To wish my husband could drink less?

[Valleymum2]

I’ve had cancer and had to stop drinking apart from the odd glass. My husband has always been a heavy drinker - drinks a huge amount when he’s out but doesn’t drink every day and not much at home so it’s not all the time. It’s always bothered me as it impacts me (getting extremely drunk at family events, falling over in the road in front of the kids, recently being sick when we were out for a nice day out and he’d overdone it the night before. That sort of thing… also very grumpy after a drink, but more so now as I need sleep for my health , I’m concerned about finances (would like to eventually retire early) and he has little provision for his pension so it is all a bit down to me. When we go for a meal or on holiday he drinks loads and I feel that I am constantly holding back to keep the costs down. It is not fun being the ‘holder backer’ but if I don’t do that he just spends more and we get into debt. However - he is a lovely lovely guy, he has faced some severe difficulties in his life which he has overcome and I suspect the heavy drinking may be associated with undiagnosed ADHD or similar. He’s now really enjoying that our kids are early 20s and love a drink and they are all encouraging each other and the kids think I’m just a bit negative because I can’t drink / however I’ve felt like this for the whole of my marriage. How do I get through to him? I think he’s being really immature to be honest

You don’t have to live with an alcoholic.

OP my ex would get blackout drunk often. Not constantly but it was hideous to live with. Totally dead behind the eyes and would want to stay out all night etc. Wouldn't care less about me getting home safely from a party in back arse of wherever at 5am kind of behaviour. I divorced his sorry ass and never looked back. He was a problem drinker and that made a happy relationship impossible.

There’s a lot of myths about problem drinking sometimes on MN. It’s far more complicated than how much/when someone drinks. Ignore phrases like “true alcoholic” etc. It’s all just labels.

Whats important is the drinking is a problem because it’s having a negative effect on the family. You are seeing that in the impact on his health, your well being , the family finances etc. These are the signs that his drinking is getting to a level for concern.

And to the poster who said alcoholics cant regulate. Some most certainly can. Again, thats not the bit that matters though…its the fallout from it thats the problem.

OP I am very sorry for your circumstances and this is the last thing you need in your life right now. But you wont see any change until your husband faces up to the problem, does something about it and sticks to it. That’s a long road and only you can decide if you want to stand by him through it.

I definitely know he is a problem drinker- it’s not all the time but to give you an example when I thought I might die at one point I made his younger sister promise to make sure he didn’t get drunk at my daughters weddding! (She has no current intention of getting married, this was in the future!). He’s still my kids dad and they adore him and he is a really kind and lovely person but I’ve been pretty awful to him over the years, mainly because of the alcohol thing, and feel I have made things worse. I am now trying the ‘detach with love’ approach. It’s actually really sad, going to the pub and drinking was a big part of our lives when we met and we just didn’t prepare for where life would take us and other stuff to focus on ahead, too wrapped up in the kids to notice for a long time

It’s stress if I leave and stress if I stay. Whilst trying to make sure I still well and stress free to reduce the risk of cancer recurring.

getting extremely drunk at family events, falling over in the road in front of the kids, recently being sick when we were out for a nice day out and he’d overdone it the night before.

This is not normal. He has a drink problem.

He’s now really enjoying that our kids are early 20s and love a drink and they are all encouraging each other

This is genuinely awful.

No alcoholism is not static.

If you stay your stress will increase as his health declines and your relationship deteriorates. This could be in an instant - stroke, cancer, fall, loses job etc. This will not help your recovery and remission. You will end up being his carer.

If you leave your stress will reduce after the initial hurdle as you re-focus on building your own emotional and physically wellbeing each day which is currently impossible whilst you are hyper alert to his chaos and trying to prevent or minimise his mess.

IME the enabler leaving can often be the rock bottom the alcoholic needs to seek their own intrinisically driven recovery - but you would need a minimum of 12 months apart where he is sober as the first 6 months are working through phyiscal dependency and the following 6 physcological (which goes for life).

I would ask you DCs not to drink with their DF - they need to know that they are inadvertly complicit in his downfall.

And you need to know that every action of yours to clear up his mess is inadvertently enabling him to continue drinking. This involves providing cash etc.

At AA they teach you not to be an enabler - so if they throw up on the street, piss the bed, shit themselves, fall over - you do not cleanthem up or pick them up. They need to feel the consequences of their choices. So if they wake up in a pool of shit, piss, vomit in their front garden the next morning it will have more impact that waking up in a lovely clean warm bed which due to being shitfaced and loss of memory - they assumed they just strolled in to without incident.