Feel betrayed and disgusted by friend’s fiance

[Claridgeslick]

Last weekend was the hen weekend of one of my closest friends. She lives with her fiance. I said that he could come to my city for the weekend, and stay in my flat. He has friends there. I obviously would be at his house for the hen weekend.

I came back on Monday morning and it’s clear that he has been rifling through my things. My underwear drawer has obviously been disturbed, as has my bedside drawer with intimate things in it, as well as other places.

I am disgusted and upset that a man I was friends with, and who is marrying my friend; would behave like this. Should I tell him? Should I tell her?!

I would absolutely verbalise this with him and her, not separately, they will stick together and make you out to be incorrect, mistaken, you wont get anywhere with it, but you will have planted the seed.

Any proofs - pictures etc you have to support. Don't be swayed, you are not after anything, nothing can undo what's been done.

I'd also be putting in place a boundary that I don't want him in my house anymore, I wont be extending any invites to him, no favours, and I don't want to be left alone with him (or whatever your boundaries are).

Yoyr friend will still marry him, then at a later time she will find him a sleazeball.

Sadly I can’t see this ending well for your friendship.

@Claridgeslick could he have had others from the stag do over at yours? I’d want to be 100% sure it was him first. Not excusing or minimising in any way, it’s a total abuse of trust and very disrespectful.

I wonder if he had other people around too. But if he was definitely alone then he’s a creep!

If he had other guys at OP's house without checking it was OK with her first then that's almost worse than him going through her personal things.

And the thought of him and possibly his friends doing this and having a good snigger is actually disgusting.

Don't say anything and if you do just to him. You have no way of proving anything so it will massively back fire on you. Id ask him if he had anyone round as its clear people had been going through your private things

Something similar happened to a flatmate and me once. We told the miscreant man and his DP we’d obviously been burgled as the flat had clearly been disturbed and personal belongings rifled through; and to expect to be asked for statements from the police and out insurance claim loss adjuster as he was the last person in the flat yada yada.

He fessed up.

We went cold on the couple after that.

If you say anything to him he will strongly deny it and she will stand firmly by him. They will make you out to be a deranged liar. I mean, a man about to get married is not going to confess to fiddling with his best friend's knicker drawer and his fiancee (having spent a fortune and exhaustively planning her dream wedding) definitely won't want to hear it. The best you can do is ask him, on his own, whether he invited anyone else to your flat. That way you've made it clear that you know and it will make him uncomfortable.

Thanks folks. I doubt he had people round - it’s a tiny little flat. Not a place for a party.

I haven’t mentioned it. I just feel slightly violated and sad for my friend that she is marrying someone who would do that.

I definitely think you should mention it!
Why wouldn't you?

I think you need to mention it. I would be disgusted if that was my partner.

You absolutely have to mention it. What kind of friend would say nothing??

Really tough one. On one hand as a friend you should of course warn your friend. But realistically, how likely is she to call off her marriage because of this? There is unlikely to be a way that this ends anything other than badly for you, unfortunately.

Can you ask him about it while recording him to protect yourself a bit? Perhaps try the PPs approach of saying you’re concerned there has been an intruder as some of your personal items are disturbed and you need to pass on his contact details to the police as the last person who was there. Just to see how he reacts.

The other option unfortunately is to keep quiet but keep your distance from him entirely. He’s obviously a bit of a gross creep but sadly there’s every chance that a lot of men would have done this, many of which will go on to have very normal lasting marriages. Depressing as that is!

Honestly I wouldn’t have ever felt comfortable leaving a friend’s male partner to stay in my flat for a weekend while I wasn’t there. Even if I knew him. This is exactly the kind of thing that I suspect unfortunately a lot more men would do than we would think.

Sadly, because there’s every chance that he just denies and minimises, her friend brushes over it because it’s not enough to blow up her wedding over and he’s denying it, and the OP is the one who ends up frozen out and losing her friend. He may well turn it on the OP and say she’s just a jealous friend trying to make trouble. There’s a strong argument for keeping quiet in order to protect herself unfortunately. Without being able to prove anything it’s very hard for her.

I would message him to ask if he had any friends round at any point, or did he leave any windows or doors unlocked because there has been some things disturbed in the flat. That you're going to get stronger locks on windows etc as a precaution, but in the meantime wanted to check as you are thinking you should report it.

See what happens, & if you don't want to fall out with your friend, do fake shock and surprise if you are then accused of trying to say he was snooping.
'oh absolutely not, I wouldn't have offered my flat if I didn't think I could trust him 100% to respect it, I just can't work out why things have moved, but no of course I don't think it was him, which is why I asked if he had a friend call in or anything was left unsecure, you know how quick people can be in or out (unless the flat is on the 10th floor then perhaps ask if Spiderman had called in)'

I agree with this that it's likely but also, I would not want to keep a friendship intact with someone who doesnt care that their perv boyfriend has gone through my knicker drawer. Even if OP says nothing it WILL affect their friendship detrimentally. It will be the elephant in the room and she will never be able to spend time with them as a couple again without feeling completed grossed out and violated by him. If it comes out later he has cheated on the friend or done something equally as gross then. the friend will say - why didnt you tell me?

Whether she says something or doesnt right now, this friendship will be tarnished.

You owe it to your friend to tell her.

Its awful

You can open draws and cupboards to have a nosy without it being apparent. If he made it so that it was obvious he looked through your stuff he must have wanted an outcome of you discovering your private things have been sorted through. What would he have to gain by doing that?

Unless he was innocently looking for a spare phone charger? Unlikely but it’s an excuse he may give!

Because he will just deny it and the friend will believe him. Friendship over 🙁

Yes this. If not what a weird thing to do and to leave it obvious that he’d done it!?

Not much of a friendship if you can’t be honest. Not much of a friendship if you don’t give them heads up when you know they’re fiancé has been a major creep.

100%. But one of his drunk mates going in there unnoticed is not the same as the groom choosing to go in and actively have a look. The first case you’d expect the groom to be extremely sorry and be making amends/apologising for his crap mates/apologising for not asking if they could come over and I’d still probably be reducing contact. The second is much, much worse. In @Claridgeslick ‘s shoes I’d be ending the friendship with the groom and you’d hope the bride would be re-considering the prospect of marriage, too.

A difficult and unpleasant situation.

'Hi friend. Did fiance have friends round while he was house sitting for me? I am concerned because my underwear drawer and bedside drawer have been rifled through.'

You could go for the indirect question route and see what comes of it. At least it will trigger a discussion between them, and he will know you know. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I think you’re absolutely mental for not mentioning this to your friend. I can’t imagine a friends future groom going through my undies and not saying something the moment I found out. I think you’re bizarre! Sorry this has happened to you though I can understand feeling disrespected

I would do this too