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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed with inlaws drinking

50 replies

DaisiesAndDonuts · 07/06/2025 22:53

I'll try keep this short ...

My in-laws aren't your typical grandparents. They're fairly young as they had their children when they were very young. So now in their mid 60s and still enjoy partying, concerts and clubbing etc. absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact we are happy they are still enjoying life to the full!
Before kids we would be joining them alot of the time!
Since having children we rarely see them because they are spending their weekends in the pub with their friends. Again nothing wrong with that, it's up to them.
Here is our issue... When we do see them, it always involves drinking. We have 3 young children 8,5 and 1. Our 5yr old is disabled as well so we rarely drink around our children because we have to be alert and vigilant and also at least one of us sober incase we need to do a trip to a&e(disabled child has seizures).
I also don't like our children being exposed to drunk people. I don't mind a couple of drinks but it's in excess with them. I have to admit, I grew up with an alcoholic father and have bad memories as a child seeing my dad drunk and it was so scary so that is probably why I dislike alcohol around my kids.
But they make us feel like we are in the wrong and like we are freaks if we don't drink. We do drink when we get the very rare night off but for reasons I've said we don't usually drink around the kids.
It's all the time. If we invite them round for lunch they'll bring a pack of beers and drink them all. At the kids birthday parties they will turn up with a bottle of gin or jack Daniels, even if no one else is drinking. I mean it's a 1yr olds birthday party for 2 hours... Tea and cake. Why the need to drink?. Even our 8yr old's party with his school friends and other parents they wanted to drink! We had to tell them on that occasion it was strictly no alcohol which didn't go down well.(Oh one little drink won't hurt!)They don't just have a couple, they get ridiculously drunk and it's embarrassing.
NYE a few years ago MIL got so drunk she was throwing up around my children and nieces and nephews.
They never want to do anything with the children either. They will ask my husband out to the pub but never want to do things like a family walk or trip to the farm etc.
We are just getting fed up with it. We have spoken to them about their drinking because we think they have a problem which they of course denied. I don't think they are alcoholics but they definitely have a bad relationship with booze. They can't enjoy anything without it. They don't understand what our issue is. They think it's normal to drink as much as they do.
Are we just miserable farts or would this annoy you too?.

OP posts:

EggnogNoggin · 07/06/2025 23:07

They are alcoholics.

What about their behaviour makes you think that they aren't?

dayslikethese1 · 07/06/2025 23:10

Wow bringing a bottle of Jack Daniels to a 5 yr old birthday sounds fairly alcoholic to me. If they refuse to see this, I'm not sure what you do really besides just not have them around your kids too much.

Original poster

DaisiesAndDonuts · 07/06/2025 23:13

@EggnogNoggin because they don't drink all the time. They both still work full time and don't drink during the week. It's just if they have to socialise or do something with family.

OP posts:

healthybychristmas · 07/06/2025 23:17

That sounds really awful. They are totally inappropriate particularly as your little one has seizures. At least they are not offering to look after them! It's going to backfire on them at some point as they will suffer drinking related problems but as they don't accept they have a problem there's absolutely nothing you can do except avoid them. It's a shame for you and your family but they are not different because young grandparents would be great to have.

SnugNightsss · 07/06/2025 23:27

An alcoholic is someone with an impaired ability to control their alcohol consumption. Drinking at a children’s party and throwing up in front of your grandchildren definitely qualifies as an impaired ability to control their consumption. I would not have alcoholics around my children.

Wishitwasstraightforward · 07/06/2025 23:30

This sounds really difficult OP. From what you describe they are drinking excessively in situations where it isn't appropriate.

I think I can understand why you are questioning your own thoughts about the situation. You mention you grew up around an alcoholic father. My mum drank to excess regularly when I was a child and I was exposed to some really unpleasant things as a result. This has left me with an over sensitivity around drunk people, even those who pose no risk and are just having a bit of fun like many do. I have to remember that in general my fear around them is due to my own hangups rather than any fault of the people who are drinking.

I wonder if you, like me, know you might be over sensitive around people who have drunk too much and this is making you doubt your instincts.

I honestly feel that in this case your instincts are spot on.

You are unlikely to be able to help your in-laws to see your POV. That is on them not you- whatever you say and however you say it it will fall on deaf ears unless they are ready to hear it. All you can do is put some boundaries in place to protect you and your DC.

MyLimeGuide · 07/06/2025 23:34

They are alcoholics. Be kind and try and help them.

fuzzwuss · 07/06/2025 23:35

They absolutely are alcoholics.

HeyWiggle · 07/06/2025 23:45

It’s very telling that they can’t do a child’s tea party without booze.

SnugNightsss · 07/06/2025 23:48

MyLimeGuide · 07/06/2025 23:34

They are alcoholics. Be kind and try and help them.

Help them how? When they’re denying they even have a problem! People have to want to stop an addiction. OP has 3 children to look after. It’s not down to her to help her alcoholic in-laws.

