AIBU DH best friends with ex

[Strategies25]

This is really hard for me to write- and it’s the last thing I need as I’m battling with lots of other problems at the moment.

in a throw away comment yesterday I realised that DH and his ex message each other all the time about their day etc.

they have a son together, and I know they message a lot about him. And he’s always bragging about how great they get on and never make any issues etc, and they put their son first.

But I was pretty unhappy to find out they also message each other as friends- even when it has nothing to do with their son.

for context me and DH barely message at all. Max once per day before we lived together. Now once per week.

He really defended their friendship and in his mind the messaging as friends reinforces their relationship and makes Co parenting easier.

I just generally don’t think it’s right for your husband to be messaging his ex all the time??

for context we’ve been together 6 years and see each other as soulmates etc. we’ve been really strong.

the ex has 5 children all with different dads. Since we’ve been together she’s had another baby and lived with 5-6 men.

I don’t feel she’s a particular threat. But I also don’t think it’s ok for your husband to be messaging another woman all the time??

You're in danger of damaging a relationship you value with pointless jealousy. The important thing here is stability for your stepchild, and a good, strong friendship between his parents is something that will help, given that your DH's ex seems to live an unstable life.

Stop spoiling a good situation for no reason, be supportive of SS, be glad you aren't dealing with an angry, resentful relationship between your DH and his ex, and if your first description of your relationship is true, that it is strong and you are soulmates, start trusting him. If you don't trust him, then your relationship isn't strong and you are not soulmates.

Thanks @Tekknonan! I needed to hear that!

things are good between us on the whole - so I’m conscious I’m going down a bit of a rabbit hole about this. And in 6 years it’s not really been an issue.

I completely get your position. My only warning / advice is be very careful - he is welcome to have a chatty fun supportive friends type relationship with her, as others have said this is positive for coparenting....the only time this becomes a problem is when the news and trivia of the day are shared primarily and first with her, and then second hand and less enthusiastically with you....these trivial minutiae are the cement that builds intimacy and closeness. And if they are communicating this often through the day, every day, and only intermittently with you, chances are that the freshness and excitement are shared with her and only distantly with you right at the end of th eday. Their closeness is not a dealbreaker, but defend your intimacy.

Just dump him.

It's not worth years of arguing.

Im not a jealous type but the writing is on the wall: he clearly wants her company more than yours in the day because he's calling and texting her and not you.

Why accept second best? You could literally dump him and find someone who wants your company as much as he wants hers.

And in 6 years it’s not really been an issue.

I think this is the key thing, really. It hasn't been an issue to date, and you've said that you don't think she is a particular threat. So I don't really see that there's an issue tbh.

I was going to say I'd be fine with it, until you said that! And that issues have come up when she's between boyfriends. I think enough is enough and I wouldn't be happy with them being friends. They don't need to be friends. Amicable exes and co parents yes, friends no. You are not wrong to be concerned. And she's clearly not a friend of your marriage at all, if all the comms are with him privately.
She sounds like she is exposing her kids to all sorts of randomers, so why is he friends with her when it's affecting his child badly? If my ex was doing that I would be really cross, not bessy mates.
It's fine to have boundaries and to want to be prioritised in your marriage. Stick up for yourself.

😂😂😂

This 100%. I've been in this exact situation and I should have kicked off about it much earlier.

I don’t think your soulmates from his behaviour
he can have a great co parenting relationship but this sounds more intimate than that and it sounds like he’s settled for you
I don’t know if id want to be settled for…

I understand exactly why you feel this way. This goes beyond basic friendship or co parenting. He puts a lot of time and energy into the connection and intimacy with his ex that he doesn’t put into you. If he texts the ex 5 times a day, talking about all different things and catching up - but couldn’t do the same to you (pre living together) that’s a real problem.

There are three in this relationship and you are often sidelined.

I'm not saying he doesn't love you but it sounds like he still carries a torch for the ex and she's able to take advantage of that because they share a child.
The continuing closeness makes him feel less dumped. He'll enjoy feigning sympathy about her break ups (I don't blame him for that) and the fact that she (apparently) still needs him other than for co-parenting.
She's maintaining a safety net for herself as well as for their child as she moves from one relationship to another.
I don't imagine she wants him back; she's just keeping him warm under the grill so to speak.
I think they should consider your feelings and restrict their exchanges to mutual child related matters.
I wonder if she's just as pally with all her other baby daddies after she's split from them? If so she must be almost permanently on her phone and have very little time to properly parent all her children.

Is that because it's not been an issue or because it's been hidden from you ?

Just another viewpoint. I'm best friends with my ex, and we co-parent successfully. Up until recently, we would text daily, just general chit chat, not serious. his new gf has got the hump with this, made him de-friend me on facebook and we are now only chatting (raely) about our son.

I have known this man for over 20 years, and because his new gf is an insecure little madam, who has thrown her toys out of the pram, all of our history is currently out the window.

Let me be clear, there are no feelings on either side, barring a long friendship. Neither of us wants to be together (honestly, it would be like sleeping with my brother 😷), but all those years of friendship and respect are gone cause his gf simply can't understand that we have built a trusting friendship with the father of my child.

I have stepped back a lot since they started dating; he has moved country to be with this woman, yet it's still not enough. She needs to control how much / what we speak about. Get a grip!

If you were so uncomfortable from your first date on with their being best friends as well as co-parenting, why did you marry him?

It sounds to me like you're jealous that he has an emotional closeness to her that he doesn't have with you. Do you think he's still carrying a torch for her?