To think most people settle in their relationships?

[WryJadeWren]

… Not everyone but enough that “happy” and “secure” aren’t always the same thing.

I suppose it depends on your circumstances. Among my friends I don’t think I know anyone who’s settled, and plenty of us have ended relationships which weren’t working out, or stopped dating men or women who weren’t blowing our socks off. But equally, my social circles probably don’t represent a cross-section of society as we’re childfree (so no settling down with Mr or Ms Nice But Boring because you want kids and haven’t much time left) and broadly financially independent (so no staying in a lacklustre relationship because ending it would mean a downgrade in living standards.)

It probably also depends on your life stage: if you and most of the people you know are in the trenches of young children and generally not having much time or energy left to dedicate to each other and your relationship, you’ll hear a lot of frustration and gripes.

Plus, happy people who love their partner don’t generally tend to complain about it very much, so you only hear from those who aren’t happy!

I haven’t ‘settled’ and I never would.

I notice an awful lot of Mumsnetters have settled, though. There are so many threads where the OP has clearly married someone because they wanted kids and a house. There are threads where people basically say “I hardly ever want sex with him and he just sits there watching golf on telly all night every night and everything he does irritates me, but I’m 33, we own our home and I want kids before I’m 35”. Or “I find him physically repulsive and he doesn’t lift a finger in the house but he’s the main breadwinner and I couldn’t afford a nice house or cope with the kids on my own, plus they adore him”. It’s really depressing.

Every single person settles.
Do any of us really believe we are married to the most intelligent, attractive, funny, rich, philanthropic, strong, musical, articulate person in the world?
I bloody hope we are more realistic than that. Every one of us could be better and so could every one of our spouses.
We married the one that was the most suitable (insert own definition of suitability) from the choices we had.

That's not settling. Settling is when you marry someone who doesn't meet your criteria but you want A Partner/kids now

I am perfectly fine with my perfect partner not evening being a blip on most people's radar

I think their are two types of people in this world, people who can't be alone and will tolerate a lot to not be alone and people who are happy to be alone so will only invite a partner in if it enhances their life

I haven’t settled.

I made a conscious decision to wait for the right man to marry. If he hadn’t come along, I would still be single. Better to be single and happy rather than married and miserable.

I can't say that's the case for me or any of my friends in relationships tbh.

Are there aspects of my DH which can drive me bananas sometimes....yes of course that's a normal part of a relationship. Would I love it if he took charge of cooking without flapping and it taking ages?! You bet!

But I've definitely not settled, we laugh together, love each other and he's a brilliant dad and husband.

Generally the few friends I have who had set lists of what they wanted in a bloke are still single. Mainly as their lists were ridiculous rather then a good guy that makes you laugh and you enjoy spending time with who has mutual respect.

I definitely didn’t ‘settle’, but I see definite settling with friends who are divorced and in newer relationships. When you’re older, you don’t have the luxury of waiting for Mr Right.

If you look at your partner and find yourself constantly wishing they were more intelligent, attractive, funny, rich, philanthropic, strong, musical, articulate etc and feeling disappointed or frustrated - then you’ve probably settled. If you look at your partner and know objectively they are not the most intelligent, attractive, funny, rich, philanthropic, strong, musical, articulate etc in the world but know that you have no interest in meeting Mr or Ms Brilliant who is all of those things because your partner is perfect for you and you love them, fancy them, enjoy sex with, like their company and wouldn’t be without them, you probably haven’t. Settling is more about staying with somebody who you don’t feel that way for, and with whom you were hoping you’d be able to overlook it in order to have security / a family / because they were nice and “they’d do.”

I'm not convinced that's true, if you value yourself and get comfortable as an adult being single and you're happy that you can have a wonderful life putting yourself first etc then you won't settle. That not to say it's about finding all those qualities you listed out. I'd no interest in my husband being the best at everything and every interest in finding someone to spend time with who I found attractive, funny, kind and who I fell in love with and had chemistry with. I wouldn't have settled because I didn't see settling as better than just being me by myself

That's not to say my husband is some demi god. He's just someone I really love, respect, find funny, charming, sexy, interesting, thoughtful etc and who works hard, has ambition and earns well from a practical side.

Without falling for someone who fit those criteria I'd just be living a different kind of life. Not everyone settles or would settle

You've put that better than I have but same sentiment

I think people can feel very differently about this. Some people are very determined they must find The One who sets their heart on fire every day, some people would just like companionship from someone they like most of the time, and neither is better than the other. The only 'wrong' way to go about it is to go for one type of relationship when what you really want is something else.

