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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner standing by whilst friends made sexual comments about an ex

34 replies

HattieH9 · 07/06/2025 19:40

If your partner had friends at yours drinking, would you expect them to challenge any extremely inappropriate comments their friends make, if you were present at the time?

DP had some of his friends over last night. My kitchen is open plan, I was in there at the same time as them for about 15 minutes when I got home from seeing my friend and was sorting some things out for the gym this morning.

They were discussing former partners, nothing much of note until one of them named an ex they were with after Uni (so about a decade ago). A comment was made that she was really attractive, to which the reply was that she has had kids since so probably won’t be the same. The friend who was with her then said that wouldn’t be a problem as she was ‘partial to taking it up the arse’.

Now, for me, that’s a line crossed and I’m upset my DP stood by listening and didn’t tell them to tone it down. Unacceptable in my company or others, as far as I’m concerned.

DP said today that it wasn’t intended for my ears and that he believes in free speech so it wasn’t his place to censor the conversation.

AIBU to feel pissed off with him?

OP posts:
TipsyRaven247 · 07/06/2025 19:57

Don't be ridiculous.It's just a stupid tasteless joke.

missmollygreen · 07/06/2025 20:00

Why didnt you tell him to tone it down, OP?

FWIW I dont think you should be policing other peoples conversations, this is not North Korea.

Im sure you and your friends never ever say anything cheeky or rude about ex's...

BreakingBroken · 07/06/2025 20:07

a simple "hey guys i'm in the kitchen and can hear you!" should have sufficed.
not much different than women getting together and discussing their partners.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/06/2025 20:13

I would have said something or ignored. I wouldn't expect DH to scold his pal, nor would I scold a friend of mine who said something rude.

Summertimealready · 07/06/2025 20:31

Well I wonder how your partner talks about you when you aren't around if that's the level of conversation he and his friends have. No doubt if he wasn't aware you might over hear he would have been joining in with the lewdness.

I don't think the problem is so much you over hearing them it's the realisation how that that's the way they talk about women in general and women they are in or have been in relationships with.

It would make me see my partner and his friends in a new light.

Original poster
HattieH9 · 07/06/2025 21:22

missmollygreen · 07/06/2025 20:00

Why didnt you tell him to tone it down, OP?

FWIW I dont think you should be policing other peoples conversations, this is not North Korea.

Im sure you and your friends never ever say anything cheeky or rude about ex's...

Edited

I don’t think we’d ever make light of child birth changing a woman’s body and suggesting that’s fine because they enjoy anal sex instead.

OP posts:
Theresabookinme · 07/06/2025 21:30

Well they can say what they want, but I’d be judging them and your DP on their disgusting misogynistic conversation.

they are talking about a woman’s attractiveness based on whether she has given birth.

They have basically reduced a person who had a relationship with their friend to a couple of holes. It’s disgusting.

these men probably spent time with this woman. Nothing about her personality, nothing about whether she was someone they enjoyed spending time with.

her only crime was being very attractive. They can’t even just say ‘what a stunner. Hope she’s well’, they have to humiliate and embarrass her

Init4thecatz · 07/06/2025 21:49

As a percentage, are you more upset that

-It was said at all,
-It was said around you,
-It wasn't scolded by your DH?

DontTouchRoach · 07/06/2025 21:55

HattieH9 · 07/06/2025 21:22

I don’t think we’d ever make light of child birth changing a woman’s body and suggesting that’s fine because they enjoy anal sex instead.

Show quote history

It was just a joke about someone they haven’t even seen for a decade. It’s a crude joke but jeez, it’s hardly the end of the world. I’ve absolutely had conversations with old friends where we’ve said extremely rude things about ex boyfriends.

JMSA · 07/06/2025 21:57

It’s horrible. YANBU.

TopThreeFTW · 07/06/2025 22:20

BreakingBroken · 07/06/2025 20:07

a simple "hey guys i'm in the kitchen and can hear you!" should have sufficed.
not much different than women getting together and discussing their partners.

Yes, this is how I'd have responded too. I've play the faux-outrage card a fair few times, it's pretty much the safest card to play to get what you want.

