AIBU to make assumptions about my partner's plans when he refuses to give me clarity?

[tecbrowidow]

I'm working on setting some healthy boundaries, and a I've noticed a pattern where if I ask my partner what he's planning he deflects. I'm not talking huge, I'm talking about a weekend recently when we were supposed to see his mum and I wanted to know the timings but he never provided them and this weekend when he's thinking about going away for an afternoon and a night and I wanted to know if that's happening or not. It tends to start with vague things like he'll sort it out later, then progresses to maybes or talking so quietly I can't hear, or even silence when I raise the topic, and if I really push for an answer he derails the conversation by bringing up things he's upset with me for. I know this isn't normal. I know a bunch of you are going to tell me to leave him, which I might. I think either way I need a game plan for these vague occasions. At the moment I'm going with - "Okay, I need some certainty so I can fix my plans, so I'm going to presume you're doing x. On that presumption I'll be doing y." So for example this Sunday when I don't know if he's going to be in or not I've said: "I'm going to assume you'll be out from midday, and I'm going to spend some of the afternoon with my brother and his family so I get a bit of support with childcare while you're out."

id probably do as PP have said and make my own plans, but give fair warning. Like “ let me know the plans and timings by Wednesday, otherwise I will make my own plans for Saturday “.

Personally I would be a bit miffed if he isn’t taking charge of your shared daughter for a bit of time regularly to give you some time for yourself, and I’d probably start with the aim of asking him to plan that in.

It tends to start with vague things like he'll sort it out later, then progresses to maybes or talking so quietly I can't hear, or even silence when I raise the topic, and if I really push for an answer he derails the conversation by bringing up things he's upset with me for.

You have a 3 year old child together.

His weird behaviour is not healthy or acceptable. Of course you need to have joint agreements, plans, arrangements and understandings, even if it's it's basic calendar stuck to the fridge door. Otherwise you'll end up taking n everything yourself to do with home life, family life, and your child's life, while he watches Netflix.

Then you and he are going to have some real issues to navigate, of the 'is this really worth it?' variety.

What exactly happens in each of these scenarios:

• talks quietly. What happens when you ask him to speak up?
• stops talking. What happens when you say 'why have you stopped talking, what time are we meeting your mum?'
• changes the subject. What happens when you later go 'okay, we got off track earlier, so what time are we meeting your mum?

It sounds a bit like you are the default assumed childcare provider and he thinks he can do his plans and you'll just work out who is looking after your kid?

Oh! That was my MIL! It was endless.

My dh was a bit shy, wounded, and avoidant at first but I showed him that we could work together as a team without conflict or me dominating and shaming him.

Have you tried shifting to a register he can process differently? One that doesn’t trigger avoidant behavior?

I think you might try designing your calendar visually. Make all decisions the way you want. And ask him to Opt in by simply putting a sticker on activities that he will participate in. Anything he wont is an automatic “opt out” and you won’t ask him about it. If he wants you to join him he has to put it on the calendar or it doesn’t happen and he has to offer you the same freedom to opt out.

Just for clarity, he takes our daughter out on his own normally once a weekend and they go out for 2-6 hours depending on things like weather and her mood. They have a fixed routine on these days involving visiting various shops and the playground. This time out is ad hoc at the moment, but if I make plans of my own then he does the standard trip out with her. Weekdays he does his fair share of nursery runs. Basically if it's familiar or routine he can handle it, if it is out of the routine and involves planning he gets super vague.

I would name and spotlight the behaviour. I’d say - it feels like your not keen to commit either way? Are you still unsure if you want to go? Or does it depend what I’m doing? See what he says. It might be a hangover from his mums railroading that plans make him feel very trapped. You might end up with a compromise that’s along the lines of I’m doing this, you can decide on the day, but either way you’ll definitely take dd at x o’clock so I can go to y alone.

• When I ask him to speak up he does normally do that
• When I push him when he's silent he remains silent. He can hold a silence for an incredibly long time, so I normally just point out to him that he's silent, tell him I'm going to do something else and that we can come back to the conversation later
• when we go off track and I try to get back on track he continues to take the conversation off track. It gets pretty meta, so I might say 'we're off track here, what I wanted to find out is when we're meeting your mum.' and he might reply: 'you took a conversation off track yesterday'. He's pretty dedicated to derailments.

