I can’t stand my MIL

[e8ily]

some advice please. I have a 6 month old,he is the most precious thing to me in my life so I want to protect him from everything, my partners mother assaulted me a couple of months ago, she pulled my hair and shouted at me in front of my baby and said all sorts of nasty stuff to me and behind my back in the last year, I understand it was out of anger, but she is very up and down, I feel like I’ve seen her true colours and I just cannot stand her anymore which makes my relationship with my partner very difficult. He wants our baby to spend the night there sometimes or for her to spend time with him and look after him every now and then but the thought of that makes me feel sick. I don’t want my baby anywhere near her but my partner does, I don’t want to keep baby from his family just because we don’t get along. She wants to get along with me and go back to “normal” but I can’t look past the way she treated me, I’m usually a really forgiving person but I cannot stand her anymore. Me and my partner want to have a night to ourselves to go and watch a show, I’ve said to my partner I don’t feel comfortable with her looking after him by herself and he said “well she’s his gran he will be staying there sometimes” and she’s the only babysitter we’ve got, she’s a great gran to him but i can’t look past the fact I don’t feel comfortable, am I being unreasonable? I feel stuck In the middle do I let her babysit so we can spend some quality time together or do I go with my gut and not have that time and keep him with me.

Sorry, no. She's violent. He doesn't get to decide. Put your foot down and if supergran doesn't like it, let her take you to court.

Not engaging with you Devianinc. You need to speak to your GP.

Reported for troll behaviour.

Sorry that you’re in this situation, it sounds awful. However, I would say if you are confident that she is a great grandma I would use this to your benefit and let her spend time with the child on your terms to suit you.

reading between the lines I’m assuming there was a formal apology and hopefully your husband also stood up for you. Although, I think your husband is the main concern here. He seems very blunt and non- chalant about the situation. He should be furious that this happened and supporting you in making a decision on what to do.

however, if you do think your MIL behaviour is up and down and there’s a chance this could happen again I would distance and let her know that if she does anything like that to you again, she can say goodbye to unsupervised time with her grandchild.

I would have also called the police if anyone assaulted me.

Even if the police did nothing it would let the woman and your husband know that you won’t just sit back and do nothing when physically hurt.

I also can’t understand why your husband isn’t on your side and supporting you?

It’s not just hurty words thrown at each other but she actually physically assaulted you. There’s no going back from that.

problem you have is that if you split, him and his mum have access to the child.

Personally I acojlsnt stay with a man who dismisses my being physically assaulted.

You’re not unreasonable to want to protect your baby. If she couldn’t control herself when it came to the attack on you, how can you be confident there won’t be other situations where she loses control herself, or that she wouldn’t lose control around the baby? Have you pointed that out to your partner? Does he not recognise she poses a risk? I’m assuming not if he’s making ridiculous comments about her being the only person you have to babysit. Would he be saying he’s the only person we have to baby sit about a sex offender and then leaving the baby with them? Presumably not, in which case he must just be delusional because it’s his mother. Or perhaps he’s so used to her behaviour he’s normalised and minimised it?

TBH - When I saw the heading - I can't stand my MIL - I thought it would be the usual petty - she turns up unannounced, she thinks my kitchen is dirty BS - not the fact she actually assaults you and abuses you in front of your child - it should be MY MIL IS ABUSIVE AND HORRIBLE! - and where is 'DH" in all of this?

If this was MIL there'd be no - she's great to my child - it would be completely NC. Bloody woman

he was there when she pulled my hair and he did ask her to stop, I haven’t had an apology off of her, shes a stubborn woman and won’t apologise even if she is in the wrong, me and my partner had a falling out so she came over to the house (it’s almost like she’s part of the relationship, she’s always involved) and every bicker me and my partner have; she is the first one he phones. I spent the night with my parents after this and I was obviously taking my baby with me! while I was leaving the house is when pulled my hair and asked my partner to take my baby away from me as it turns out she wanted to move into our home and to bring him up herself. fucking ludicrous. I cannot look past that, the whole thing is sick, he’s my baby! She is mentally unwell, I’ve cried to my partner about this recently, many times actually, it keeps me up at night the thought of the day coming where I have to see her again, imagining her holding my baby, it makes me feel sick, but he thinks she was protecting him as she thought I was taking baby away for good, which I know he didn’t think that, he doesn’t understand that this has effected me quite badly mentally, I’ve never felt hatred towards someone like this before. He said he has a say in who sees our baby and she will always be a part of his life, I don’t want her touching, cuddling, kissing my little baby when she was so vile to me.

Just WOW - I don't I've ever read such bat-shittery...

Obviously the dynamic is completely wrong with your DH calling her everytime theres an 'issue between you both.

