I’m really hurt…..

[Ginger22]

My partner came home from the office tonight and we settled down with a glass for a chat. He started recounting a story today from the office…… part way through he said “because she’s really attractive”….. talking about sone kind of hassle a young lady was receiving at the moment in his office. I said “what?” And he said “well, can’t there be other attractive women in the world?” I said, it sounds like you find her attractive? He said well, she’s half my age! That made me feel worse.

I felt really hurt. I’m 47, menopausal and now I feel like there’s a young, attractive woman in his office that they’re all gawping at. When I explained how this made me feel, he said I was not being genuine and I was ridiculous to feel upset. Am I?

This wouldn't bother me at all tbh! Some people just objectively are attractive.

Was her being attractive part of the story? Or just an irrelevant detail? If it's part of the story of what happened I wouldn't be annoyed, especially as he said "other attractive women" implying that they are in addition to you. If he was just telling the story in order to say she's fit and nothing actually happened then that's more upsetting.

Typical thoughtless, clumsy male! I’d be hurt too but he probably didn’t mean to hurt you.

An attractive woman is attractive, no matter what her age. And no matter what the age of the man observing. It doesn't mean he wants to take it further. Put yourself in the same situation - an attractive young man comes into view. You can enjoy looking at him without any desire to do anything about it. So I think maybe you over reacted a bit.

There are 100000000s of attractive women in the world, can your OH not recount any stories where said attractive person might have hassle or benefit due to their attractiveness?

You're making a taboo area. He didn't say more attractive than you he said attractive. He wasn't saying she was tremendously attractive, he was saying she was getting hassle because she was attractive. It's not a detriment to you.

You're not ridiculous to feel upset. You should never be ashamed of your emotions. If anything, a little healthy jealousy shows that there's still a passion in the relationship.

I really don't think your DH meant to hurt your feelings. I love my husband dearly but I do see men whilst out and about and think that they're attractive. It would be strange to only find one person attractive. There is a difference between finding someone attractive and having a desire to pursue relations with a person. It sounds to me as though your husband was telling you about his day in a frank manner and being honest with you. I'd be more concerned if he was hiding the fact that there was a woman who he found attractive at his work. I really don't think you have anything to worry about or give your husband a hard time about but you could suggest to him that you yourself would like to be made to feel attractive more often. Perhaps you could arrange a date night, if you can get childcare. If your husband was spending an unusual amount of time with this woman, and showing more of an interest in her than he does his other colleagues, I'd agree that you should be worried. But as it stands from what you've said, that doesn't appear to be the case.

If you've somehow reached the age of 47 and are only now realising that some other women are attractive, then I don't know what to suggest.

Thank you all for your responses I appreciate your perspectives. I hope I’m replying on the right bit. I guess I just feel like he knows I’m struggling at the moment - I’ve put on a lot of weight with the menopause and I’m not feeling my best. He also told me once that his ex wife made me happier than I ever could - this is something I’ve tried very hard to get past but I guess it’s made me feel very insecure. I feel he could’ve nipped it in the bud when he saw the hurt on my face. He said he didn’t believe I was really upset. I felt quite dismissed.

He said well, she’s half my age!

What did that mean? She's young so of course I find her attractive or don't be silly, she's too young for me to fancy?

I think in the moment I took this to mean well we all find her attractive! I guess I just can’t compete with a woman hand my age and it made me feel so awful that he’d already said she was attractive.

Half - sorry

Sorry OP, but YABVU. You’re obviously not feeling great in yourself, but your DH describing another woman as objectively attractive doesn’t mean he’s saying you’re not - he literally said ‘can’t there be other attractive women?’. And your answer to that can’t rationally be ‘no’, can it?

Jealousy and insecurity are understandable emotions if your self esteem is low and you’ve got all the peri hormonal shite going on, but they can become corrosive very quickly. Don’t let it end up with your DH treading on eggshells and policing himself so as to avoid throwaway remarks causing a massive overreaction.

Try to deal with the root cause, which is how you’re feeling about yourself. Unless there’s a massive dripfeed coming, your DH conversationally mentioning someone is attractive shouldn’t have the power to make you feel this hurt and upset.

He actually said his ex-wife made him happier than you do?

What a charmer.

With that update in mind, I can understand why you feel so undermined.

That's grim. What he said about his ex wife was terrible, and it's hard to think of any context that would make it innocent instead of designed to hurt you.

I'm guessing he doesn't do much to support you and build your confidence in general...

Did you see a picture of her, as in, is she actually attractive? Cause if not he might just be saying to get a reaction, if she is, and you can agree then at least you know he isn’t lying to you.

It feels good to tell that out loud as it were. Yes it is grim and thank you acknowledging it. Thing is, he’s so loving. I’ve never felt so loved but at times, he does say awful things and I can’t forget them which I think has lead to how I feel today

He said what??

What a dick.

You sound like you are on the same page overall. You’ll get there.

Huge red flag

He iis complimenting other women and says his ex created a happiness for him he couldn’t replicate??

No wonder you feel terrible.

This relationship would be over. Why should you be second best?

This is not about other women being attractive, but your oh making you feel less than all of the time.

He enjoys keeping you feeling insecure. No this isn’t healthy. Or good for you.

Why did he say you could never make him happier than his ex wife did? I'd have dumped him for that, straight away!

He was telling you about a young woman at work getting " hassle" because she is " really attractive" ? It doesn't say a lot for the culture of the office he works in. And what is his feelings on a young woman getting treated inappropriately at work because she is " really attractive" ? I don't think he comes out of this very well and neither do his work colleagues.

Sounds to me as though he likes to undermine your confidence with his comment about his ex wife and now this letting you know how attractive the women he works with are.

Compete for what, exactly? Attractive women exist. They have always existed. Why is this such a problem?

You’re the only one putting yourself in competition with her though

So, the thing about his ex wife was truly truly awful. Unforgivably so.

The issue in the OP is your insecurity manufacturing something to be upset about out of whole cloth.