So he has a little kick in his step around visiting his mother and events outside of his routine? I would just work with it. Get things on the calendar as far in advance as you can. And avoid his mother or avoid forcing him to discuss and commit to gis mortger. Just out it on the calendar if you want to go or don’t put it on the calendar if you don’t.

I wont do the usual MN “does he have autism?” Because thats ridiculous and his avoidant behavior could be down to trauma of engulfing parenting. But this sounds like something you should be able to work with.

He’s not your child, stop trying to parent him. It’s not going to end anywhere positive.

Is he aware that giving you the silent treatment is abusive behaviour?
He sounds catastrophically immature, astonished you've stuck it out this long.

This is completely abnormal behaviour and I despair at posters bending over backwards to try to suggest it’s your fault.

you need to sit down with him and clearly explain his refusal to sensible discuss plans as unnecessarily adding stress and wasting time and from now on you expect adult conversations.

you then need to start exactly doing what suits you. Do you want to go to him mum’s? If no, you say I need to know the plans now or else count me out. And do not change your mind

Start planning things you like to do - tell him is there any reason I can’t go to X Saturday eve? If he mumbles or deflects - unless you can tell me now what the issue/alternative plan is I am going to X.

don’t give him this power. Life is busy and stressful enough without it this drainer making everything worse. It’s selfish and controlling. He’s putting his wants above you and your child.

edit: this advice is premised on the fact you don’t appear to
wsnt to leave him. Despite his awful behaviour.

This is incredibly strange.

This did make me laugh, though. 🤣 ‘He's pretty dedicated to derailments.’

Oh, OP, I’ve just seen who you are! Leave this man, for the love of God. Does he have any positive characteristics, at this point? Why are you still doing this?

@ForZanyAquaViewer I did ask him this morning if he'd like to move out for a while so he can focus better on his work, and I meant it. He was absolutely sure he did not want to move out even for a few days or weeks.

And? Why is it about what he wants? You have agency.

He’s a drug addict. He’s avoidant. He won’t go to therapy. He won’t move out. He won’t even clean up his own shit. You do all the childcare and are the main earner. Every post, you list more and more stuff about him with which you are (completely understandably) unhappy.

Tell him to move out. End the relationship. I genuinely don’t understand why you’re so passive.

I am not very good at knowing how I will feel in the future so find committing to plans hard. I can agree to big stuff or things I've done before that I enjoyed (eg a dinner with a close friend) but for plans like "shall we go to Asda on Saturday or shall we go to see friends in the park" I find tricky.

The question will arise and my mid gets flooded with questions, eg I'll be trying to work out whether the food shop is critical for Saturday or if it can wait until Sunday, (and what food do I have in the fridge already), what else do I need to do on Saturday (eg errands) and do I have enough time (and can I even remember what I need to do), have I already made plans for that day and can I remember what they are and when/where they are, will I have exhausted my social battery, have I already overcommitted (I often do this!! ) plus a million other thoughts.

Essentially I get decision paralysis. I suspect I am ND though.

Ironically, sometimes when I am feeling a bit overwhelmed I try and make plans to detailed to get through it and sometimes I have to wing it !

Maybe your DP has something similar about decision paralysis. It's not necessarily about wanting control, being difficult or a power play. You can judge better than we can if it could be a control thing though.

Also I never cancel on people so often defer decisions until I can see how things will pan out . I know it's annoying though.

Oh tecbrowidow you've got so many threads about him.
He sounds absolutely awful. You can't carry this relationship on your own and keep constantly thinking about your behaviour to accommodate him. It's going to exhaust you.
He gives you nothing back.

Is this really how you want the rest of your life to be? You deserve so much better.

Just answering to this issue, not the other ones that have been brought up…

You sometimes have to mirror unhealthy behaviour so he can see the issue. Remember easy behaviour is almost invisible because it isn’t highlighted. Difficult behaviour is visible because of the problems that are thrown up.

So make your own plans. Don’t tell him. Do your own thing. You’ll save time and energy. He will learn to communicate or work around your plans.