AIBU DH best friends with ex

[Strategies25]

This is really hard for me to write- and it’s the last thing I need as I’m battling with lots of other problems at the moment.

in a throw away comment yesterday I realised that DH and his ex message each other all the time about their day etc.

they have a son together, and I know they message a lot about him. And he’s always bragging about how great they get on and never make any issues etc, and they put their son first.

But I was pretty unhappy to find out they also message each other as friends- even when it has nothing to do with their son.

for context me and DH barely message at all. Max once per day before we lived together. Now once per week.

He really defended their friendship and in his mind the messaging as friends reinforces their relationship and makes Co parenting easier.

I just generally don’t think it’s right for your husband to be messaging his ex all the time??

for context we’ve been together 6 years and see each other as soulmates etc. we’ve been really strong.

the ex has 5 children all with different dads. Since we’ve been together she’s had another baby and lived with 5-6 men.

I don’t feel she’s a particular threat. But I also don’t think it’s ok for your husband to be messaging another woman all the time??

When your partner has a child with an ex they’re connected for life. In your shoes I think I’d be glad they have an amicable co-parenting relationship, as the alternative can be so awful. And no, I don’t think it’s reasonable to try to police the content of their messages, with only strictly child-focused content being allowed.

Why is it relevant how many children she has by how many different fathers? Or how many men she has lived with since she split with your DH? This says a lot about your contempt for this woman!

If you don’t like, ask DH to keep communication about the children, if he says no then decide if you can live with that.

Ultimately, they have to be in touch since they share a child, it’s perfectly acceptable to have friends of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship, you have no cause for concern over the content of the messages and you risk affecting their coparenting relationship over your insecurities if you’re not careful and jeopardising your relationship with your DH

I don't think that it's intrinsically a problem for him to be friends with her. It only becomes an issue if his friendship with her takes away from your relationship. In light of the fact that you didn't even realise he was that friendly with her, it doesn't sound like your relationship is suffering in any way.

Having said that, I wouldn't want DH to be that friendly with anyone - male or female - and to hvae MORE communication with another person than he has with me. eg I'd be upset if I discovered he was talking to his friend/s about things and not telling me (obviously, the odd thing you talk to friends about and not your Dh for a good reason, but I mean day to day).

It doesn’t sound like you trust your soul mate

Comparing how often they message and you message when you live in the same house and presumably talk is not a fair comparison.

Your title also says best friends, from the message that's not really clear, or just good friends, and best friend is a bit primary school.

I’ve been fully supportive of their Co-parenting relationship, but finding out they text each other about their day is upsetting.

he loved her and thought she was the one for him. They only split up because she moved onto a new man. He wouldn’t have split up with her.

id be upset if he had a close female friend he messaged all the time. The fact that it’s his ex makes it worse in my opinion.

He sounds like a caring co parent....after reading some off the horror story's on this site...you are being very unreasonable...their child will benefit parent that are still friends

the ex has 5 children all with different dads. Since we’ve been together she’s had another baby and lived with 5-6 men.

The godless HOOR!!

Anyway, irrelevant information aside, why compare the amount of times he messages her with the amount of times he messages you? You live together presumably. Surely he can just talk to you?

Yeah it’s too much. It’s very intimate.

So you didn't know all this before you married him?

I agree with you OP.

I think co parenting their child is one thing but as a married man being so emotionally entwined with her is not appropriate and definitely not fair on you.

It sounds like she is still his primary relationship and you are the third wheel in this set up. It's quite telling that he has kept the extent of his level of involvement with her from you up until now.

I think you should be asking him to put boundaries into his relationship with her and confine his communication with her to parenting issues. If he refuses to do so to set your mind at rest then you will know where you stand in his priorities.

Thank you @SummertimealreadyI did say that last night.

I said I can’t control what she messages him- but it’s not appropriate in my eyes for him to be messaging her about his general day which has nothing to do with the children.

there have been a couple of instances over the years when issues around her came up - both times interestingly when she didn’t have a boyfriend.

the downside of all the love in boyfriend’s is the toll it takes on their son- and the impact that then has on me, my house and my children. As he comes over like a complete wreck.

anyway I’ve had a sense of unease about her from our first date. I thought we’d dealt with the issues- which is why I don’t like it flaring up again.

I think it's great that he is friendly with his ex - this can only be beneficial for the child they share. They will always be inextricably linked by being his parents.

