To wish my husband could drink less?

[Valleymum2]

I’ve had cancer and had to stop drinking apart from the odd glass. My husband has always been a heavy drinker - drinks a huge amount when he’s out but doesn’t drink every day and not much at home so it’s not all the time. It’s always bothered me as it impacts me (getting extremely drunk at family events, falling over in the road in front of the kids, recently being sick when we were out for a nice day out and he’d overdone it the night before. That sort of thing… also very grumpy after a drink, but more so now as I need sleep for my health , I’m concerned about finances (would like to eventually retire early) and he has little provision for his pension so it is all a bit down to me. When we go for a meal or on holiday he drinks loads and I feel that I am constantly holding back to keep the costs down. It is not fun being the ‘holder backer’ but if I don’t do that he just spends more and we get into debt. However - he is a lovely lovely guy, he has faced some severe difficulties in his life which he has overcome and I suspect the heavy drinking may be associated with undiagnosed ADHD or similar. He’s now really enjoying that our kids are early 20s and love a drink and they are all encouraging each other and the kids think I’m just a bit negative because I can’t drink / however I’ve felt like this for the whole of my marriage. How do I get through to him? I think he’s being really immature to be honest

He's an alcoholic.
You need to get help from AA

Unfortunately you can't get through to him OP. He is an alcoholic and the only way he will ever change is when he decides himself that he wants to stop drinking.
The very sad part of this is that he has normalised heavy drinking for your children and they will probably be going down the same route.
You should seek advice and help from.one of the organisations designed to advise and support the families of heavy drinkers and alcoholics, such as Al - Anon.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he's an alcoholic. I think he needs help.

He doesn’t drink all the time. A few months ago we went on holiday and he had maybe one beer in the afternoon and a couple of drinks on the evening with dinner. He was definitely keeping a lid on it to support me in my not drinking. But then he went to the pub one night and got incredibly drunk to the extent he was falling over. Am I over egging that he is a problem drinker when it’s not all the time? That was one night out of the 14 night holiday

He needs to choose you or the booze. Al-Anon may help (if you're in the UK)

He may not be a true alcoholic since he can go without or stop day to day but he does sound like he has a problem with alcohol if he can't drink socially without binging to the extent he's falling over/ hungover.

I'd decide what bothers you most and present him with it (eg show him the bill from a night out). You can't really dictate that he shouldn't drink because you don't and he just won't stop unless he wants to. I'd probably approach it in the first instance as he just needs to pull back when he's out. He could still drink but limit it to a bottle of wine (which is still a lot) so he stays standing and doesn't spend a fortune.

Encouraging the kids to drink like he does would enrage me.

Have tried this route and he definitely pulls back a lot overall but the excessive drinking still happens regularly, I can’t help thinking maybe I am expecting too much of him, to change the(bad) habits of a lifetime

Honestly it breaks my heart, I have tried so hard to prevent this and I can see the pattern emerging. Heavy drinking is an issue in both our families but not in a ‘true alcoholic’ way which in some ways makes it harder to deal with as the problem is not so obvious to other people

Maybe a max budget? What does he say about the cost? Sounds like potentially 100s /month that could impact your retirement, which is not on.

But you can't prevent it, OP. I grew up in a house of secrets and learned from a really young age not to "tell". Yet married someone who became a nasty heavy drinker, whom no one outside the house would ever believe had a problem. He knows you're not happy with his drinking and his behaviour, yet carries on. This is who he is.

Everyone I have known with a drinking problem was self medicating for anxiety/undiagnosed ADHD/mental health.

The point is that telling them to stop drinking won't make them stop.

He needs to go, for himself, not even for you or the kids, to the GP and ask for help. Maybe he needs to taper down or anti depressants. But he can't just cut down by himself - if he hasn't so far why would it work now to tell him...I'm sure he knows he has a problem. But it's an addiction. You can't just switch it off. It's a disease and HE needs to seek help.

Look up the list of questions to ask to ascertain if someone has a problem with drinking. I think you’ll find your husband is indeed a true alcoholic whatever that definition is.
This is your life too - do you want to live it like this? Life is short and time is precious, as you probably know better than most having been ill. Don’t waste it by saddling yourself with someone who has a problem with alcohol and money.

I genuinely believe btw that the mental health problems ADHD etc are real; it's just that alcohol is a very poor way of solving these problems. Alcohol is a perfect storm for people with pre existing problems (look up dopamine and lack thereof in ADHD sufferers) as it will tend to exacerbate those problems further and in the end cause the anxiety/stress/family breakdown that it was meant to be ameliorating.

