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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not wanting to move in with my bf in his moms home when she passes

36 replies

Littlediduknowhums · 04/06/2025 22:40

For not wanting to move in with my bf in his moms home when she passes? My bf been talking about it that we will save lots of money by doing so if she ends up passing one day, but i really don’t want to.. my mil smokes inside the home where her home litteraly smells smoke as soon as u enter and REALLY BAD.. and she also has a small dog that have scraped up the parquet and doors and near window.. and redecorate the whole house will litteraly be so expensive.. and i don’t even like her house that much that i would want to live there tbh, i know this sounds a bit harsh but i also want us to own our own home to make new memories if we have kids togheter.

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 04/06/2025 22:50

Of course YANBU.

I mean, if you are ready to move in together, it seems an odd plan anyway, unless she is in her final few days.

In truth, even if there weren't the issue with it smelling of smoke, it can be quite difficult to move in to someone else's home (as in, with the person who is still living there). A much healthier start would be to get your own place together, which is new to you both.

Original poster
Littlediduknowhums · 04/06/2025 22:56

@CarpetKnees
My bf thinks she dosn’t has long since shes a heavy smoker. Wich i told him duud why think about that now and especially the home thing. Even if she wasn’t alive it wouldn’t feel like my home or a place i would call home. I honestly think it would do us better to have our own place to call home and make new memories in a new place instead of his moms home. And i think it also would depress me thinking that this used to be his moms home before.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 04/06/2025 23:02

If you're at the stage of thinking about having children, presumably BF's mother isn't particularly aged? If she doesn't have a specific illness, it's pretty vile of him to be sizing up her house.
I hope she lives to 97 and leaves it to charity.
Why on earth do you want to be with someone this mercenary?

Createausername1970 · 04/06/2025 23:04

The ONLY way I would agree to this is if it was completely refurbished/decorated. And this was at least started BEFORE I moved in, not promised at some unspecified point in the future.

I wouldn't potentially want to live in a shrine to my partner's parents/or his childhood if it were the family home.

So a very serious conversation would need to be had. This would be my home too and I would expect it to reflect that.

Edited to say I thought she was on her last legs, but from your update she isn't. So no, it's a non-starter - and potentially so is he. I am all for not spending money unnecessarily, but he is coming across as mercenary, someone with moths in their wallet. That doesn't bode well.

IReallyLoveItHere · 04/06/2025 23:07

Assuming mum is comfortably on her way out....

You won't save much money moving in there as opposed to selling it and buying another.

But also if its the right size in the right location it'd be cheaper to keep it, chuck everything out and pay for a thorough clean and redecoration than paying selling and buying fees. I'd be fine with it.

Away2000 · 04/06/2025 23:21

I’d be more concerned about him talking about the benefits of his mother’s death before she’s even ill. Surely if you are of the age to be starting to think about kids then she’s not going to be that old? Many smokers live to old age and your children could be grown by that point.

S0j0urn4r · 04/06/2025 23:27

You don't want to. That's all the reason you need. You get to decide where you'll live.

Original poster
Littlediduknowhums · 04/06/2025 23:37

@IReallyLoveItHere nope especially with all that have to come with redecorate and all the cleaning costs since not only smoke smell and wall covered in it but also her dog that is clawing all over the home. And also is a bit far away than i wish to live, and even if its not the ugliest house its not a house i would want to live in and call my home. And raise if we have kids in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlediduknowhums · 05/06/2025 03:08

S0j0urn4r · 04/06/2025 23:27

You don't want to. That's all the reason you need. You get to decide where you'll live.

@S0j0urn4r i did told him if he wants to move there sure but i don’t think id be going with him. I rather have my own place to live than living in a house that used to be someone we knew that has passed

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlediduknowhums · 05/06/2025 03:20

Createausername1970 · 04/06/2025 23:04

The ONLY way I would agree to this is if it was completely refurbished/decorated. And this was at least started BEFORE I moved in, not promised at some unspecified point in the future.

I wouldn't potentially want to live in a shrine to my partner's parents/or his childhood if it were the family home.

So a very serious conversation would need to be had. This would be my home too and I would expect it to reflect that.

Edited to say I thought she was on her last legs, but from your update she isn't. So no, it's a non-starter - and potentially so is he. I am all for not spending money unnecessarily, but he is coming across as mercenary, someone with moths in their wallet. That doesn't bode well.

