My child told about half sisters

[Erin444]

I asked my co parent to discuss with me when we wld tell our 5 yr old she has half sisters frim him.
He agreed yet has told her knowing they dont want to meet her. He dident bother to tell me hed told her.
I feel really angry .
When I got angry he then revealed his daughters who are back in touch have an armed robber for a step dad. Ita all been handled really disrespectfully by her dad. He has never had any respect for me but does love the daughter we share .
He sees her x2 mth she lives with me full time. Even if I ignore his disrespect to me im not sure shes safe there anymore.
He has alot of guilt as he wasent around for his children when they needed him. He keeps saying to me have you any idea what those girls have been through.

Im responsible for my biological daughters safety he dosdnt seem to get it or the line hes crossed telling her something that can impact her
emotionally.

Im now getting all thd questions about why they dont like her & can shd have a playdate.

Hes sneaking around & lieing to see his daughters as it wld upset the mum & the armed robber stepdad who hates him.

I dont want her to see him at the moment . Im walking her to school & she blurts out I have x2 sisters.

Shes wanted siblings but I never told her as it wld have been disrespectful to her dad & all the girls . So angry plsd advise.

Well she knows now doesn’t she so there’s not really much you can do.

My son has a sibling he doesn’t see because his dad is a dickhead and hardly sees him. You just have to get on with it.

Keeping secrets from children is never a good idea.

How us she suddenly not safe with him?

Shes wanted siblings but I never told her as it wld have been disrespectful to her dad & all the girls

I don't understand this. How would it be disrespectful to her or the other children to tell your daughter they exist? I think you made a mistake by keeping this secret in the first place. Any drama you cause now will nake things worse. Don't tell your daughter they dont like her. Tell her that they dont know her yet and ease into her meeting them.

Why is she no longer safe with her dad? How old are your DD half siblings?

If stepdad finds out then he could come after ex and if dd is there, she could end up witnessing a violent altercation. Does he plan to go for contact? That’s another potential flare up point too. Are the half sisters close to leaving home because they are going to uni/turning 18 etc?

She should have been told about her sisters from day one rather than it being a big secret to be revealed later.

There's no real reason why your daughter couldn't have known about her half-siblings from the off. It's never a good idea to hide these type of situations. She now knows, that can't be changed. You now need to keep things simple with answering her questions.

He revealved to me the step dad hates him he sent me some information about the stepdad with the heading knife weilding maniac holds up post office for drugs. Worried he might turn up at the flat
his step daughter is secretly visiting her dad where my 5yr old stays every other wk end.

Theyve recently come back into his life after being estranged for years.

Thats my cocern that the step dad is violent & my daughter cld be there . I dont feel safe handing her over now. Its unlikely however as a mum I feel its my job to protect her.

Theyve just come back into the dads life after long estrangement .
I ll handle it the kindest way for her.

The daughters dont want to meet my daughter.

What a fucking idiot he is. He keeps saying to me have you any idea what those girls have been through I’d be inclined to respond with ‘No. Do you have any idea what our DD is going through, knowing she has half siblings who don’t want to know her and thinking it’s because she’s done something wrong? And how easily both situations could have been avoided if only you’d engaged your brain before acting’.

Im responsible for my biological daughter’s safety he dosdnt seem to get it Have you asked him what his plan is for securing your DD’s safety if this bloke comes looking for him? Because ‘It’ll be fine’ or ‘I’ll give him a good hiding’ clearly isn’t a good enough answer. What he’ll do if he catches him coming in with your DD? Is there any potential for him to see her at your house for a while? Or, rather than see her all in one block at his house, pick her up and take her to school each day, or take her to the park for an hour after school? Somewhere away from his house. If he can’t do that, then what about swimming or a cheap activity he can do with her, where you can drop her off and pick her up, but he still gets to see her.

Im now getting all thd questions about why they dont like her & can shd have a playdate I think you should tell her that they couldn’t possibly dislike her because a) she’s a lovely girl and b) they’ve never met her, so it would be impossible for them to feel that way about her. Tell her that they’re big girls, so they don’t do play dates any more. And that they fell out with her daddy and didn’t see him for a long time, so you expect they’ll want to meet her one day, but for now, they need to get to know her daddy again and get comfortable with seeing him while she’s at home with you.

You are just looking for excuses to punish him for telling her she has sisters, something that shouldn't have been a 'secret' in the first place. Kids take their queues from how we react and behave and it needn't have been an issue at all. You'll get plenty of support here, which I'm sure you knew, and you were always going to do what YOU wanted to do, so carry on 🙄

If people want to blend families then this is what happens things get complicated but when is keeping secrets ever healthy for anyone except the adult who wants control, how does it ever help the poor children in the middle of adults choices?

That's what happens when you have a baby with a man who has already forgotten his first two kids.

I think everyone who is suggesting that there should never be secrets are incorrect. There are all manor of secrets - tiny white ones to big fat black ones - and there are always reasons for them all - whether valid or not.
Some obviously don't really matter in the grand scheme of things - others are MASSIVE. Friends of ours got together as a couple and she already had a daughter at about 6yo. They ended up living together in the same village as her parents and all got alone for 20+ years and then suddenly her elder daughter at 27yo came out of the woodwork - the whole family had had to keep this a secret from everyone as the lady at 16 had this daughter who was adopted, it started off as she only had one young daughter - and she had no idea that 20years+ later she'd marry this guy and 'happy ever after'.

Thankfully everyone took it in their stride and not 'forgave' her entire family for lying/not talking about this extra daughter but everyone realised the reason and everything is 100% hunky dory - including his family but when she met her husband to be there was no reason to explain the daughter that was adopted 10years before after a youthful indrescretion in a very remote village in the sticks where it would have been very frowned upon. Once the lie starts its very difficult to come back and tell the truth.

Regarding step-brothers/sisters it can be awkward - especially if there significant age differences - and they may change their minds later on in life - as per above when she just turned up - but I would think at 5ish I would like to think there are things to do to distract the conversation until she's older and can discuss it in different ways.

Is it likely that this ex 'burglar/armed robber' will turn up and (not knowing many tbh) even if he did he wouldn't turn up all tooled up as if he was about to perform a heist.

If your dd stays at the dads place and the half sister is also meeting the dad there how come they've never met?

Well, you chose to have a child with a man who had children he didn’t bother with, so this is as much your fault.

As for the sisters, if I found out at 18 that my father I hadn’t seen for years had had a shiny new child to replace me I wouldn’t want to know her either, because it would feel like a kick in the teeth. It may seem harsh but they’ve done nothing wrong.

All you can do now is say to your dd that everyone is very busy, and in time she’ll stop talking about it. She’s 5, these things will pass.

As for whether she’s safe, well again you should have thought of that. Or did it suit you at the time that he didn’t see his kids?

This is really good advice thank you so much. I was so angry hadent considered that I cld offer her the option of still seeing him another way. Im not sure his ego will agree to that but its a solution.
Also a kind simple way to explain it to her. Huge thanks ❤️

He ll no doubt say she ll be fine blah blah blah his decisions are questionable so Im not going to trust him .

You are clutching at straws , creating drama in order to punish him.

another father/daughter relationship about to be damaged

I don’t understand how that doesn’t make her safe anymore? She has two sisters it was a secret that shouldn’t have been kept

OP, it’s not up to you where and when he sees her.

She is his daughter. You don’t have the final say on where and when that is.

If he took you to court he will get 50/50 access, so you might want to think on that before you start trying to sabotage their relationship.

No looking for a solution which ive found on here. His daughters have just come back into his life I wasent going to try & explain it to a 3 or 4 year old.