Your DH is as much a problem as she is. You've explained and cried in front of him and if he's not taken it on board then Im sorry but I've never written this before on here - but surely life would be easier without them both in your lives.

he was there when she pulled my hair and he did ask her to stop, I haven’t had an apology off of her, shes a stubborn woman and won’t apologise even if she is in the wrong, me and my partner had a falling out so she came over to the house (it’s almost like she’s part of the relationship, she’s always involved) and every bicker me and my partner have; she is the first one he phones. I spent the night with my parents after this and I was obviously taking my baby with me! while I was leaving the house is when pulled my hair and asked my partner to take my baby away from me as it turns out she wanted to move into our home and to bring him up herself. fucking ludicrous. I cannot look past that, the whole thing is sick, he’s my baby! She is mentally unwell, I’ve cried to my partner about this recently, many times actually, it keeps me up at night the thought of the day coming where I have to see her again, imagining her holding my baby, it makes me feel sick, but he thinks she was protecting him as she thought I was taking baby away for good, which I know he didn’t think that, he doesn’t understand that this has effected me quite badly mentally, I’ve never felt hatred towards someone like this before. He said he has a say in who sees our baby and she will always be a part of his life, I don’t want her touching, cuddling, kissing my little baby when she was so vile to me.

he was there and he asked her to stop, but he’s been meeting up with her at the pub and I found out he took our baby there without telling me, he’s his dad he’s got his say but I feel so uncomfortable with her being close with my baby when I absolutely cannot stand her.Shes always going to be a part of his life and I hate that

You are focusing on your MIL when the real issue is your DH and his inability to see that his mother has acted reprehensibly towards you and that it is unreasonable of him to expect you to brush it under the carpet. However, if you split he will have his child at certain times and I don't doubt your MIL will be present some if not all of the time.

You seem to be playing down her violence and abusive behaviour towards you. The fact that she was angry isn't a good reason to assult her daughter in law in front of her grandchild. It's a pity you didn't report her to the police at the time.

Your partner is also a problem as he appears to think that this is absolutely normal and not a good reason to keep his child away from his mum.

You're in a threesome OP. I imagine he's always been deeply enmeshed with his mother and will continue to do so. They sound very dysfunctional.

Oh no OP, you're under no obligation. Get rid if you can.

I sympathise. My MIL has also been getting involved in arguments between me and DH since we had DD 8mo. Last time, she showed up at our house shouting and accusing me of having an affair! (Ofc, why else could I have a problem.with her perfect son?!)

I told her to leave and never come back. It's shit because we have no other support locally and I've just gone back to work, but you don't need toxic BS behaviour around your baby.

Leave and move far away

This. Your partner is as bad as she is: he witnessed her assault and yet wants her to care for your baby overnight. I would be getting together everything you need and doing a flit in the night.

If you let your child stay with a woman who assaulted you, you are mad.
this woman is a violent nut. How is this even on the cards.
if social services get wind of this, you will have a referral made . Unbelievable. You definitely have a DH problem.

If you want to remain in the relationship then both your partner and her need to earn back your trust. I’d expect acknowledgement from both of them that what she did was completely wrong, and an explanation as to why they think it’s not ok for the baby to witness behaviour like that. I’d then expect a sincere apology from her. Finally, I’d want for her to only see the baby with you present, or with your partner but only if he asks and you give permission. Whenever you saw mil I’d expect for her to be incredibly respectful during these visits, listening to you and asking permission to help with the baby. Once you had all the above perhaps you could rebuild a relationship with her some to extent. Sadly from
what you’ve said I’m not confident that either of them have the capacity to do all the above.

Darling, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your partner is a complete arsehole. His mum is number one in his life and even after she has assaulted you he is prepared to meet up in secret with her behind your back. Colluding against you.

It is unbelievable that he wants you to leave your baby with her and actually I wouldn't be wanting to go on any nights out with him.

Please tell someone in real life what is going on and consider if you are able to leave.

She’s not a great nan to him if she assaulted his mother. I would never ever leave my child with her (I can say that with confidence as I don’t leave my kids with FIL). DH needs to get on your side too and stand up for you and his child - MIL attacked you, presumably postpartum if this was a couple of months ago! He should be disgusted.
You can’t break up either because then MIL will have free access to the baby all the time it seems.

(ETA - I agree with other posters saying do leave, find out about access though, I assume he would need to see his child but I don’t know about that side of things.)

My child wouldn't be having a relationship with someone who attacked me or anyone else. It doesn't matter if she's his gran, she's shown herself to be violent.

Please tell me you reported her to the police when she attacked you?

Your MIL is abusive, you can’t physically assault someone and demand that it’s swept under the rug. You feel unsafe in her company and your baby’s safety comes first, your DP is a terrible boyfriend and father. He doesn’t care about your feelings or protecting you or his baby, he only cares about himself. He doesn’t care if his mum looks after the baby and gets injured or killed, he just wants a night out having fun.
You have to ensure baby’s safety and if that means pissing everyone off because they are toxic (that includes bf) then so be it, even it it means the end of your relationship because frankly my dear, he doesn’t give a damn.

Both your husband and his mum are the problem.

Your husband is putting his mum in the relationship. He's calling her to bitch about you. He's involving her when you have an argument. He's impacting her view of you telling her all the negative stuff. I bet.he never says anything nice about you.

Your MIL doesn't have any business pulling your hair or assaulting you. She shouldn't be in your business but she wouldn't be if your H wasn't involving her.

I think you need some healthy boundaries in your relationship. I think you need to tell H to stop calling his mummy and involving her in your arguments. If he doesnt then I think you need to end the relationship. However, if you do that she/mil will have access to your child while you are not there because you can't control what H does during his contact time.

YANBU. I wouldn't be able to see my partner in the same light if his Mum assaulted me and he expected me to just sweep it under the rug; it would be the end of the relationship for me. You need to be wary of both your partner and his Mum if he's so blasé about violence (even if he's yet to put his hands on you), it's not healthy to normalise this behaviour.