One of the patterns in marriage to an alcoholic is apparently the cycle of the alcoholic being told off for his behaviour, feeling angry, stressed as a result, rebellious, blaming others for not letting them relax have a good time. To say he is "immature" is totally missing the point. He is addicted and he will blame you for spoiling the "good times" and nagging him because that's a way of avoiding the realisation that he is an addict. So what can you do? Take action
Don't go out with him to restaurants; that might be a start. That's enabling him
you can't have your cake and eat it - you can't placate him. Tell him you are very worried about his drinking and you want him to go to a GP to seek help
See what he says. That is your answer. That is his true self.

A friend of mine has just been to rehab for three months and is now six months sober. His teenage children have been deeply deeply affected by the events of the last five years and his wife issued an ultimatum in the end. The first step was tackling what was his severe underlying anxiety via. GP

He's a binge drinker - just one of the methods of alcoholism - or call it problematic drinking if you/he is allergic to the A word.

AA define alcoholism not by what, when, how much or how often a person drinks - but how their subsequent behaviour impacts on the people around them - if it becomes problematic or not.

You have listed out many ways how his drinking is problematic to you directly and impacts negatively on your relationship and your family life.

I am really sorry that you are dealing with cancer and my heart breaks for you to see that this isnt enough for him to moderate.

Alcoholism isnt a static state - its a progressive disease - even if someone drinks the same number of units - their health - mentally and physically is deteriorating. I am assuming he is past middle age (40s) and an aging alcoholic is at high risk to many illnesses. The wheels ultimately fall off. He may lose his job, have an accident etc.

Your only option is to give him and ultimatum with a deadline and a consequence and be certain you will follow it through. He is unlikely to agree or sustain any level of sobriety without support.

However Al Anon will teach you to 'detach with love' and not have your own life sucked down the drain as well - this is his journey and you should not be enmeshed in his recovery as that will backfire.

I would be open with your young adults and explain how this disease from both sides of their family makes them especially vulnerable genetically and socially to dependency and encourage them to consider a better life path at this point.

I also think that an alcoholic cannot moderate their drinking; they can only abstain. Drinkaware explains what the signs of dependency are and how it is dangerous to try quitting overnight if he is in fact very dependent...and of course explains why it isn't as simple as you asking him to 'cut down".

I gave my husband an ultimatum. Me or drinking more than a couple of drinks occasionally. I despise him when he drinks. I hate the sloppiness, the overly emotional behaviour and the fact he is more sensitive which leads to arguments.

It makes me unhappy and so one day I told him I would leave if he didn't cut it out. Friends said it was controlling, but it's literally a liquid. If he isn't going to choose his wife over a liquid he will pee out in 60 mins, there's something wrong.

Now if he wants to have a proper drink like with a friend or special occasion then we will plan in advance and he sleeps in the spare room and we don't talk.

If you are unhappy you deserve to tell him and he should listen. I have listened when my husband hasn't liked certain things.

"until death" is a bloody long time if living with someone who regularly does things you hate.

There's nothing you can do, it sounds like he's enjoying his drink more than the marriage OP and is looking for excuses to keep it that way. Btw, it's irrelevat if there is an undiagnosed ADHD or not - the treatment for problem alcohol use is the same.

He’s an alcoholic who will only stop drinking when he wants to. And he has to stop completely. I suggest you talk to Al Anon @Valleymum2, they provide great support for the families of alcoholics, they’ve all been there.

His retirement is not your problem to fund.

Work out his drink spends pw, multiply by 52, then his time to retirement....

Nurse with a purse.

'Heavy drinking is an issue in both our families but not in a ‘true alcoholic’ way which in some ways makes it harder to deal with as the problem is not so obvious to other people'

Both of your families normalised heavy alcohol use OP, but posters here are in agreement it is clearly problematic.

Seek support for yourself, codependency is likely to run in both families too.

Like yourself I've had cancer and rarely drink alcohol now so can relate somewhat.

However if my DH behaved like yours then I'd be issuing an ultimatum. I'd be showing the bill from night outs, what your current pension provision is looking like and the final nail of alcohol related illnesses (plus the increased cancer risk). I'd be asking him to seek help or speak with AA. If he couldn't do that after all the evidence given then I'd be calling it quits. My take on it is if you want to damage your body and make me your carer because you can't not drink alcohol to silly levels then I'm not being part of it with you.

But if someone has undiagnosed ADHD, and depression and they are able to say, yes I see I'm selfmedicating for x y z problems surely it will help motivate to seek long term help with those pre existing problems and stop the self medication.
Tbh alcohol exacerbates depression and anxiety rather than relieving it -

but denying someone might have genuine worries and traumas isn't going to encourage them to seek better solutions.

There is a difference between "no excuses" and "there is an underlying issue of your depression and anxiety that you need to address or I cannot live with you"