To want to scream

[idonethisthing]

Five kids, two of them babies. Littlest one is teething and just screams ALL THE TIME. I do all housework and laundry etc, he works. And plays golf a lot.

A mechanic has come round and his evening to fix his car and so far he’s spent an hour out there with this guy. Chatting. Avoiding responsibility, you get the gist. I’ve had ENOUGH. What can I do about this? How can I make him see? I think he genuinely believes his own bullshit.

OP has specifically said “I have had enough. What can I do about this?”

The ONLY answer is leave. A man who got her pregnant 5 times and can’t be arsed to be a dad isn’t going to suddenly change after a few chats or a stern word- he doesn’t give a fuck. So it’s really simple, either accept it & stay, or leave.

First post nails it.

Do the older children have chores?

@EveryOtherNameTaken ..nails it……, mind boggles what OP will ‘nail …😀

I didn’t want to post a long rambling OP to begin with but obviously now I need to clarify. I was married for 13 years before meeting my current partner. The first 3 children are mine and he does do his fair share. He does most of the school runs and has been doing most of the night feeds with out baby since I stopped breastfeeding, which I did quite early on.

its the constant ‘I did this, you didn’t do this’ shit that is causing a rift.

@idonethisthing he s having his ‘me time’ but you’re not, I’m sensing tht s the issue in a nutshell?

Bingo with the fucking spa day, as if that solves anything...

Yes, I think so. He goes to work and does a job that is more fun than it is chore. He plays golf with his friends. He visits his family and goes on city breaks with them. Meanwhile, as I say, I can’t even find ten minutes for myself. I tried to have a bit of ‘me time’ this morning and have a wank. 🥹 He called me three times and ruined it.
I just wish we could have a bit more equality in the household, but whilst he continues to take the piss and refuse to see my point of view I think the resentment will keep building. I’m 45. I’ve dealt with this before. I was married to a pathetic man child for 13 years and my fuse is short.

Go back to work and pay nursery for the 5 kids between the 2 of you, split it depending on income. Have board with the split of housework and other life admin. Leisure time is to be divided equally. Good luck.

@idonethisthing Do you ever just say you’re doing something away from the kids in the same way he says he’s going to golf?

I felt like you that DH was always socialising and I was stuck at home so I just started telling him I was going out. Which he had to accept if he wanted to have his time away too.

I think this is the only way to stop the bitching to be honest. But I will need to deal with my resentment, when he earns so much for doing so little for about ten hours a week and then I come home after a full day of work to a shithole. He claims that he can’t see it, and I’m beginning to genuinely believe that a man’s idea of tidy and clean isn’t the same as a woman’s?

No that's bullshit, my partner cleans better than I do, it's some men, not all.

I was just trying to think of anything that would get her out of the house for an extended period like the golf does for him. It doesn’t matter what it is.

I guess I’ve been conditioned by the mother who did everything whilst my Dad sat on his arse.

I grew up with this dynamic. I vowed as an early teen this would never be me and I would never run round a man doing everything. I have been married for 30 years to a man who has shared every bit of domestic chores and childcare. Please stop this.

When was the last time he looked after five children alone?

Can you use his money to pay for help? Get a cleaner and a childminder?

How the hell did you get 5 kids deep in this situation??? I don’t care you have 5 kids, sounds lovely, but surely you were hugely turned off by DH shirking his responsibilities? I guess that’s the reproductive urge overlooking the ick. Or did he take up golf after baby 5 and get less and less hands-on the more children you had?

Lower your standards with the housework and speak up more - yes, in front of people as PP suggested!

Your only options are to lower your housework standards and let him help or put up with being the only person who can meet them.

Just copy what he does and see if he thinks it’s reasonable. Tell him you’re going out. Tell him it’s his turn to cook/clean etc.

But don’t moan if his hoovering isn’t as thorough as yours.