Edited

@Createausername1970
i would feel disgusted living in a house that smells smoke all over it and walls looking yellow because of it and seeing floors and windows and doors scratched up by the dog.
and this would not feel like my home even if it was decorated or refurbished, i would still think it belongs to his mom and always will. That it would never feel like home to me

(didn’t mean to quote it)

OP posts:
Macklemup · 05/06/2025 03:53

He sounds ghastly speculating she may go sooner than later and save him rent.
What a prince🙄
Yuck

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 05/06/2025 08:14

You say ‘not wanting to move in with’ your boyfriend. So is this all just theoretical - a ‘what would we do one day if’ sort of thing - and you currently live together / own or saving for somewhere or is your boyfriend still living at home with his mum and delaying your living together or buying somewhere based upon the thought (hope?) that his mother will die soon. And, from what you have said, the only reason he thinks his mother is going to die soon is because she smokes?

If this is just a ‘what would we do with an inheritance one day’ thing, then fine. But if your boyfriend is delaying setting down with you and spinning you a line that you can move in when his mother shuffles off this mortal coil, run away now!

Naunet · 05/06/2025 08:41

Well you'd be rather dim to move into a house that only he owns and plunge all your money into it, even if you loved it. Why does he think that makes any sense for you to do?

Macklemup · 05/06/2025 08:47

Is he seriously suggesting you invest money in a house only he owns?
Does he really think you are that dim?

FrenchandSaunders · 05/06/2025 08:49

Christ I hope my kids and their partners aren’t talking about my ‘ghastly house’ and what they want to do with it when I’m gone!

the7Vabo · 05/06/2025 08:54

Macklemup · 05/06/2025 03:53

He sounds ghastly speculating she may go sooner than later and save him rent.
What a prince🙄
Yuck

This is the biggest issue here.

I have young children. I would be devastated if they grow up to value me so little that they would speculate with a partner that I might pass away soon & discuss the financial benefits for them!!

Id consider this conversation in bad taste if she was terminally ill. She isn’t even that. My granny was a heavy smoker she lived well into her 80s. Not uncommon.

Both of you need to plan your own life and stand on your own two feet without discussing this poor woman’s life span.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 05/06/2025 09:01

It's a bit weird that he's so focused on what he can do with her house after her death when she's not actually dying..... This would be worrying me. He can do what he likes but your plans should be based on your needs and wants not on helping him with the bills/ cleaning/ turning it into a home etc

RareGoalsVerge · 05/06/2025 09:02

Definitely not being unreasonable. Any woman would hate that.

But reframe your objections to be about respect (!) rather than how much you'd hate it.

"Oh but this house is so much your mum's home, and every inch of it is clearly hers not ours. When the time comes, we will need a clean slate, that we can make our home in without it feeling disrespectful every time we change something."

Sounds like that house needs to be sold to a redeveloper who can gut it entirely and turn it into the blank slate for some other family. If you move in you will never exorcise the continuing presence of your MIL in every nook and cranny where her leftovers are still hanging around.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 05/06/2025 09:07

You'll be moved in when she is still alive but needs help with self care .

Bet the farm on it !!!

Purplebunnie · 05/06/2025 09:11

Your argument over how much it would cost to redecorate is not really persuasive. Selling the house with all the costs and fees and then buying another will cost far more and the new house may have had a dog or a smoker in it. I get why you don't want to move in there when the unfortunate happens but you need a better argument, it wouldn't wash with me if I was your BF

healthybychristmas · 05/06/2025 09:18

How old is this poor woman? Is she at death's door or is this wishful thinking on his part?

Megifer · 05/06/2025 09:22

Urgh I wouldn't want to be with someone so callous tbh. He's already got his sights on her house and she's not even at deaths door yet? Really really grim. Shows a lot about his character.

BIossomtoes · 05/06/2025 09:23

Sounds like he’s jumping the gun. She’s not even ill and he’s planning for when she’s dead. Do you really want to have a family with this prince?

Megifer · 05/06/2025 09:24

I hope she leaves the house to a rabbit charity.

MoosakaWithFries · 05/06/2025 09:26

Here's me thinking his DM is on her death bed.

I'd run for the hills and create my own life rather than be part of this. He has such a warped way of thinking.