What exactly is it that you're concerned about? Do you think he's still in love with her?

Why would he text you more? He lives with you!

It’s good he is supportive of her and they have a good relationship.

I would definitely not be happy with this, especially so as the break up was not his choice. There is stoking going on here that extends beyond a co parenting relationship. Even if nothing ever happened between them, there's an intimacy there I would be uncomfortable about. As to what you can do about it, I don't know. You want him to either not want to have this level of friendship with her or realise it is jeopardising you guys and pull back of his own violition but that's not looking likely. And if you come down hard it's a bit mean mommy stopping him frpm being friends. There are no great outcomes - I think you have a lot of thinking to do.

It sounds like you aren’t his confidante, that he goes outside the relationship for chat and fun leaving you with the drudgery. I wouldn’t like that.

Two separate issues.

I don't think it should be a problem that he's friends with his ex. Im good friends with mine, we help each other out, it helps us to co parent our two children. My partner has zero issues with this, our relationship is loving and open and trusting and solid. If ex says something amusing about the kids when they're with him I'll show DP sometimes.

this leads to the bigger problem. Your husband doesn't send messages to you, he also didn't tell you they were messaging as much as they are. I would say that's a bigger problem and if you fix that, you'll not worry so much about their friendship. She's no threat and they have a child.

It's seemingly like emotionally cheating, I get why you're upset op.

I think this summarises things well. It's the issues with your partner and his communication and secrecy, not the ex.

I think it’s inappropriate and I don’t actually think it’s good for the child involved to see the parents so friendly. Polite and friendly over childcare arrangements etc then that’s nice. Helping each other if one of them is ill then great.
Constant every day chit chat I think is disrespectful to the new partners and quite confusing/ unfair to the child. Surely they must think if mum and dad are such good friends then why couldn’t they make the effort to stay together as my life would have been easier.

I agree that you have nothing to be jealous of but I think it’s quite disrespectful to you and not in the child’s best interests because it’s showing poor boundaries.

My children’s dad is now re married. I wouldn’t dream of contacting him when they are on holiday or at home at the weekend. It’s inappropriate and unfair. I would text him if I needed to regarding our children. In reality that is hardly ever. I’m happy to sit with him and his wife at events, which are few and far between. There is absolutely no need for constant communication.

This is just my opinion and I’m aware other people think it’s fine to remain very good friends with an ex despite having a new partner and there being no necessity for the communication.

YANBU. I would hate this too.
May be you feel he would go back to her if she was single, since you mentioned other issues come up when she is.
I'd be really uncomfortable with this, and I've been in your situation with an ex who used to still shag her on the side. He'd pretend to be at work when in reality he was meeting her in her car and hotels.

As a PP said, it’s as if she is his primary relationship - all the texting and sharing and joking - and you are his domestic mate. It’s not ok for it to be balanced like this, to your detriment. It’s a question of loyalty and priorities.

And yes of course it’s positive to be on good terms for co-parenting. But this goes way beyond that.

I also don’t think it’s ok for your husband to be messaging another woman all the time??

This is a you problem because it's perfectly OK for people to message their friends about their day, and it's perfectly OK for them to have friends of the opposite sex. I have literally just messaged a male friend about what I'm doing today!

Obviously you message people you don't live with more than people you do live with. My WhatsApp chat with DP mostly consists of recipes we bung in there to remember later and shopping lists. My chats with my friends are much more exciting and we use actual sentences.

Yes @theleafandnotthetree. It’s the level of intimacy that I’m unhappy about.

I noticed it from their very first text message I saw when we were on our 4th date, and a message popped up.

also they always had laughing conversations on the phone- but not in my earshot any more.

she will call him and launch straight into a conversation in a really intimate way- and he’ll do it too- they’ll always start half way through an in joke.

but anyway he genuinely felt he was doing nothing wrong, so would have those conversations in front of me.

but he’d said with one of her boyfriends she only called him from the car, as the boyfriend was unhappy with their chats

I think this is all very reasonable and sensible. I think boundaries and clarity are so important for THE most important people in the circle, the children. As you point out, the child may hope for reconciliation, not form.a good bond with a step parent or be resentful that they are the ones schlepping from house to house while the adults are getting along famously. There is a middle ground where people are respectful, supportive and sometimes put themselves out for the other but within very firm boundaries as to the nature of the relationship