I can’t stand my MIL

[e8ily]

some advice please. I have a 6 month old,he is the most precious thing to me in my life so I want to protect him from everything, my partners mother assaulted me a couple of months ago, she pulled my hair and shouted at me in front of my baby and said all sorts of nasty stuff to me and behind my back in the last year, I understand it was out of anger, but she is very up and down, I feel like I’ve seen her true colours and I just cannot stand her anymore which makes my relationship with my partner very difficult. He wants our baby to spend the night there sometimes or for her to spend time with him and look after him every now and then but the thought of that makes me feel sick. I don’t want my baby anywhere near her but my partner does, I don’t want to keep baby from his family just because we don’t get along. She wants to get along with me and go back to “normal” but I can’t look past the way she treated me, I’m usually a really forgiving person but I cannot stand her anymore. Me and my partner want to have a night to ourselves to go and watch a show, I’ve said to my partner I don’t feel comfortable with her looking after him by herself and he said “well she’s his gran he will be staying there sometimes” and she’s the only babysitter we’ve got, she’s a great gran to him but i can’t look past the fact I don’t feel comfortable, am I being unreasonable? I feel stuck In the middle do I let her babysit so we can spend some quality time together or do I go with my gut and not have that time and keep him with me.

If you had phoned the police then that would have reduced the likelihood of her getting unsupervised access to your baby in event of split.

If it happens again make sure you report it and keep a note of any threatening comments too.

Your problem is your DP. He needs to grow up and stop being a mummy's boy at every argument. Explain to him how toxic it is for a grandmother to threaten to move in and take a child away from it's mother. That would never have been in the best interest of his son but he's refusing to see that. Ask him why

@e8ily is there always alcohol involved OP? who the hell take a baby into a put? neither your dp nor your mil appear sensible enough to be left caring for a baby. Not sure if it is partner or husband. if want to stay with him then you need to just say that you dont want to go out so you are not put in the position of choosing a babysitter. you do have the option of your parents though, who seem to live pretty close to you. does you partner work, does she try to come when he is at work? If she does, then I wouldnt let her in just in case she kicks off.

Keep your child away from her. She’s violent. I grew up with a very violent mother, lucky I wasn’t hospitalised, and am now no contact with both parents. My dad brushed it all under the carpet as we played being a nice middle class family and he tried to normalise her behaviour to us. Took me a long time to see it wasn’t ’just mum’ so your partner may be in the denial stage where he doesn’t see how bad it is. My mum was also capable of pretending to be very normal and nice to others.

Although I now have my own very happy and loving family, my childhood where I lived in constant fear, always treading on eggshells in case it triggered a violent outburst, is something I carry with me everyday and I’ve spent years trying to recover. Don’t put your child in that situation, simply put, some people shouldn’t be around children.

I’m worried when I tell my partner I don’t want my baby around her, he will just take him to see her anyway against my wishes. I’m a people pleaser, but this is something I can’t please. He’s my baby. I feel like me and my baby should be his priority, but it doesn’t feel like that at all at the moment. I love my partner, but he isn’t understanding where I’m coming from. I understand she’s his gran, but does that mean she has rights to my baby?

Did your partner have an abusive childhood? Is that why he thinks it’s ok to allow his mum to look after the baby because he thinks abuse is normal? You being a people pleaser means you are less likely to say no and stick to your guns, abusive people love people pleasers. They walk all over you deliberately, stepping all over your boundaries. They don’t care what you think or how you feel, they won’t accept you have any right to disagree and their word is law … just like your BF, he doesn’t agree with you about his mum so is coercing you to give his mum the baby. He is belittling your concerns as utter nonsense and will ensure his baby will be at risk.

Tell him you’re going to talk to your family and friends (and actually do) about what’s happened and whether it’s appropriate she have contact with your baby. Say this is because you have very differing views and it will be helpful to know what others who aren’t emotionally invested think. If he’s dead against it it’s because he knows he’s in the wrong and you’ll be told by people to keep away. In that instance I’d be confident he will never get the risk his mum poses. If he supports your plan though then that’s an indicator he’s got a skewed understanding of the situation and would benefit from help to see things clearly.

If someone can dislike you enough to attack you, (& want to bring the child up herself?!) , then what will she be telling your child as they grow up?!
No way I’d want her around my child.

I can’t believe your DH is totally fine with her behaviour, and he must be fine else he’d have stepped up at the time and afterwards to show his support for you.
And he hasn’t 🤷🏼‍♀️
As is often said in here, you have a DH problem not just a MIL problem.

I think my only compromise would be if he insists on her seeing your child, it would be only when you’re there, and at a cafe so you can walk away. I wouldn’t have her in my home. But this would only be AFTER he speaks to him Mum about her unacceptable behaviour, AFTER she apologises to you. And AFTER your DH treats your concerns as valid, which they very much are.
A last resort could be to tell your DH you will report the attack by your MIL - but of course there is no way back from that so it depends what you want.

You have a DH problem!!!! He ASKED her to stop pulling your hair??? That is not what should have happened. He should have forced her to let go and chuck her out the house!! You need to set your bar higher, you need to protect your child and you TELL him he needs to do better in future!

You have a huge DP problem. How dependent are you on him financially? I would be looking at moving as far away from MIL as I reasonably could. Do you have any support elsewhere?

Protect your child.

Your DP seems to be a pretty useless father who doesn't put the best interests of his child or his partner above those of his mother. He's absolutely not a good partner. You could do much better.

Your partner is the problem, he will always choose his mum over you and expect you to put up with her abuse.Their relationship is too close, he’s been brought up to be her best friend, her emotional support and its emotional incest. He treats his mum as if she is his partner, only has loyalty to her and you will always be treated like the bit on the side. That’s why he runs to her when there is any problems between you both, they protect each other and why she tried to take your baby off you when you went to leave him.
You need to report any physical violence to the police, take pictures of any scratches or injuries and tell your doctor, it’s proof you may need in the future. She will try to take your baby from you and will want to bring baby up as her own and your bf will stand by her.
You need to secretly ask your parents if you can go to live with them with your baby, tell them what’s going on. Start gathering both of your birth certificates, passport and any important paperwork, act normal and once he goes out to work, pack and leave. If you give any indication to him your leaving, he will call his mum and she will try to wrestle the baby off you. You need to act normal and leave asap!