Family dinners with ex husband and children

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Currently navigating separation and pondering on the idea of once every few weeks or once a month sharing a family dinner together. We are currently in the very early stages of separating and we both wish to remain friendly. Is this an odd idea? Has anyone done this? Thinking of alternating it - once in my place then take it in turns - ex likes the idea too. Is this weird?

It's a nice idea if you can remain friends but I dont know anyone who has managed to except a couple who lived fairly separte lives even when married

OP, it’s a nice idea, but as the separation progresses, things will not necessarily remain friendly! You may at the very least need some time to allow the dust to settle! And once either you or your ex has a new partner, it would be very strange, and I guarantee the new partners would not like it.

My ex and I have been doing the same for almost a year now since separation. We actually end up spending probably four times a week all together minimum, half term was spent every day together, we all went to Spain in Easter hols, and are planning another holiday for summer holiday too - separate rooms, nothing intimate at all.
I’ve found this really hard though as the break up was his decision and I begged him not to.
Our children seem to benefit from us all being together a lot though.

For whose benefit?

Why did you agree?
That sounds incredibly difficult

It might be OK now but what happens when one or both of you meet a new partner?

@Shelly1973ishbecause I love him so much. I won’t be able to continue like this if he meets someone else.

I don't think that its good for you to continue to do this
Your Ex probably likes it because he gets to look all reasonable and it probably eases his guilt a bit

We do family dinners for birthdays, Christmas and mothers/fathers day - we’re on good terms and it’s good for the kids to see us able to get along. I never want my kids to worry about graduations, weddings etc so we’re laying the groundwork now and it works fine.

A friend of mine parents did this. After they divorced and when the kids were teens and still do to this day even though the teens are adults and married themselves. The separation itself was toxic for a while.

At the start it was normally in the house that the teens lived in as they wanted to be out with their friends afterwards and was weekly. Now it seems to be more causal and they often meet for cake and coffee maybe once a month. My friends says it makes things less stressful for himself and brother particularly as his in laws can not be in the same room as each other.

No, it doesn’t work. It blurs lines for everyone. I know from experience. On special occasions yes. That’s it!

If your going to do it stick to neutral territory of restaurant

Could be very confusing for children.
“If you get on so well, why can’t we all still live together and be a family?!”

Be careful.

I think it's a nice idea after everything is settled with divorce.

However, might be nicer not to have it as a standing appointment and do it on the occasions- children's birthdays, Easter, Christmas (or whatever the big events are for the family).

We spend birthdays and part or Christmas together along with my xdh's new wife and it works well.

I think in theory this sounds good because you will both be in your children's lives for all future events and I think laying down a foundation of friendship is a good thing. My friend is still mates with her ex husband, no children together but they are all part of the same circle of people including parents etc.

This has been going on for 40 years. She has a very long term partner and children with him who are now in their 30s. He understood the situation when he started dating her and accepted it. He knows neither of them want to be in a relationship but are friends.

Going forward it could mean both parents sort out the child's actual birthday celebrations as well as their party if they have one, ie birthday falls on the Wednesday but the party is on the Saturday. Both could attend and split costs etc. Sensible discussions about secondary school choices and anything that you would have to approach as co-parents.

Reallfeel for you. Look after yourself

It can be very confusing for children, especially if you go to each others houses. Really think about why you want to do it and what will happen if you stop (if one of you gets a new partner etc)

It worked for family, we're still doing it. My advice would be not to be too rigid about it. Things change so adapt.

I think it’s a lovely idea if it works for everyone BUT it would require everyone to have really clear and fully understood boundaries.

Oh love, that’s rough. If it was his decision, why? I suspect he probably is seeing other people because you’re doing all the relationship piece without the sex.

I think short term it's fine as long as you both get on as friends. I wouldn't make it a formal arrangement that the children are aware of (depending on their age). More at drop off say 'oh we're having tea would you like to stay', even if this is actually pre arranged between you two. I do think interacting with both parents at same time can be beneficial to children.

Long term only works if both of you are 100% confident that you could sit and eat with new partners as well. If you wanted to commit to a long-term plan I'd go to a carvery first Sunday of the month. Make it an open invitation, grandparents, friends, other family welcome, make it a fun family occasion. Takes the pressure off being just the two of you but shows the kids you can exist happily in the same space.

My parents did stuff like this when I was a child after their separation and I found it hideous. Would much rather they keep themselves separate and stop spending time as a fake family unit. That might be because the split was very one sided though and one parent was clearly desperately hoping for a reconciliation. Perhaps it would have been different if both parents felt the same but I just found it torturous to be part of.

It’s nice in theory but I would wait until the divorce is signed off because things could turn nasty quickly.

Other factors to consider - new partners may not like the arrangement or want to be included which could be awkward.
Kids may resent new partners because they’d rather mum and dad being together and these meals would feed into that fantasy.
Would there need to be rules like not being sentimental about the past ?
Would it be harder to get over him if you had to see him socially once a month? Not emotionally detaching is going to affect future relationship.
How awkward would it be if you started this then wanted to pull out because it’s just too emotional ? The kids will be disappointed.

Why?
How old are the children?
How do you think this will work when or if either of you gets a new partner?