Endofyear · 07/06/2025 23:51

DaisiesAndDonuts · 07/06/2025 23:13

@EggnogNoggin because they don't drink all the time. They both still work full time and don't drink during the week. It's just if they have to socialise or do something with family.

That's called being a functional alcoholic. My sister's husband was like this for many years....until he wasn't. It caught up with him and he died a very unpleasant alcohol related death.

I would just limit the time you spend with them and make it clear that they are not to drink around your children. If that means they don't come to your house or you don't take your children to theirs, so be it. It doesn't sound like they have much interest in being hands on grandparents anyway.

Kelticgold · 08/06/2025 00:02

Good lord, if they are not alcoholics, what does being an alcoholic mean?

In your situation, and even without children, I would not feel very comfortable around them. It is sad, but you can not do much about it if they don’t think there is a problem.

MyLimeGuide · 08/06/2025 07:07

SnugNightsss · 07/06/2025 23:48

Help them how? When they’re denying they even have a problem! People have to want to stop an addiction. OP has 3 children to look after. It’s not down to her to help her alcoholic in-laws.

Show quote history

Everyone on this thread is making out they are bad for being alcoholics, like they have committed some sort of crime. It's a disease, they probably hate it. im just saying they need help not punishment by isolating them from family.

Renabrook · 08/06/2025 07:17

Well you knew whis when you had 3 children so why do you expect them to be different to who they are, you made your choices and they are making theirs

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 08/06/2025 07:27

MyLimeGuide · 08/06/2025 07:07

Show quote history

Why do you see protecting children from drunks as punishment? If I withdraw my child from a school with out-of-control bullying, am I punishing the bullies?

If the in-laws are unhappy with their drinking then it is not only their responsibility to do something about it, they're the only people who can.

Nothing the OP has written indicates in the slightest that they've got any intention of doing something about their alcohol problems. The OPs children are not emotional support animals for a pair of piss artists.

idontknowwhattodo1990 · 08/06/2025 07:46

DaisiesAndDonuts · 07/06/2025 23:13

@EggnogNoggin because they don't drink all the time. They both still work full time and don't drink during the week. It's just if they have to socialise or do something with family.

Almost 100% this won't be true in spite of what they say. And if they really do just cane it on weekends and have nothing during the week then they're binge drinkers, which is its own kind of problem.

Alcoholic is a bit meaningless anyway, there is just a spectrum of dependability and abuse of the substance.

MyLimeGuide · 08/06/2025 09:21

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 08/06/2025 07:27

Why do you see protecting children from drunks as punishment? If I withdraw my child from a school with out-of-control bullying, am I punishing the bullies?

If the in-laws are unhappy with their drinking then it is not only their responsibility to do something about it, they're the only people who can.

Show quote history

Yes, but surely the Dad, the booze hounds son is a bit concerned and would want to help them rather than just ban them from seeing their grandchildren? It's just my thoughts, I may be wrong.

TanyaMcQuoidHunt · 08/06/2025 09:23

They do sound like they have a drink problem tbh. I'm not one of those mnetters who screams "alcoholic" if someone drinks a glass of wine three times a week or whatever, but getting noticeably drunk at a 1yo's bday party is clearly a problem and the fact they do it at every occasion too

Anyway yanbu, but I'm not sure what you can do about it

SarfLondonLad · 08/06/2025 09:27

If they only drink at weekends and not during the working week, that hardly qualifies them as "alcoholics" in my view, but MN tends to use the term for anyone who takes more than 2 alcoholic drinks a week.

Macklemup · 08/06/2025 09:28

Alcoholics that you need to keep the hell away from your children.

Cherrysoup · 08/06/2025 09:28

They would not be invited to my dc’s parties if they brought drinks. Could your dh tell them this to prevent further issues? Their behaviour is really shitty.

jeaux90 · 08/06/2025 09:28

OFGS they like a few drinks at the weekend as they work all week and don’t drink, so what. Drinking to excess where MIL was throwing up etc is way off though as is pitching up to a kids birthday party with a bottle of spirits.

I would be clear about boundaries OP, if you are having a birthday for a DC say it’s no alcohol.

Otherwise it’s their life, they get to do what they want as long as it doesn’t impact you or your DC

amooseymoomum · 08/06/2025 09:38

Do not invite them to things and make it clear why they are not being invited.

InSpainTheRain · 08/06/2025 09:53

I would decrease contact and not tell them about events like children's parties. Being that drunk frequently, throwing up through alcohol consumption and bringing alcohol to a child's birthday party would be massive red flags and make me angry. You can't help them because they don't see the problem so just withdraw from the problem yourself. If you do meet I'd suggest a walk and coffee shop afterwards to limit the opportunity for alcohol.

Away2000 · 08/06/2025 09:55

How do you know they don’t drink during the week? If it’s just because they tell you they don’t I wouldn’t believe them. Tell them their drinking is unacceptable at kids events and they wouldn’t be invited if that’s how they’re gonna act. Who wants to see their grandparents so drunk they are vomiting? It’s just really inappropriate. It’s not boring to want to stay sober enough to parent your children.

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