AIBU to make assumptions about my partner's plans when he refuses to give me clarity?

[tecbrowidow]

I'm working on setting some healthy boundaries, and a I've noticed a pattern where if I ask my partner what he's planning he deflects. I'm not talking huge, I'm talking about a weekend recently when we were supposed to see his mum and I wanted to know the timings but he never provided them and this weekend when he's thinking about going away for an afternoon and a night and I wanted to know if that's happening or not. It tends to start with vague things like he'll sort it out later, then progresses to maybes or talking so quietly I can't hear, or even silence when I raise the topic, and if I really push for an answer he derails the conversation by bringing up things he's upset with me for. I know this isn't normal. I know a bunch of you are going to tell me to leave him, which I might. I think either way I need a game plan for these vague occasions. At the moment I'm going with - "Okay, I need some certainty so I can fix my plans, so I'm going to presume you're doing x. On that presumption I'll be doing y." So for example this Sunday when I don't know if he's going to be in or not I've said: "I'm going to assume you'll be out from midday, and I'm going to spend some of the afternoon with my brother and his family so I get a bit of support with childcare while you're out."

You can’t control him and anyway he may be a last minute decision maker, not a planner. If so, he’d find your questions annoying. If you don’t like it, the best approach is to ask once, then if you get no answer take control of your own plans.

Communication really shouldn't be that difficult
Sounds an exhausting way to live

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter okay, that seems sensible. What's the best way for me to phrase it for him when I tell him my plans. Is it "I'm assuming you're doing x, so I plan to do y" or is there a less combative tone I can take?

This.

I wouldn’t bother trying to mind read or make assumptions, I’d ask what the plans are and then if there aren’t any or you don’t get an answer, just make your own plans.

If two things end up lining up then great, if not, not your problem.

@Shoxfordian yes, it's exhausting

You mention childcare so I assume you have joint children? If so, I'd be very frustrated with this. Does he just assume you have no plans and will take care the kids while he swans off to do whatever he wants?

@Mrsttcno1 okay, but surely I do need to tell him what I'm planning? Do I just say "I'm doing this and you're welcome to join me"

My DP used to do this and it is infuriating!
Part of it was anxiety about planning anything, but part of it he admitted was because he didnt want me to plan anything separately without him in case he changed his mind or the plans fell through.
The deflection part also, if he knew what he was saying didnt make sense, he would just pretend we were talking about something completely different.
Now I just do what you do and make my own plans.

@Lyra87 he doesn't actually leave the house very much.

He’s playing mind games. Strikes me as he’s the one who needs to be in the control. He’s being really unhelpful on purpose. Make your own plans and do your own thing and ignore him. Wont take long for him to start singing a different tune when he doesn’t get the attention/reaction he’s clearly hoping for.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship with good communication, eg deliberately talking too quietly for you to hear or not answering all/deflecting things back at you. Obviously we’re only hearing your side, maybe he feels that you’re overly controlling/nagging and this is his (unhealthy) way of retaliating.

Aside from that it’s perfectly reasonable to point out that his plans affect your plans, so “please let me have confirmation of time/dates by X or I will assume xxxx”.

Yes because if he isn't going to communicate what else are you supposed to do?

If he has not told you his plans don’t botger to include him. You don’t need to fuss about it—he doesn’t. But if you can’t have clear communication I would want to have a theiry about why? Is it trauma, family style, antipathy to you? What?

Do you have children together, OP, or are they yours from a previous relationship?

@andHelenknowsimmiserablenow great username. How does your husband feel about you making your own plans, has it changed anything in your dynamic? Do you have kids? If so do you get a break from childcare?

@MounjaroMounjaro one daughter together, aged 3

@pikkumyy77 I think he never learnt how to truly make plans with other people. His mum is a railroader - when we visit her she does these long planning chats where she seeks a full unanimous decision, but she sulks if the decision wasn't what she had in mind. I honestly think he just expects to be railroaded into decisions so he's given up on trying to organize things with others.

Why? He doesn’t tell you what he’s planning?

How did this work when you were dating ?

My son was like this when he was a younger teen and it drove me crazy. He was obviously waiting to see if he got a better offer but he learned to say “yes” “no” or “I’ll let you know tomorrow “ which means we both got our way.

If you doesn’t leave the house much or rarely has plans, I would say “let me know if you want to join by Wednesday lunchtime” or say “I’m going with the kids, you can join if you’d like” because I wouldn’t want my kids waiting to see if bf wanted to come or not. He will only learn to ask you sooner if you’re unavailable.

@Mrsttcno1 I think it's good to model healthy communication even if the other person isn't playing ball. I'd like him to tell me what he's up to so I can plan around it. So I'll tell him what I'm to so that he can plan, and maybe he'll learn by example and at a minimum he can't accuse me of not being transparent with him.

Definitely a communication issue isn't there? I'd be telling him your plans and then leaving him to sort himself out. He is the epitome of someone who annoys me by making or in some cases not making plans in case something better comes up. It's very rude and childish to behave in that way and I know plenty of people who do choose to behave that way. Not worth your time or effort OP!

Thank you 😀
The communication has changed a lot for the better over the last few years, thank goodness, so there are less arguments.
The majority of childcare has always fell on me, if I made plans, they would nearly always be with DC, but youngest DS is older now, so things are easier.

@Snorlaxo He was a bit better when we were dating, I remember him taking me out to fun things. I think because I had an active social life back then often I'd ask him if he wanted to come to whichever party with me, and I guess he was better at giving a clear yes or no. Over time I think we ended up being a Netflix and takeaway couple, which is more his pace.

I think your approach is the right one. Say ‘I haven’t had clarity from you about… so I’m going to do…’ then get on with your plans. He can’t accuse you of leaving him out or not communicating because you have. I totally get this will leave you doing the majority of childcare (although this sounds like it may already be happening?)

see how it feels to you to live like that. Do you enjoy being able to get on with your life? Is it easier alone? You may then be able to imagine your life without him. Or you may prefer to stay and push for a solution (which may be acceptance on your part).

It's a bit controlling isn't it?
I won't tell you what I'm doing which I know will make life difficult for you.

I'd make my plans and do what I want to, clearly stating I'm doing X Y Z, if you want to come that's great, if not I'm still doing it. You'll being doing childcare on Sat morning so I can do X.

It's game playing & just comes across as pathetic, selfish & controlling. Don't put up with it.