To worry that my social awkwardness might affect my daughter’s ability to make friends at school?

[savannahsmama]

I went to a coffee morning at my daughter’s future school today and, as usual in these kinds of situations, I came away feeling a bit awkward and over-analytical. I’m just not great at small talk — I never quite know what to say, and when I do speak, I often blurt out odd questions or things that probably sound a bit intense or out of place. (This morning I found myself asking about leaver destinations and school lunches… at a Reception coffee morning.)

I also really struggle with silences — I either try to fill them and come across a bit weird, or I freeze and end up saying nothing. Meanwhile, other parents seem to just glide through these things, chatting naturally and making connections.

To be clear, I’m not completely hopeless socially. I do have close friends and can have long, meaningful conversations with people once I know them. It’s not that I don’t like people — it’s just that the early stages of small talk with new acquaintances never quite feel natural to me. I always feel like I’m a few beats off, like I didn’t get the memo on how to do it smoothly.

And here’s the thing that’s bothering me: I’m worried this might end up affecting my daughter. I know that in the early years, a lot of friendships and playdates happen because the parents get along. If I’m not someone people naturally click with or remember to include, will that mean fewer playdates or chances to socialise for her? It makes me feel a bit sad and guilty, like my awkwardness might end up holding her back socially.

So — AIBU to be worrying about this? Do other people feel like this too, or am I overthinking it?

I think the key thing is for you to model social confidence and ease to your child, and also to model healthy friendships, letting her see you around your friends and showing her what good relationships look like. I don't think that making friends with other school parents is necessarily important. I never did the school run at DS's first primary as DH and I were both working and most days he went with his childminder or to breakfast club, so I hardly knew any of the parents. I just invited the children he liked on playdates, on the (comparatively rare) occasions I could do so. He's always been happy and sociable.

YANBU, lots of people worry about this I think. Few things I'd say, firstly I doubt you come across to others as socially awkward as you feel inside, and I suspect some of those people who seem as though they're gliding through life as social butterflies are feeling equally awkward or anxious or frantic underneath. School lunches and leavers destinations don't sound that weird as topics to me, school events are always tricky to judge the tone, pure small talk about the weather or whatever is really dull but you hardly want to get deep and meaningful about politics or religion with a bunch of strangers who you have to see at the school gates either. At least you stuck to school-themed things!

Second, yes of course social skills development is hugely important at primary and you're right, IME socialisation at this age does 99% happen through the parents and I'll be honest, it often is quite cliquey with the same 'popular' mums and kids always getting together with one another and not inviting others). But I don't think it hugely matters or is damaging to the kids (don't think they tend to notice when they're this little really unless the parents make it a big deal), they get a lot of practice of their social stuff at school both structured through group or partner work in class and also free play and playtimes. If they do after-school club or holiday childcare plus maybe some classes or other structured activities like brownies, that's ample socialisation for a lot of kids without needing to add lots of playdates and meet-ups too, particularly if dare I say your DD may turn out like her mother to be more on the introverted side and need some downtime and alone time to recharge too.

Don't get me wrong it is nice to do the occasional playdate and particularly as she gets older she will probably ask / want to do more, but you'll work it out as you go and as she finds her feet. I've found with the prevalence of What'sApp and so on you can easily identify from the class group who is who's mum and simply message them and ask even if you aren't particular friends at the gates, in the old days when you had to sidle up and ask in person it was all very mortifying particularly if they clearly wanted to decline, with messaging they can easily just make up some excuse or whatever.

I’m like you but it has never affected my kids’ friendships. I was not friends with their friends’ parents and they were not friends with my friends’ kids. Mine were old for their year but were doing play dates on their own fairly quickly and most parents are actually happy to facilitate their children’s choices in friendships and are not all as cliquey as MN sometimes suggests.

Difficult isn’t it? Similar to another post but for reassurance, I was a single parent and worked full time so childcare did drop off/pick ups; my lovely now 33 yr old son is confident and sociable. I never made friends with any school mums, he was always invited to parties and events - don’t stress over his and good luck!