QurikySparrowHatrack · 07/06/2025 22:25

I could have gone either way, but the "free speech" comment does make me inclined to think your DP is a thicko, and a spineless one at that.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 07/06/2025 22:25

There seems to be a lot of these threads lately where women won't use their own voices, but expect their men to do it for them.

If you want them told, get them told!

It's not the 1950s anymore.

rhrni · 07/06/2025 22:27

I think you’re being OTT (sorry).
It’s just ladish banter. Your husband probably laughs his head off at this stuff when you’re not around.

Ace56 · 07/06/2025 22:40

Theresabookinme · 07/06/2025 21:30

Well they can say what they want, but I’d be judging them and your DP on their disgusting misogynistic conversation.

they are talking about a woman’s attractiveness based on whether she has given birth.

They have basically reduced a person who had a relationship with their friend to a couple of holes. It’s disgusting.

these men probably spent time with this woman. Nothing about her personality, nothing about whether she was someone they enjoyed spending time with.

her only crime was being very attractive. They can’t even just say ‘what a stunner. Hope she’s well’, they have to humiliate and embarrass her

Exactly this. It’s gross, and I’d be heavily judging both my DP and his friends for these remarks.

Redpeach · 07/06/2025 22:44

Thats horrible, Blokes can be vile, yanbu

chatgptsbestmate · 07/06/2025 22:46

QurikySparrowHatrack · 07/06/2025 22:25

I could have gone either way, but the "free speech" comment does make me inclined to think your DP is a thicko, and a spineless one at that.

This was exactly my thought. ^
Also - why didn't YOU speak up, OP?

healthybychristmas · 08/06/2025 01:06

Fucking hell they just want to reduce women to body parts don't they?

Summertimealready · 08/06/2025 06:34

rhrni · 07/06/2025 22:27

I think you’re being OTT (sorry).
It’s just ladish banter. Your husband probably laughs his head off at this stuff when you’re not around.

"Laddish banter"?

They aren't " lads" : they are men. Or supposed to be men.

It's an absolutely disgusting way to talk about women.

And you are right that OP's H will join in with the rest of them when OP isn't around because otherwise this conversation wouldn't have happened in his presence at all.

I really don't understand why you think women should put up with men talking about women in this misogynistic way. The contempt they feel for women in the language they use about us is really chilling.

noworklifebalance · 08/06/2025 07:16

Summertimealready · 07/06/2025 20:31

Well I wonder how your partner talks about you when you aren't around if that's the level of conversation he and his friends have. No doubt if he wasn't aware you might over hear he would have been joining in with the lewdness.

I don't think the problem is so much you over hearing them it's the realisation how that that's the way they talk about women in general and women they are in or have been in relationships with.

It would make me see my partner and his friends in a new light.

Edited

This.

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 08/06/2025 08:21

Hmm, I wonder how hubby would respond if your female friend said, "He's got a Dad bod now, but his cock will still be huge and he fucks like a Tiger!"
We are judged on the company we keep, rightly or wrongly.

Renabrook · 08/06/2025 08:25

Well you have a voice so use ir, why is it up to other people to police what you demand?

sweetpickle2 · 08/06/2025 08:43

You should have told them to shut up yourself, but I agree it’s gross and I would definitely be judging them and my partner for that kind of conversation.

”Laddish banter” indeed. Is the bar in hell?

MoominMai · 08/06/2025 08:44

BreakingBroken · 07/06/2025 20:07

a simple "hey guys i'm in the kitchen and can hear you!" should have sufficed.
not much different than women getting together and discussing their partners.

Yeah this is actually much better.

I appreciate that sometimes when young men get together sometimes the dynamics are such that there’s a lot of this gross bravado going on. It would be hard for DP to do anything as otherwise he’d be doing it all the time and no doubt would have no friends left! I agree also it’s not uncommon for women to objectify men either (albeit to a lesser extent I believe).

Hufflemuff · 08/06/2025 08:46

Don't you occasionally have a joke with your mates about Penis size or the like??? I don't think you need to clutch your pearls quite so tightly OP.