To want to scream

[idonethisthing]

Five kids, two of them babies. Littlest one is teething and just screams ALL THE TIME. I do all housework and laundry etc, he works. And plays golf a lot.

A mechanic has come round and his evening to fix his car and so far he’s spent an hour out there with this guy. Chatting. Avoiding responsibility, you get the gist. I’ve had ENOUGH. What can I do about this? How can I make him see? I think he genuinely believes his own bullshit.

Vasectomy? Carried out by your good self?

Why do you do all housework and laundry? Because you’re a woman?

Leave him with all 5 children regularly? Stop doing any laundry or cooking for him, maybe.

Start embarrassing him - go outside and loudly say in the hope neighbours will hear too “darling, you aren’t a mechanic, but you are a parent, so please come in now and help with bathtime for our five children. Thanks”

Er, why five kids? You presumably realized what he was going to be like as a father after the first two . . .

Be brave . Stand up to DH, you’re letting him do what he wants without home tasks etc..he s not going to change and will continue unless you confront him
Screaming within you, in silence ..DH is not going to hear

Keep score for a week. Every minute of leisure time he gets, you get the next week.
Tell him he’s the default parent once you’ve left the house. Then turn your phone off.

Don't clean his washing for a month?

Good question. I guess I’ve been conditioned by the mother who did everything whilst my Dad sat on his arse.
But there is also an element of wanting these things done properly, and I know that he won’t meet my standards.

He thinks I do nothing, I’m sure. I’m so tired of arguing about the division of labour within the household.

I know that he won’t meet my standards.
That's a you problem.

You need to be unavailable. You’re clearly overdue a spa day with friends. Leave him to look after the kids for a day. Do not help him. Turn your phone off.

Time to leave OP.

Do you have a job? Are you married? He’s not going to suddenly change, and why would he when he has everything exactly the way he wants it?

I can’t argue with him and win. He has a list as long as my arm of why he’s so good and another of why I’m so shit. Apparently because he brings me a coffee in bed and leaves me alone for a bit that means he gets to go off for 6 hours with his mates to play golf. I can’t even walk the dog without him calling me to ask when I’m back because it’s ‘hard’. Yeah, I know. It’s really hard and add all of the housework on top and life admin and then come and talk to me.

I know that you are correct. But I don’t want to live in a hovel or have my favourite clothes shrunk in the wash. My standards are quite high, admittedly. But I like my things and I like my clean home. I’ve worked hard for it and I don’t see why I should let it go because the person I live with is a slob.

@idonethisthing how often does DH destroy your self esteem with his list of why you’re “shit” as you say?

I don’t know really. It’s usually as a result of me losing my shit to be fair, and then he’ll tell me what he’s done to help me. I know he does a lot, but I really think he thinks I do fuck all. I have a household of 7 people and apart from us two ‘adults’ everyone is under the age of 15. There’s a toddler and an 11 month old. Who does he think cleans, changes beds, deals with dirty clothes etc? 🤷‍♀️

If you’re not happy then you need to leave OP, you can’t change him.

@idonethisthing you say he does a lot? You told him that have you?

Book yourself in for a day of golf. Leave for 6 hours and do whatever you like. Then let him tell you a single reason why it's acceptable for him to do that and not you. Do this as regularly as he does. Don't put up with it. He knows what he's doing. He'll do it as long as you let him. And you're letting him.

@Mrsttcno1 its clear OP is not happy! There’s children to consider, leaving should be last resort

The bit about him reeling off a list of things bad about you makes him sound like a nasty piece of work. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with him?

Hats off to you. 5 kids sounds like torture. I've got 2 , a 3 year old and 5 months old and find every day is just survival for us. It's relentless

The fact that he thinks he is "helping you" rather than doing his basic fair share is demonstrative of the issue. He thinks that all child and domestic tasks are yours, instead of being equally shared.

If he makes you feel like shit and does nothing, then I would question the point of the relationship.

@idonethisthing i think pampering weekend at a spa for you and a best friend is on cards, take his golf clubs with you😀, leave DH with kids…, Wht you think 🤔