Most of us are like this at the beginning, I certainly am. Is it a private school? At our son’s prep school I wasn’t so great at throwing myself in especially at the beginning and I do regret it. They are super social places and people do use them as a way of socializing and I do think he did miss out on some social events. When he went to secondary I decided to put my big girls pants on however uncomfortable I found it at the beginning and threw myself in and the difference it has made has been huge. It is an incredible social school and he and us have made some amazing friends and he/us are always doing things with school friends. Be brave and you will be fine!

Yes and no. Sometimes if you make a load of effort and find great school mum friends you click with, your kids can’t stand each other anyway, so it’s a lost cause for play dates!
But as long as the other parents think you are a normal and kind parent, it won’t get in the way of your DC making their own friends at playtime etc and getting party invites or you being able to invite their friends over.
Most parents are either looking for 1, someone to say hi to at the school gate, 2, someone go for a drink and laugh with, or 3, are you a drug taking, alcoholic, 18 rating movie, chaotic family I should be careful about sending my kid to visit.
As long as you aren’t group 3 you’ll be fine for your DC.

I think it will be fine. My dd doesn’t only have playdates with the mums I chat to most in the playground. They make their own connections, even fairly early on.

Your dc will be fine.
Some parents will never be at school gate or organise p,aidâtes because c… work. Some don’t like the chitchat at the school gates. Some dint fit in (like me).
It won’t stop your dc to make friends. They’ll still get birthday invites. It will be fine.

Honestly don't stress. You'll make close friends and by yr 1 I'd say they start to choose their own people anyway. I'm not a massive fan of my sons besties parents (get on well enough with 1 mum but the other ones mum is really hard to socialise with). I was worried for my daughter as there was a group of mums who've known each other since childhood, all their children had been socialising since birth - but DD is full on, best friends forever with one of them (mums lovely too but clearly has plenty of proper friends, but still nice for a chat).
There will be a little bit of social engineering at the start, but you can't really control who they hang out with at school. If you think there are 6 hours of school, 5 days a week. A 2 hour playdate on a Saturday doesn't cut through.
Ps - so many people are rubbish at small talk, or feel awkward. Chances are every other person came away beating themselves up for saying the wrong thing, or acting weird - but generally we are so much more critical of ourselves than others! I bet nobody thought you did anything odd. And talking about school dinners if you're a new reception mum sounds very like a normal chat to have :-)

you have written exactly how I used to feel. Now my kids are grown up and I meet parents, other kids (grownup) or teachers they always comment how warm and friendly I was, no one has ever said, or implied, oh you were the weird mum. I met a woman in a shop who said omg, I remember coming to your house we all used to have so much fun.
All I can think now is either I was not as awkward as I thought I was or they have selective memories, Either way I wasted a lot of time worrying and my kids are lovely adults.

My kids are now older and what I would say is don't assume the school mums are or will be your friend. I will say hello to people, have friendly chats but none of them have become close friends who I socialise with. I know some people do find people to fit this role but it doesn't always happen.
It doesn't impact how my children have made friends though and as others have said a lot of parents aren't always at the school gate to see other parents but these kids aren't excluded from parties because of this.

Don’t worry about turning up, sitting quietly and not saying much. There is nothing wrongful with that and, well, a closed mouth gathers no foot, as they say.

And when it comes to play dates, you will probably be seen as a very sensible mum so other mums will find it easy to say yes.

I’m like you OP. my kids have been absolutely fine at making friends at school. and I have even managed to make some good friends with some of the parents.

I'm similar to you but my children have had a no problem making friends at all :)

In my experience, there will be a string of whole class 5th birthday parties in reception where parents are expected to stay, so that may give you a chance to see all the other parents and children quite frequently during the first year of school and become more familiar.

Luckily my dh is very extroverted and good at chatting to the other dads because I'm a bit like you op.

I'm like you - I've always had a few close friends, but I don't make friends easily/quickly and I often feel a bit on the outskirts/left out. I can also say stupid things if feeling awkward!

I was determined that my kids wouldn't be like this so I had regular playdates for them from age about 6 and they often had friends for sleepovers too. They also went to various youth groups and on summer camps so they got used to mixing. My dd (now 20) is the total opposite of me and has soo many friends! My issues never held her back, so don't worry!

Just back from a similar event and I feel exactly as you have described but the replies on this thread are very reassuring!

I'm very like you. I hate small talk and talking to people I don't really know. I wouldn't worry. My DS has made plenty of friends at school and now (year2) I have a small group of mum/dad's that I talk to on pick up.

Also as someone else has said, you don't always make close friends through your children's school friends. I'd say I have one close mum friend (we get on with both the parents) and socialise outside of school settings with them. Our sons are not only at school together but do two activities outside of school a week together so we see them alot. We lift share and do play dates regularly (I host of the other mum works full time)
Probably 1 or 2 more I would stop and chat to but nothing more than that. It hasn't stopped my DS having a large circle of friends all the time (and not just in his year)

hi Op, I will give my view as someone who is a bit different , I actually love small talk! I have a job that involves a lot of meeting new people - and I find it just constantly entertaining getting to know people in short little bursts of time -

BUT - I still have moments of thinkng WTF did I just say??? everyone does. So perhaps the first step is to just 'do' and try not to reflect too much after?

everyone at a reception gate will have nerves, I was beside myself with anxiety when my youngest started as she was already showing signs of being autistic - but you might not have known that if you met me and thought I was socially confident.

also - the funny thing is, I am a real social butterfly and my daughter is autistic, can't cope at all in new situations and is just rude to other kids all the time! so life can throw you curve balls - my social skills are usually in overdrive over compensating for her! but the reality is she has a completely different personality to me.

I think you & your DD will be fine. If you're anything like me try to be friends with the silence, you may then come across as more thoughtful and as you then have to respond to other silence fillers will end up talking about their favoured subjects (until you know them well obvs). 👍

A few practical pointers if you’re up for them 😁

During conversations when you feel awkward:

• Own it “ughh I always feel so awkward at these things” almost everyone does (even the outgoing ones)
• ‘Ask questions… honestly yours sounded fine to me 🤷‍♀️ maybe not the most urgent but definitely on topic
• If you find yourself in the moment wandering off into an odd topic. Stop! Cover with with a breezy “Oh wow I don’t even know why I asked about leavers hoodies … I promise I’m not that much of a planner 😁 maybe it’s guilt from not remembering this event until 20 min before it started”
• Embrace the silence. Standing next to someone counts as interaction if you’ve already said “hi”
• Don’t rehash encounters… totally not productive unless you’re telling someone else that you spilled tea on the new teacher’s foot to laugh about it.

You won’t cause your kid to be an outcast, I promise.

Not U to worry about it, but I was brought up by parents who had no friends. They were each other's only friend.

Never had a play date, wasn't allowed to visit friends in their homes or even play in the street.

I made friends in school and only saw them at school. Still in touch with one now, over 40 years later. Made friends at work too and still a social person.

You'd never know about my upbringing.

So it's someone's character that determines making friends or not.

She'll have friends at school, encourage that and she'll hopefully be fine.

I'm also not good at small talk like some people are and I'm still not at age 73!

Someone advised me a very long time ago that the best conversationalists engage another by asking questions. So something as simple as "Isn't it a nice day today?" and after they've said "yes", you follow up with "I'm going to do some gardening (even if you aren't!) - have you got any plans?". And next time you see them you ask them how it went.

You can also ask simple questions like "Do you have other children at the school? How old are they?".

People love to talk about themselves!

How did you do this? We moved from another country last year and while I’m getting to know my younger (primary age) child’s friends’ parents, I haven’t met any of my older child’s. Friends have come round but get picked up by parents who wait outside in their car…which is kind of weird to me. Just wondering how you went about it as primary seems so easy in
compatison.

Go to all school functions and get chatting. Arrange activities for the kids at the weekend and in the holidays together everyone always loves being friends with an organiser who sets stuff up. We have just arranged for 20 of us to take them all to this water park all parents will be staying so good fun for us too. See if anyone wants to meet up at a local pub/cafe for a drink before pick up on a Friday. All through year 7 a load of met up for what started off as coffee and ended up as a glass of wine before pick up on Friday and from there I met my core group of Mum friends and as we met up more our kids have become best mates too. Go to your kids sports matches and stay for the match tea and find out what sports clubs other kids are members of locally and join your child up. Offer lifts etc. Have kids over for sleep overs and invite the parents in for coffee when they drop/pick up.