I'm not very romantic or passionate and there's not a lot of guys I could 'settle' for. Is DH perfect? No. Have I ever met anyone else and thought I wished I was with that guy/someone more like that guy? No. So feels like I made the right choice.

I don’t think that’s what ‘settling’ means at all.

Settling doesn’t mean ‘marrying someone who has some human flaws’. It means ‘marrying someone you who isn’t really right for you simply because they can provide something for you’. The something might be a comfortable lifestyle, or children, or status, or security, or even just not being alone.

I don’t think most people settle. But for a lot of people the initial thrill where you’re madly all over each other does settle down after a few years especially when, like someone said, you are in the trenches with young children. You might look at these couples and think they’ve settled because they’re not having as much sex or spending so much time together.

if you both have full on careers and are up half the night with young children, that’s inevitable. The fact that many couples stay together through the stresses of having childen, illness and bereavement shows they probably haven’t settled and that their marriage is strong.

It takes work and staying power to build a strong marriage, a family and a home together through the ups and downs of life. But from the outside looking in, it might look boring.

This.

Settling would suck the life out of me. Nope.

And those who are too selfish carrying with them unrealistic expectations of life, to ever be truly content and settled with a loving partner.

Only one of my friends claims to be happily married but she also claims her entire life is perfect and never complains about anything, even her teenage children, who I know for a fact are not the angels she tells everyone they are.

The rest are all unhappy, divorced, or thinking about divorce. I'm in my mid-40s, and my friends are my age and a bit older.

As for myself, definitely settled, and honestly, DH would probably say the same, both based on personality incompatibility. However, we live very well and have a lot of financial freedom that allows us to sort of live the life we want, even if we might have preferred it without the other most days... I guess I would say that my main source of happiness doesn't come from my spouse and really, never did.

I definitely didn't settle. I don't care about whether or not DH is objectively the richest or most handsome man in the world, I just know that for me, no-one else would measure up to him and there's no-one else I'd rather be with.

I definitely didn't. My husband is genuinely incredible. He's the kindest, warmest person I've ever met, he's so clever and funny, he's absolutely stunning, he adores the children and is magnificent with them, he's hardworking and ambitious, we're morally and ethically aligned, we split things fairly (as a result of which he does much more than me because I'm hampered by ADHD and a birth injury and he isn't), and he loves me so, so much.

I think the happiest people are content with not perfect.

I absolutely haven't. I really scoured to find a match for me. Wasn't sure it would happen. l came close to settling with a few 'maybes' but just couldn't in the end. Found my love though in the end and what a match. We won't have the family I dearly wanted (luckily this isn't critical for him) thanks to me getting cancer but I wouldn't swap him or the love we have for compromising at a younger age. There's nobody who compares to him.

I think if you've spent any time on mumsnet you realise a lot of people settle it's thread after thread of women who live with abusive men, Cocklodgers, cheats and men who don't know how to use a washing machine. Yet certain women will continue to have children with these men and put them above their own children

Yes I think many people definitely "settle" Staying together because they have children and/or it make better financial sense.

Looking at some couples makes me feel glad that I'm on my own!

I "settled" and then spent many years regretting it. Finally divorced after 30+ years and financially crippled because of it. I have a lot of regrets about how long I stayed, but I did the right thing splitting with H. I notice many friends want to see me do badly (and I haven't disappointed them thus far) - it's as if I broke the code sort of thing? Like if I left a dickhead, and it went well, it might put them in a bad light for staying with those they settled for? Not sure, its an uncanny feeling though.

I also have older female friends widowed and divorced who will do anything to be with a man. I can understand some of it as I know how hard its been since I've lived alone, but I wanted to go out with some vestige of self esteem!

I think ‘settled’ has a different meaning to everyone else - we all have different expectations of a partner and life as a couple - and also want we want as individuals in life.

It is easy to look at other relationships and judge, but it’s up to a person what their expectations are and what they’re willing to tolerate (or not).

I don’t think I have settled - for the most part our relationship is great and I feel very lucky we have found each other - but I’m sure there are things I or my partner do that isn’t a dream quality and another person might not accept!

I also think relationships are HARD and it does require a level of patience and perseverance at times. I think some couples give up too easily and quickly!