Not To Invite Mum On Holiday

[KT1113]

I'm a single parent to 4, but only have 3 at home.

My mum has been an absolute rock since my husband left, he sees the kids 3 hours a week, so she steps in and helps with anything I need when I'm stuck for a second pair of hands.

Last year and the year before I paid for us all to go on holiday (her included). It worked out not much more to add her on and I'm happy to pay for her when I can afford it as she does so much for us.

This year the children have asked to go to Dubai. I'm happy with that as I went years ago and loved it. It would be far too hot for mum and she wouldn't enjoy the activities they are wanting to do now either. In addition to that, now I have more confidence with travelling with the children, I'd quite like to take them by myself, kind of to 'prove' to myself I can do it. Also, the holiday to Dubai is more expensive than the previous holidays as it is in half term, so I couldn't comfortably offer to pay for another adult this time.

I have booked it and haven't told her yet, as I feel like I'm being unkind not including her this year😔I think she'll be expecting for us all to go away later in the year as it has become the norm. Should I have offered/how can I let her know we are going alone in a kind way. I'd hate to damage our relationship, although I may well be overthinking it!

Could you take her for a long weekend in the UK as well, somewhere she likes?

I think it's fine. Next time you see her just say Just to let you know the 3 kids and I are off to Dubai at half term. No need to say anything further at all but the longer you leave it the more it becomes a thing.

I think you should have told her in advance of booking exactly what you’ve said here. It’s quite cruel to be presenting her with a fait accompli that omits her, if she’s been a total rock since your separation, and is expecting to go on holiday with you again this year.

"I'd quite like to take them by myself, kind of to 'prove' to myself I can do it"

Just tell her that. She'll understand.

Also explain the kids want to go to Dubai. Ask her how she’d feel about the heat? Are you sure it’s too much for her or it’s down to cost? Please be upfront with her.

Tell her now, and explain your reasons.

She might have issues with you going to Dubai, but that's another thread.

Tell her why - your reasons are sound - and take her away for the weekend.

yes I'd make it out to be a challenge that you want to conquer of taking them away on your own.

To someone who is your extra pair of hands, you need a bit more than that.

As said, explain it as you have here. Tell her that the kids want to go to Dubai and that it's an activity based holiday. Given the cost there won't be any room for compromise. Also that you'd like to push yourself to go alone. Do it face-to-face. I'm similar to your Mum, but I like the break when they are on holiday. Realistically as she ages, she'd be travelling to be left alone a lot of the time, especially if she doesn't like being out in the heat.

She likely won't even want to go to Dubai. I bet she'll be relieved.

I agree with this. Having an upfront discussion with all your reasons is one thing. Telling her you've booked something without her would be really quite hurtful I imagine

Yeah she definitely wouldn't want to go there, I think she'll be relieved she isn't expected to come there but disappointed we aren't all going somewhere else together.

How has it been badged in the past? As a "thank you" trip for her or just a "can you come and help me" trip? will she gets a holiday if she doesn't come with you? If it's usually the way you thank her and she won't get a holiday without you then I think it's a bit unkind but you are within your rights to not make it a every year thing but I think you just need to figure out another way to thank her. If you don't think she will mind too much then just tell her and explain your reasoning.

When you have included her on your holidays in the past have you included her in any of the planning or discussion of where and when to go? If you know this is likely her only holiday, and something she looks forward to, why did you not tell her when you started looking at Dubai? If the situation was reversed, and you were suddenly not able to go on holiday because she refused to come too, how would you feel? Treat other people as you would like to be treated.

I think she will be more put out about it because it’s already booked. She might have said she’ll pay for herself and wld be happy to do to her thing when your doing the activities she wouldn’t like.

Does she have anyone else to go on holiday with? If the answer is no then she might be really hurt that you didn’t talk to her first and just excluded her completely.

Is there a reason why you couldn’t bring yourself to tell her beforehand, OP? I mean, your reasons are all perfectly valid — you know it’s not somewhere she wants to go, you can’t afford to pay for her, the children do, and you want to ‘test’ yourself in terms of solo holidaying.

But presumably she’d have seen all that if you’d told her before you booked, and it would have seemed far less rejecting. I mean, if you’re worried about hurting her feelings, having an honest conversation about your plans before they were made would be far less likely to have caused any hurt.

Why don't you look at doing a wee caravan holiday or something in the UK- you can get some good deals

Can you go on a long weekend somewhere altogether? Even if it’s a few months later? Then you could say you’ve booked Dubai and give your reasons, and also say what does she think about a long weekend away with you all?

Its just been an "I'm going to take the girls away, do you want to come, my treat?" in the past. She probably wouldn't go away if she doesn't come with us to be honest no. She's too nervous to go anywhere alone, so that's my main worry. If she was to go off and do her own thing, I wouldn't feel bad at all.

I think the suggestions of booking a little break for all of us somewhere else might work well x

She's so so lovely that's all, I just feel bad telling her we haven't included her in this, as we're her whole world and I don't want her to think we don't love her and value spending time with her. Although I know I've ended up doing the opposite by not being upfront.

I think - regardless of all of your other specific reasons, which are good ones- it’s fine to have holidays with a family member for the first couple of years after divorce/ separation, but it doesn’t mean it’s tied in forever.

We did holidays with my Mum in the first few years after my divorce, and they were nice, but often didn’t quite work, with differing needs and preferences etc.

I think she also thought she was doing us a favour by coming rather than actually wanting to come, so your Mum might feel the same way!

YANBU for wanting to go but YABU for not telling her before booking. Could you do a long weekend away with her at some point later in the year?

Ultimately if she really did want to come, we would of course take her. I know she can't afford to pay for herself and so would be down to me, but I would make it work somehow. Just ideally wanted to do things a bit more at the kids pace and explore rather than chilling round the pool all week.

I think you've made a perfectly reasonable thing awkward for yourself by not saying something earlier. As soon as you suspected your mum might think there would be plans that included her, you should have put her straight and said you were actually thinking of booking Dubai, then added the things you've said here on the thread. If your mum is a decent reasonable woman she won't have any issue at all at not going in a holiday at your expense that she wouldnt enjoy, but you do need to tell her quickly so she knows where she stands.

You are 1000% correct, I absolutely should have been upfront at the start