My child told about half sisters

[Erin444]

I asked my co parent to discuss with me when we wld tell our 5 yr old she has half sisters frim him.
He agreed yet has told her knowing they dont want to meet her. He dident bother to tell me hed told her.
I feel really angry .
When I got angry he then revealed his daughters who are back in touch have an armed robber for a step dad. Ita all been handled really disrespectfully by her dad. He has never had any respect for me but does love the daughter we share .
He sees her x2 mth she lives with me full time. Even if I ignore his disrespect to me im not sure shes safe there anymore.
He has alot of guilt as he wasent around for his children when they needed him. He keeps saying to me have you any idea what those girls have been through.

Im responsible for my biological daughters safety he dosdnt seem to get it or the line hes crossed telling her something that can impact her
emotionally.

Im now getting all thd questions about why they dont like her & can shd have a playdate.

Hes sneaking around & lieing to see his daughters as it wld upset the mum & the armed robber stepdad who hates him.

I dont want her to see him at the moment . Im walking her to school & she blurts out I have x2 sisters.

Shes wanted siblings but I never told her as it wld have been disrespectful to her dad & all the girls . So angry plsd advise.

They were never going to be a secret the dad had been estranged from them for 15 yrs.
I asked my childs father if we cld decide when to tell her together shes just turned five.

There are also safety concerns. Ive found a way to move forward so am turning the post of . Many thanks 🙏🕊

Because the previously estranged daughters are sneaking away to see their biological father without telling anyone. And they have a step father who is an armed robber, so presumably quite happy with using violence, and who hates their biological father. What do you think the step father will do when he discovers that biological father is back on the scene and that step daughters have been secretly seeing him? Would you happily send your DC off to spend time with their father if there was any chance of a violent man knocking on his front door to have a full and frank exchange of views with him while they were sat there watching and listening? And she wasn’t proposing that the sisters should be kept a secret. She wasn’t even saying that she shouldn’t be told until she was older. All she was asking for was a discussion on when they would tell her. That’s not an unreasonable request from a co parent. If you told a two year old that they had siblings, how would you then get them to understand where they were or why they didn’t see them? It still has to be an age appropriate conversation.

She is his daughter. You don’t have the final say on where and when that is.
If he took you to court he will get 50/50 access, so you might want to think on that before you start trying to sabotage their relationship. She is their daughter. Sabotage? Give over! She isn’t having the final say; she’s trying to work with him to find a solution where they get to have regular contact, but any risk that her daughter will be exposed to an angry armed robber intent on having a row in front of her is greatly reduced. How is that sabotage? Would you send your DC off somewhere if you didn’t think they’d be safe? And ‘If’ is the operative word here. He doesn’t seem to have a great track record when it comes to maintaining contact with his children. In fact, some of his parenting decisions sound distinctly half cocked. Almost like he’s capable of fucking up his own relationships with his children and he doesn’t need any help from the OP at all?

My daughter sees him alternate wk ends

He hadent forgotton them they dident want to see him . Hes turned his life around since then. With 10 yrs clean.

Agreed its not always as black & white as it appears .

OP, his older dds are presumably adults if they were estranged for 15 years. They can make their own decisions about seeing their father.

Tell your dd that yes she has two sisters but they are grown up ladies who probably don't do play dates any more, and that you are sure they will meet at some point in the future.

Talk to your ex about finding your dd a photo of her sisters and telling her a bit about them - names, birthdays, what they like, what they do etc - then treat it like any other piece of news, less interesting day by day.

Nice for your dd to have siblings though. They may have a closer relationship when your dd is older. Don't automatically write them off.

I can hear that youre in alot of pain & get it my dad was an absent father too its triggering the wound runs deep.
I know alot of daydreaming goes on over the years about how the reunion might be.
They definetly havent done anything wrong.

He dosent want 50/50 . I will only do that if I feel shes unsafe thats my right as her mother.
Exactly the same the other way round.

I wont do that feelings were running high & admit I felt like that in the moment . Once we both calm down we usually find a solution.

He might want 50/50 if you stop him seeing his daughter.

Either that or she'll be the one contacting him in secret when she's 15 and you'll be getting the blame for it.

I’d talk about them as ‘Daddy’s other children who are all grown up now. One day, when it’s time to meet them, they will be like your aunties. They aren’t like your friends little siblings you can play with.’

Families can be complicated and the grown ups have to work out what’s best.

Make sure you prepare her thoroughly and well- you don’t want her to be vulnerable to glamorous ’older sisters’ who might mess her about or try and pick her up from school as part of an argument with their dad.

She needs to understand that family is people you know well, not people you are related to but don’t know yet.

He hadent forgotton them they dident want to see him . Hes turned his life around since then. With 10 yrs clean. ah, a drug addict who didn’t see his kids and you went ahead and had another one with him.

Quite the catch wasn’t he?

Exactly what did you expect when you had a child with a drug addict? That this would all end well?

OP if he decides to go to court you won’t have a choice.

This is the thing when you are separated. You lose control over what happens with your child when she is with him.

And if he decided he wanted 50/50 he could go to court and then he would likely win.

The fact he told your child about her siblings is in fact none of your business.

He can introduce them to her if he wants.

If they wanted to they could babysit her when she visits. I know they don’t want to know her but they could.

He can introduce her to a string of new girlfriends if he likes.

You are no longer in control of that element of her life or her father’s relationship with her.

You need to realise this, because you have a long time left to co parent.

Hes been in recovery for 10 yrs & manages a rehab .

It is v much my business if it effects my daughter wed agreed to have that discussion & decide together as shes OUR daughter.

He can choose to discuss things with you, OR he can do as he pleases without discussing anything with you! You are not the boss.

The thing is though I apreciate the different angles if I feel she is at risk somewhere & I send her its me that has to live with the consequences, and why are we always so quick to blame women in any situation .

Its called respect if we both started playing that game its a mess with her in the middle , she becomes the messenger . I raised her alone for a long time . Its my name on the birth certificate.

The voice of reason. The step dad is on drugs I never knew anything about the man the mother married & I wouldent its not my business .

My only concern is that if hes a lose cannon he might well turn up at the flat.

And instead of focusing on repairing the damage done to his existing children, he went ahead and had another baby...and you thought that was a good idea.

Hes always been trying to mend that bridge its paying off now.

Its up to us if we wanted to have a baby. I wld ask yourself why you cant let this go.

If he wanted to have another baby what has that got to do with you , really!!!????