To think most people settle in their relationships?

[WryJadeWren]

… Not everyone but enough that “happy” and “secure” aren’t always the same thing.

I think this is so true and come across this quite often - men who seem to hate their partner. And yep I have received vitriol from SOME men on remaining single rather than taking up one of the options available to me and I assume those are the men who think women doing this makes it harder for men to find a partner. I also don’t get why I would ever want to live with a “not great” man.

@JHound Yep, these men are upset it reduces their pool of available women. They often are insecure and instead of trying to be better men, they just hope more women will be desperate enough to get with them.

Men as a whole don’t have a great track record of raising their own kids but yet some lose it when women say they don’t want to have any. My theory is it’s because having children often reduces women’s ability to leave crappy men - and they want women to be tied down.

I follow a few child free women online aged 35-45 who are what would be considered slim and conventionally attractive, they also present as happy, very confident and vocal about refusing to settle. The amount of abuse they get from random men is crazy. I think a lot of these men would love to “humble them” by tying them down with a child. It’s actually quite sick.

I was just talking about this the other day with a male friend of mine. He says he settled because he was lonely. He'd just moved to our city for work and didn't know many people; she was available. He ended up getting her pregnant only a few months into the relationship and now, even though things look good on the outside/his partner is happy, he is miserable and pines over his ex. It's sad but he's said he feels like he needs to stay and do the right thing.

@OldMcDonaldHadABigMac That is one of my worst fears. Marrying or having a child with a man who thinks he settled with me and his heart is with his ex.

This. Yes we are really not all the same. I would not say DH is 'the love of my life' but I like having him in my life, he makes it a lot better than if I were on my own. I know as I lived on my own for over 10 years after my first marriage ended and before I met him. I didn't like being on my own much but it was hard to find a man who I was even willing to 'settle for' .

As I have got older, I realise that the couple of men I met who I did 'fall for' were all not a good match for me. I am rubbish at picking good romantic partners. I tried picking them based on 'instict' and 'feelings' and 'attractiveness' but I failed many times over 20 years to find anyone who I could live with or who could live with me long term, yet I didn't like being on my own. With DH, I found him attractive but there was not that physical chemistry that most people say they want in a life partner. Sometimes we argue and he gets on my nerves sometimes but overall after 20 years of marriage, he still makes me laugh, supports me, helps around the place, is a brilliant dad to our DS and my life is immeasurably better for having him in it.

I am perfectly happy married to DH, I really don't want to be alone until I have to be either and he and I are good partners. That works absolutely fine for me. I have had a a lot of 'failures' and 'regrets' in my life but one of the things I think I have done well with is having a solid, life enhancing partnership with DH. It may not be the all encompasing passionate relationship some people want and are not willing to settle without but I genuinely don't need that and have no hankering for it

Yes I have seen divorced friends set the bar very low indeed, to find a new partner. No judgment from me, god forbid DH died/divorced me, would I be just the same?

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t “settled” and more than that I know lots of people who are unfaithful and quite calculatedly married for convenience/finance/stability/a safe haven.

Yeah it would probably be heartbreaking to his partner if she knew. However my friend will probably end up staying with her as they have an easy enough life; no money worries, they don't really argue etc. I'd rather be alone tbh!

It's definitely a thing sadly, especially for men. Better to have company and sex, even if you don't have much of an interest in the woman, as opposed to being alone with no sex.

I’m currently reading a novel called The Most Fun We Ever Had by Claire Lombardo. In it the lead male character tells a single female colleague “never marry anyone who isn’t nuts about you and doesn’t think you’re the best thing ever to happen to him” and I think that’s good advice for both sexes.

Agreed - it’s unpleasant for sure, but it’s not an unusual mindset for men to have.

I was watching a radio show on YouTube where a caller rang in saying she had popped back into get a jacket before she went on her walk and overheard her husband say something to his guests like “it’s been 3 months since the wedding and I still can’t find her attractive, this may have been a mistake”

I assume he didn’t like her personality or respect her that much either or he would’ve kept that to himself. She was heartbroken.

All the comments that were puzzled about why he married her clearly didn’t understand how some men operate.

If women didn’t settle I think the human race would die out. Yes there are some decent men out there, but not enough to go around.
Often if you don’t settle you will never become a mum and Mother Nature is very strong in sending those longings for a child.

Exactly this. I’ve got a friend who married a house. No other reason to hook up with the moronic, workshy buffoon. Having the house was her priority. The rest she pushes to the back of her mind, oh apart from when she’s sugar coating him to me all the time. That’s called settling.

Jesus that's awful. Did she say if she stayed with him or not? The older I get, the happier I am single, just me and my kids living happily in peace!

Jeez you'd rather be on your own, wouldn't you.

Yeah I also wonder if she confronted him about it, but what is there to say really? He said what he meant - there’s no coming back from that really.

I think she was just processing it at the time she called in but maybe one day she’ll update social media on if she left or not.

I can’t imagine a marriage like that will last given she now knows what he thinks of her. And he probably knows that she knows too.

I have always known a lot of people who definitely settled, but I couldn't give accurate percentages. I would say certainly more than half of the copuples I know aren't and have never been in love the way I think of it. Some people I know have always been very clear that they simply don't want to be alone, and they're not really that bothered about 'true love'.

I know I haven't settled in any way because I was very happy single, it took a lot for me to give it up and I do miss it. While we're all wrong for each other on paper and in theory at least were both looking for different things, my husband and I do absolutely adore each other, in a way even some of our friends and family can't quite comprehend. Of course I know my husband is not the most handsome/funny/clever/whatever in the world, but I am equally clear that what he is is utterly perfect and right for me, in a way I've never felt before even when I was younger and thought I was 'in love'. There's not really any way to explain it to someone who hasn't felt it - I certainly wouldn't have understood it until I experienced it.

It's not that we're both perfect and have incredibly easy lives. We've had plenty of hard times - financially, miscarriages, work, family and health issues. All the same things other couples are tested by. We've seen each other change a huge amount over the years from the people we were when we originally met, as age and life will generally do to most people. However neither of us have ever been in any doubt about our commitment to each other and are both prepared to make whatever compromises are necessary to protect that. That's what always comes first but it's because we happily choose it, not because we don't have any other options or are scared of the alternative.

Also I think the issue is people understand the term “settling” differently. Some of the comments here are not what I would see as “settling”.

I agree. I settled with my ex h. I would have rather stayed single than settle again. If anything I feel me dh has settled with me!

I don't think is a fair statement. Noone needs to be 'content with a loving partner' of that partner isn't what they want for themselves.
It's a statement that carries a lot of controlling incel energy (and I aware you may be referring to a male partner being selfish but either way, if you're not what a partner wants then that's up to them, we only live so long and ultimately get to decide for ourselves who we spend that time with)

Agree - that's the definition of settling. She wanted an independent life which then meant running your own home, and she chose someone she wasn't attracted to and didn't like because she felt that was her only chance.

I doubt many women take that approach these days (though read about one on here yesterday - yikes!), more that life gets in the way, people grow apart etc later on. So they describe what may sound like an unhappy marriage but it wouldn't have started that way and they may just be in a slump or it's the beginning of the end.

Yeah, but some people can't. A friend of mine has had two shit marriages (she would agree) and a string of relationships.

I know some of my friends wonder why I prefer to be alone, but several of them are in marriages and relationships I can't imagine being in. And I like living life on my own terms as much as possible.

It does factor in that I never wanted children. Perhaps I would have settled then, who knows?