Family dinners with ex husband and children

[LightB]

Currently navigating separation and pondering on the idea of once every few weeks or once a month sharing a family dinner together. We are currently in the very early stages of separating and we both wish to remain friendly. Is this an odd idea? Has anyone done this? Thinking of alternating it - once in my place then take it in turns - ex likes the idea too. Is this weird?

Well thats only going to end in tears for you. I would stop this now if I were you. You're clearly hoping he'll change his mind but he'll find someone new and then accuse you of being the one to break the family up when you can't continue with this agreement.

OP I really wouldn't. It would have to stop at some point. I can't imagine a new partner of either of yours being happy with this arrangement and that would be understandable. It's also confusing for the DC. Being friendly, yes. Family dinners and holidays together, not fair on the DC

My ex and I are friendly but not friends.

We do this on special occasions- Xmas, kid’s birthday etc - and sometimes more casually if we’ve had a day out together and all end up in the same place at the end of the day.

Its nice for the kids to have us both together, and it’s nice for them to have their dad in their house sometimes instead of always going to his (I know it should be two homes but that’s not how they feel …)

Neither of us have serious new partners, but I would imagine this would carry on quite happily if we did, with new partners just being included too…

I've managed this somewhat successfully with my ex. We've been separated for 2.5 years and divorced for 18 months, but we've been doing the meals since he first moved out 2 years ago. We have a family meal once or twice a month, either at one of our homes or out at pub/restaurant. It's worked quite well, although we my XH did go through a phase of being an arse. So I ended the meals for a while, when he asked why we weren't doing them any more I explained that I didn't like the way he'd been speaking to me and had therefore taken a step back. He promised to treat me more respectfully, and has done so ever since, therefore the meals have resumed. Neither of us has met anyone new yet, and I do wonder if this current arrangement will be able to continue if either of us meets a new partner.

I got my divorce through today. Separated 18 months ago. Ex H (first time I’ve called him that!) and I are amicable. Both of us have new partners.

Kid’s birthdays and parts of Christmas we’ve spent together since separating. No plans to change this and being amicable means a lot to all of us.

wouldn’t want to spend time together weekly, though. I wouldn’t set that precedent as things will change naturally and it will be hard for the kids.

That’s good to know. My ex and I feel the same and I would never want our children to feel anxious that we cannot be in the same room together and when it comes to school concerts, parents evenings or school meetings we will do our best to attend together and discuss important decisions relating to our children.

This is entirely one of those "it depends" scenarios. SIL has tried similar and it always backfires. DD's BFF's parents don't do anything as formal as this, but they do regularly all get together as needed - birthday parties, school events etc, sometimes with the SM too. MIL and FIL divorced after their children were all adults but there's never been an problem with doing "family meals" or big events.

A friend's exH wants to do this - ie have dinner in the family home together on one of his evenings with the DC (he has one evening in the week and one overnight on Friday or Saturday) but she's told him to get stuffed. He walked out, she didn't want her marriage to end, and she sees no reason to facilitate his relationship with the children by going back to being the cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner etc.

We do mothers day/fathers day and kids birthday. I offered to do Christmas but the children requested they have Christmas separately with both parents. No more than that really, it's not necessary. We interact alot throughout the week on pick ups/drop offs and sometimes will stop for a cuppa etc.
Honestly you need to have very very clear boundaries and be mindful of other parents feelings.

My friend and her ex-husband do this (very recently divorced) with their child (albeit not every week), but as far as I know they always go somewhere neutral like a restaurant or cafe. It seems to be working well for them and their child.

Yes I’m really hoping we can celebrate our children’s birthdays together if we are both off work. The issue now is the in laws/my parents as mine announced that they would refuse to set foot in the old marital home and “pretend everything is okay” so it’ll be difficult to navigate that.

This really isn't good for you.

I’m so glad to hear that people do this and it works. We are taking inspiration from the Scandinavians when it comes to navigating divorce! We are working hard to be grown up and amicable.

I would have liked to do this, especially for the children. Unfortunately the OW wouldn't allow him to.
I think the more amicable, the better. It's a shame your parents ILs can't see that.

My brother and his ex wife do similar things to this. Including holidays. It has worked well for them for many years now.

We will always work together and hopefully always respect the others boundaries. We also have a disabled child so honestly we do not have the option to not communicate and be on good terms when it comes to important decisions and attending appointments together. We have to remain friendly.

That’s great that they have a positive relationship. As stated in my previous comment we have a disabled child and I like the idea of taking them out as a “family” to places that just one parent might struggle on their own.

It’s very early days so hopefully they will eventually come around.

If you can stay on good terms and if you meet new partners who are also okay with group meet ups it can be really good for the children.

I have two step kids who are grown now but all four of us - parents and both step parents have been able to get along together for all big occasions over the years.

As the child of divorced parents I would have hated it if I am honest. Nice day together as a family and then one parent goes off to their own house and we go back to another house with the other parent

I just think that would be a bit of a mind fuck and very unsettling

One is a teenager and one is 9. I have absolutely no intention of (ever!) getting romantically involved with anyone again. Who knows if ex would in the future? I guess we would have to cross that bridge when it comes to it.

My ex and I have been doing this for 10 years, but it probably helps that there has been no new partner emerging on either side.

It started out shaky, but we've managed so far and my daughter accepted a long time ago that there would be no reunion. Now she says she's enjoyed us getting on being able to do things together.

@alcoholnightmare I worry he'll break your heart all over again if he finds someone. I hope you're working on disentangling your heart/emotions before then 💐.

Thanks for your input, it’s good to see it from the other side too.

@LightB It works for my ex and I and dc. We have dinner at each other’s houses. We have times when we do family activities together. We navigate our co parenting relationship focusing on what is best for dc and for what works for us. We have been doing this for several years now. I think we get along better as exes who have remained friends and co parents. There are many different kinds of family dynamics out there and the nuclear family isn’t the only one.

I very much related to Mayim Bialik on her views on family and co parenting.

https://www.today.com/today/amp/tdna102287

Also wanted to add that I grew up with divorced parents who hated each other. And it was awful. I never ever wanted to put dc through that. And luckily for me and dc my ex felt the same way. I guess the key is that we were both on the same page of how we wanted to protect dc and were able to put any animosity behind us.

This. It's confusing for the children.
Better to keep it to birthdays and special days only.

We went on a few holidays too, it was after a couple of years though. But still had family meals together for occasions in the first year.