Really hurt by teens attitude

[lolalopp]

Ds is nearly 14 and has changed so much in the past few years. He is ungrateful. He doesn’t want to spend any time with us as a family. He will come in from school and immediately lock himself away in his room. I go in and try to chat but he’s not bothered. He has no time for his younger siblings. An elderly relative has been unwell recently and he doesn’t even ask how they are or show any interest in wanting to visit them. All he is bothered about is his own wants and needs.

He will come through and sit with Dh and I on an evening for an hour to eat dinner and watch a bit of TV but despite living in the same home I genuinely never see him apart from this.

Is this pretty normal for teens? I know that they can be self centered but he’s always been a fairly loving boy and it’s just very hurtful how disinterested he is in everything. I feel like I’m just here to feed him and wash his clothes and drive him places but other than that he has nothing but disdain for me.

Sounds like a classic teen to me??

You’re probably right but it’s becoming very tedious. And it’s still quite new so I’m adjusting to the change in my once lovely little boy.

Yes this is completely normal for teens.

it means by the time they leave home you are desperate to see them go.

Yes it's normal.

It wears off eventually.

Yes, it's completely normal, don't take it personally! They do come back 😊

I found the book Get Out of My Life: But First Take Me and Alex Into Town really helpful.

I remember reading before about love languages, and I found myself moving into the ‘acts of service’ mode for teens! This doesn’t mean doing everything for them (chores remain) but making yourself available to give lifts, carving out the time to support them in their interests by being available to host friends, bring them places, pick them up, is a way of being there as a constant and stable presence. I know some MN posters believe in not slavishly taxiing teens around, and I admit there’ve been times I’ve sacrificed precious sleep to ‘be there for them’ but it’s what they need to develop their own rich life, knowing you are only a phone call away. And making time and space for him to invite friends over occasionally - my 14yo loves having a few lads to sleep over: they are bridging that gap of boyhood and need to know mum and dad will let them grow up and change and fill the fridge and provide the snacks.

Yep very normal. You have to connect in different way, sitting quietly in the car together when you’re being taxi, delivering them some snacks to their room, asking if they want their mates over for a few hours etc.

He'll be back to the loving boy he once was again in a few years, the foundations are there. Don’t turn these teenage years into a battle ground, leave him be.

Have a look at Lisa Damour on Insta, who I find helpful for this stuff. Important that you adjust to living with a teen, as craving your little boy back is only going to harm your relationship.

We do still have some good chats in the car. I just sometimes wonder if it’s ok to leave him be so much. He’s just glued to his phone or Xbox in his room and it doesn’t feel like good parenting. If I take the younger dc out he just wants to be left at home so I end up feeling guilty even though it’s what he wants to do.

It might be normal for some 13 yo/14 yo teens, but certainly not all. My teens have always eaten meals with us, happily holidayed with us, had meals out, etc. They regularly visited their grandparents and would definitely have been concerned if they knew they were ill. Homework was done in a downstairs room and at that age, their pc was in a downstairs room too which opened from our living room. They also hung out in this room with their friends. They always had to help a little around the house so opportunity for more engagement there. They had no reason/need to spend their time in their room because it was a pc/laptop/tv free zone.

I dropped/collected my teens from school so always had some chat, though one of my teenagers was very much ok Mum, I’m going to chat for a minute to keep you happy and then that’s it.

They definitely increase their independence at that age and arrange their own social lives etc, but ours also still connected with us/their siblings.

My ds is the same, same age. We do make him come out with us at the weekend - walk in the country, meal out, garden centre and a coffee and cake etc. He can go back on his Xbox etc after that but going out isn’t a choice for us. To be fair though he does it quite willingly and we enjoy a chat etc then. I think it’s because he knows it’s expected that he comes out. It’s difficult if you have one that just refuses.

It is all normal. Doesn’t mean it’s not hard though and you do mourn a little for when they were young and followed you everywhere..!

Teenagers are selfish - it’s something to do with brain development. I think if he’s spending an hour or so eating with you in the evening and watching a bit of TV with you, you are doing well.

All the advice about lifts is good - it’s the best way to chat - something about being side to side.

Second the recommendation for Lisa Damor on Insta. She’s saved my sanity a few times. And read all the books about teenagers you can get hold of.

It also helps I find to have interests and hobbies for yourself (you may well do). For years our world revolves around them so when they suddenly don’t want to hang out anymore it can be a bit lonely.

He will come sometimes but it’s hard as sometimes the things we do with younger dc understandably have no interest for him. But I do try and make sure we have plenty of one on one time too. However even that feels painful at times with his attitude.

So how does this work with teens that have non driving parents?

Gosh this made me cringe.

I wouldn't tolerate active rudeness, like swearing at you or being demanding. However, I don't blame him for not wanting to hang out with younger siblings. What teenager wants to be around kids? It doesn't mean he doesn't love them. Same with elderly relatives. It is healthy that he is being like this now rather than later. I was a model teen, perfect until I was in my early twenties. I was Dux at school, never said boo to a goose, teacher's pet, lovely to family (although I had no siblings). At 21 I had a complete breakdown and had to be in effect sectioned.

It’s the reason so many people get a dog at this stage!

It is normal (see Kevin the Teenager - goes upstairs a nice little boy, comes down in the morning on birthday a fully-fledged horror).

I agree about smuggery about “ My teens are perfect “ people. I have known quite a few like poster above who have gone off the rails because they have been sealed in cling film as teens.

I can absolutely empathise OP. DD16 can be staggeringly self absorbed, to the point where DH & I sometimes think we have failed as parents. It’s so often all about her. Yet there are those precious connections, like when she shares a funny video with me or asks me to sit & watch tv. We have great chats in the car & music is a huge thing for both of us. Hang in there!

Works for me, but you do you.

Congratulations on your completely normal teenage boy.

Why did it make you cringe?

We've taken the same approach, our DS is now 16 and we have a fantastic relationship. We know all his friends, they know us. It works. My parents did the same for me.

@Lailla719 @SallyDraperGetInHere The comment made me cringe because of the love language guff not the actual action

Mine are 25 and 17. The oldest ‘came out the other side’ years ago; the 17 year old is getting there.

Mealtimes at the dinner table are non negotiable for us, as are some shared activities. Homework must be done; grandparents must be spoken to politely when they arrive - but DS does not have to stay downstairs with them the entire stay. He can go to a party at night, or to the gym in the afternoon when they’re here.

He still enjoys family holidays but he has some input in where we go and what we do eg what trips we do if we’re on a cruise. I wouldn’t drag him round historic sites for a week, but he’d be expected to do one or two for a couple of hours at a time with reasonable grace. I’ve booked him and his Dad on to an off road vehicle activity on one day which he said sounded great, while I see sights in the town on my own.

So we try to strike a balance which seems to work ok.

Works for me too. Ignore the horrid attitude.

It's very normal. They do revert back.
We had a rule that family ate together, no phones at table.
Also a wise friend told me: find something you all like doing and do it as a family regularly. Could be sports fixtures or going out for dinner or challenging hikes or comedy gigs. Just do it once a month during those years. Also, let them teach you stuff. DC got us into loads of new comedians and music we'd never have listened to who we now really love.