I have to do.

We would have loved to come and hope to another time.

Yeh I think it was my reasoning that might have been hurtful "it's been a long day" could imply I've had enough whereas "I have to do job xyz" might land better.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:01

NoNameisGoodEnough · 08/06/2025 08:57

Gosh no, that's plenty of time. DH is not the most sociable creature and he is often done before me so we make a move. We certainly wouldn't be making anything longer than the 4 hours you'd already done. Do other family live closer?

I'm glad I'm not the only one!
Some live closer, others live nearer us...but have older DC, not sure if that helps

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 08/06/2025 09:03

OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 08:55

No he had his own car. As far as I could tell he just wanted the core family to gather post-event for a cup of tea, whereas in my mind we'd all just seen each other for several hours, albeit with extended family there.

Show quote history

If it was his wife's funeral then he probably didn't want to go home alone and then you should have gone and had dinner with him.

If it was another type of event then you are not U.

Dweetfidilove · 08/06/2025 09:04

How long I stay depends on the vibes or who Im spending time with. I don't think you were unreasonable though.
Your FIL was though.

Wonderwall23 · 08/06/2025 09:07

I would definitely feel like you and think that the event is enough and I would struggle with this so I don't think you are unreasonable.

My MIL and FIL are a bit like this in terms of asking things multiple times, however they are local, have each other and we see them a lot. If he's on his own and you don't see him often then I'm a little bit more on the fence. I can imagine if it was my Mum in this situation I would have seen her home tbh.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:09

BlueMum16 · 08/06/2025 09:03

If it was his wife's funeral then he probably didn't want to go home alone and then you should have gone and had dinner with him.

If it was another type of event then you are not U.

Show quote history

Wife is very much alive and it wasn't a funeral :)

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 08/06/2025 09:09

RosesAndHellebores · 08/06/2025 08:57

No you weren't unreasonable but it's one of those situations where you have to say no, we'd love to but:

The DC need to do their homework
My friend Jane is popping round at 6 to help with x.
We need to cut the grass/get ready for next week and this is the only time we have available.
I need to get a report finished for work before Monday and this is the only slot I have to do.

We would have loved to come and hope to another time.

Absolutely this ^
I wonder if FIL hasn’t got much to do so a bit bored.
It’s also about personalities - my sister’s in laws often stay at hers after a family event, they love it. I would rather get a taxi home and sleep in my own bed.

lilproblem · 08/06/2025 09:09

Are you Indian?

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:10

Wonderwall23 · 08/06/2025 09:07

I would definitely feel like you and think that the event is enough and I would struggle with this so I don't think you are unreasonable.

My MIL and FIL are a bit like this in terms of asking things multiple times, however they are local, have each other and we see them a lot. If he's on his own and you don't see him often then I'm a little bit more on the fence. I can imagine if it was my Mum in this situation I would have seen her home tbh.

His wife is alive, his siblings and mum live near him. We don't live near but did try to visit and have them over as much as possible (probably not nearly enough though).

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:10

lilproblem · 08/06/2025 09:09

Are you Indian?

Yes
🤣

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 08/06/2025 09:11

OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:10

Yes
🤣

Show quote history

You should have put it in your post as I guess it’s cultural.

Tagyoureit · 08/06/2025 09:14

Meh, maybe he misses his son and grandkids and you. Maybe he just wants to see you more. Maybe because it was a big family event, he felt like he hadn't spent enough time with you. Maybe he's lonely.

Sometimes, people miss people and there's no underhand reason other than just wanting to spend more time with family.

Seeing as you were there, close by, I see no issue with him asking. Him asking so many times would worry me. I would call to ensure he's alright.

itsgettingweird · 08/06/2025 09:17

I have a large family.

some people (me included!) would be done after the 5 hours.

Some would go back and do 9-10 hours with each other.

No one is right or wrong, reasonable or unreasonable.

But your FIL was BU to keep asking.

BlueMum16 · 08/06/2025 09:17

OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:09

Wife is very much alive and it wasn't a funeral :)

Show quote history

You were fine to go them. What does your DH think?

Needlenardlenoo · 08/06/2025 09:29

My mum and gran were like this (no we're not Indian...)

We'd go for lunch and have to stay till 9 or 10pm and then drive an hour home. Or DGran would be offended.

My generation has broken the cycle!

CocoSpaniel · 08/06/2025 09:31

OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 08:55

No he had his own car. As far as I could tell he just wanted the core family to gather post-event for a cup of tea, whereas in my mind we'd all just seen each other for several hours, albeit with extended family there.

Show quote history

It seems his (and possibly other people's?) vision of the event included the core family gathering afterwards at his house. So from his point of view you left early, before it was finished.

Meanwhile from your point of view he was trying to extend something that had already finished.

I'm not saying he was right to ask you so many times, but I'm not sure you were actually right to go home before what could not unreasonably be seen as the real end. The cup of tea at home afterwards when everyone gets to relax a bit more is sometimes one of the best bits of an event like that. It would have been better to give specific reasons, at least.

I think if this was a regular event then it would make more sense to see this as an example of essential boundary setting, although even then I think it would be better to give specific reasons for having to get back.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/06/2025 09:41

No one is right or wrong about this, and you feel what you feel, as does FiL.
Going forwards, I think it would be good to clarify expectations in advance, "Oh yes, we'd love to come to x event, what time shall we arrive? We'd need to leave by x time ." And this should come from his son, not you.

NeonUnicorn · 08/06/2025 09:54

pizzaHeart · 08/06/2025 09:11

You should have put it in your post as I guess it’s cultural.

Show quote history

Not necessarily cultural. My in laws can be a bit like this and we're Scottish! It doesn't seem to matter how long we stay, there is always a sense of disappointment when we leave and I'm always left feeling a bit guilty.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:59

CocoSpaniel · 08/06/2025 09:31

It seems his (and possibly other people's?) vision of the event included the core family gathering afterwards at his house. So from his point of view you left early, before it was finished.

Meanwhile from your point of view he was trying to extend something that had already finished.

I'm not saying he was right to ask you so many times, but I'm not sure you were actually right to go home before what could not unreasonably be seen as the real end. The cup of tea at home afterwards when everyone gets to relax a bit more is sometimes one of the best bits of an event like that. It would have been better to give specific reasons, at least.

I think if this was a regular event then it would make more sense to see this as an example of essential boundary setting, although even then I think it would be better to give specific reasons for having to get back.

Show quote history

Ah yes I can see what you mean !

OP posts: